Cost of travel to see children

[Bonsaigem]

My ex is refusing to see his kids unless I travel 50% of the journey.

We moved 3 years to Wales and we split after 11 months of living her. Was together a total of 9 years. He has moved to back where we used to live. For this reason he thinks I am responsible for doing half the journey with our 3 kids.

Last year he saw them 46 nights out of the year. He works full time and lives with a new lady and her child. I have a tiny camping business that I operate around the kids school and still live alone. (Not sure that matters!)

He works nights on a sporadic rota so I cannot predict when his is off and he won't share his rota as it is none of my business. He cannot commit to regular visits (he says) due to the need for his rota to be flexible (he shift swaps to get longer chunks of time off). He says won't see the kids this year unless i agree to 50% of the journeys or if I bring them to him when I visit my family who live near him (which I do anyway).

Should I agree to 50% of the journeys so he will agree to see his kids more?

As the child of a really abusive man, I really wonder why you seem keen to subject your DC to this man. Your eldest DD is clearly frightened of him already. I know what that’s like and don’t recommend it as part of anyone’s childhood. This mantra that children need both of their parents is just wrong if one of them is emotionally abusive. I wish that my DM had stood up to my Father for me.

My ex took me to court about this as I refused to drive half way (he lives 300 miles away) every other weekend to drop kids off then collect again. Court said I had to do this. I refused and told them to arrest me. Needless to say nothing ever got enforced and now my ex sees them every 3 weeks and his parents do the journey for him 🙄

All he wants is to be in control, nothing about what’s good for the kids. Do what georgia girl says and invite him to everything they have on, and let the kids know daddy is always welcome. Ignore any rants from him. Enforce very limited mobile phone access time at your place like a good parent. Tell him this and that you think they are too young for phones, his rules while they are at his place are up to him within the boundaries of keeping them safe and healthy, your rules at your house. This is protecting your children from him.
Don’t facilitate. He will never ever appreciate it, just ask for more and he doesn’t sound a good parent. Say we can always sort out more formal arrangements in court if you want.
Everything email so recorded. If you have a conversation follow up with an email. ‘As discussed just now it is inappropriate for you to say x to the dc, please remember this.’ Clear, calm, child focussed, records.

@Bonsaigem
My dd's father died when she was eleven, so that added another dimension altogether as you can probably imagine.
I'd stopped the contact when she was three - it had always been sporadic, and I'd always been a single parent. I really wanted her to have an ongoing relationship with her father, and worked hard to make it happen. However it became very clear that he was never going to be step up and be a 'good enough' father, so I stopped it. He chose not to take it to court as he would have looked very bad given his behaviour
She next saw him a few times when he was diagnosed as terminally ill a few months before he died. It was difficult for her but it was very much the right decision for her.
She's come through it all really well. We've done a lot of talking through the years. She's a positive, lovely, grounded young woman in her third year of Uni doing something she is really passionate about. We're very close and I'm very proud of her.
Now she's older, she can see how and why I made the decisions I did about the contact issues, and how difficult some of them were. She has never expressed any anger etc at the fact that I made the decision to stop the contact.

I've had this, xh left to be with OW 3 hours away. Left us with big debts to repay and has never paid the correct amount of maintenance. Did the travelling without comment for a while but then wanted to make me drive half way.

Always slagging me off but dc pick up on what is the real version of events. He tried the "it's hard for you to talk with mum listening" when he always was in the room with her, whilst I left her to it. DC aren't stupid.

Once I suggested that I would drive half way once the maintenance was paid at the correct level the idea was swiftly dropped.

Court were not fussed that my ex didn'and does not ever pay his maintenance. It was a separate issue in their eyes and I felt very dismissed in court i must admit. They just wanted to give a solution and rush us out.

A lot of this sounds harmful for the children even potentially Parental Alienation, which is illegal.
I suggest you get some proper advice, and try to get someone for at least your eldest to speak to about how they feel about this. Maybe a school counsellor?
And don't be afraid of contradicting something they repeat that he has said.

@MollyButton well this is my major worry. My children's school is tiny (34 kids in whole school) and I have been in and spoken to the head teacher about the situation with major focus on my eldest as she is the one that he seems to focus on the most (she has always been his favourite). I wanted to explain to them what was going on and be sensitive to any signs that she is struggling emotionally. They are supporting her with talking groups, but have fedback that they have no worries about her and that she seems happy. I catch up with the teachers regularly to check.

My ex wants her to live with him and tells her life where he is is better, the schools are better, she will have more friends, more freedom etc... She tells me she wants to live with him when she is with him, and with me when she is with me. I think this should not be something she feels she should choose at this age. I have said (as we agreed this when we first split) that she has her education here and then she can chose to live where ever she wants. My ex has told her that he is planning on taking it to court when she is 12 and get her to say in court she want to live with him. I think this is TOO much for her right now, making her feel insecure. I have spoken to him numerous times saying that he needs to just let her be until she is older (after education) and support that she lives here and just enjoy his time with her when he sees her. He cannot do this it seems.

I think it is wrong to split her from her siblings and she is happy at school and top of the class with glowing school reports. She is happy at home too!

@MrsCollinssettled how long ago was this...how are your kids now? This sounds very similar but luckily he pays the correct maintenance after 1.5 years after going to CMS.

@MaybeNew Thanks for your I'm out. I think at the moment it is tricky. There is no evidence (i believe) that would justify me in court stopping access. Also, the kids love their dad and like to see him on the whole...I think his impact is negative. I don't agree with what he does with them when they are there, but do I have the right to stop him seeing them if there is not a clear crime being committed?

I am really sorry to hear you had such a traumatic childhood.

@Selmababies wow! Sounds like you are an amazing mum and have done a fabulous job. You should be very proud! Thank you for sharing that xx

I told him I'd drive if he paid maintenance 2 years ago. In the unlikely event of him taking it to court my argument would be that he has failed to meet the terms laid out in the divorce (I.e. to pay maintenance in line with the government calculator, reviewed annually) but I have equated the shortfall as his costs incurred in travelling. This was with the aim of enabling him to maintain his contact with dc.

We need the shortfall in payment but I will sacrifice it in dc's interest

Well nothing is stopping him travelling if he want to make the effort!!! Sounds like he won't take it to court

Not a chance!
Does he still want you to do his washing for him and iron his uniform too?
What a ridiculous man-child he's being- I wouldn't entertain it for a second.
A) he moved away
B) that's your precious time & money he's spending for his benefit
C) if he gave a shit about his kids he would be arranging contact properly.

When you go and visit your parents don't they want to see the kids too?

I wonder if you did have a male partner your ex would start stepping up as he would lose his place as the male role model (not that he's doing a good job of that!)

I would stand your ground on this one op, keep the abusive texts in case one day your children want to know why he didn't bother to arrange contact with them - cover your back on this - but I expect they can see what's going on.

@fastliving thanks for this message.

I do have a partner, he has just not moved in yet as he is finishing a contract. He will be moved in in the next few weeks. Maybe this is why he has turned this all up a notch lately? Hadn't thought of that!!

Well, yes this is the thing... They do want to see my parents! This is another reason it makes me frustrated. I visit my parents to see them and for them to see their grandparents, and now I have to budget time for him out of that time. It does seem unfair, but as with all of this...It comes back to kids doesn't it...and although his behaviours is bad, that is not their fault (this is how the law sees it).

I would get some counselling for your eldest DD. I think it must be really hard for her and I’m not criticising you as it must be hard to know what to do for the best. I used to say that I liked seeing my Father because I felt that I had to say it or I would be letting him down. It took me until I was over 40 and a lot of therapy to break free of the FOG. And if I had been asked at 12, I would have been too frightened to admit that I didn’t want to live with him. Please be really careful. It’s strange because I hated being with him but he had me trained to go and stay whenever he wanted. Everyone (other than his family) still thinks that he’s a lovely charming man.

@MaybeNew I will speak to the doctor. Yes, his friends this he is great, such a nice guy and I am painted as a witch.... I know who he really is from my perspective from how he has treated me.

I will see about some help. I don't want her struggling through life from this.

Thank you so much. X

" I think I will just take them down if I am going, and make the kids available if he has a change of heart."

This is a great plan! You are doing all the hard work of raising your children and you need to make it work for you. You know you love your kids and you do your best for them, they can't be resentful of that.

The fact he gave an ultimatum that he wouldn't see the kids unless you drive half way makes it sound like he is more interested in winding you up than actually seeing his children. If you had agreed to his demand I wouldn't be surprised if he found something else to demand; that you drive 70% or come on the days that suit him.

Good on you for sticking up for yourself and modelling this for your children.

@Bonsaigem
Thanks for you input...the funny thing is, he wants me to agree to halfway AND he will only agree to dates that suit him. He will only give me dates if i agree to halfway first. He has always only ever given me dates he can see them, I have accepted this otherwise there would be very, very limited contact. He won't accept dates from me as he says he has a rota (that he won't share) that means the dates cannot be regular and need to work around his shift work.

This is why we have to keep on communicating every single meeting as he won't share upfront. It is so frustrating. The kids never know when they are next seeing him.

Do get her help.
Two stories:
One a well known newsreader. When his mother left his father, his father looked so pathetic and alone that the newsreader insisted on staying. His mother never forgave him and his father didn't know what to do with him.
The other a couple split and each took one child. The father lost interest, so she returned to her mother. But her mother and sister had developed a close bond, and shut her out. She spent her childhood being shuttled between her parents. She is now NC with her parents (but not grandparents and Aunt).

Your daughter is being manipulated, and should not be put in the position to choose. Adults need to make these decisions and courts if necessary.

@JustHarriet sorry i was supposed to tag you in the message above not myself!

Go see a solicitor but I’m pretty sure it’s his responsibility for petrol costs and travelling. A friend had this. Why pursue it? I’d enjoy having the kids to myself! Why make them go see somebody who won’t move heaven and earth to see them? Explain to the kids that you’ve asked daddy to drive to pick them up and he won’t at the moment. That’s the truth. There’s no law that says you have to lie about him to the kids. When they’re older they can get the train and go see him if they so wish. Why are men getting all this leeway with women facilitating constantly. He’s the one who left so it’s on him. I’d sit tight and make brilliant memories with my kids and not speak to him about it again until the court papers came in.

@loopery well you're right. The only reason I am over thinking it is because I want the kids to know that I wasn't part of destroying their relationship with him and I did my best.

It goes against my instincts for sure. I hand-on-my-heart believe that this non-sense is about resenting the split, having to pay child maintenance, and trying to inconvenience me. In his rants its always about you get all this child maintenance and you cannot do this, that or whatever, you have the house, blar blar blar... I do think getting back at me is more important than seeing kids.

But the kids are little and I cannot imagine the feelings of rejection they feel when their dad doesn't not make more effort. They are such sweet, funny, intelligent well behaved kids too.

Ok it is now incredibly clear that this is all about control.

Book dates to see your family for the next six months.

Then email and offer him dates you could drop and collect the DC to him (maximise day time and minimise overnights ). Say I am happy to assist with you seeing the DC by doing the full travel on these dates if you can't arrange your work pattern or leave to have them then let me know. As ever you are welcome to come and collect them and drop off provided it doesn't clash with major pre existing arrangements they already have such as booked holidays.

I will ensure that the DC are available for you to call them on DC1 mobile 1st and 3rd Thursday 5pm-6pm each month.

If you are not happy with this schedule then you will need to take it to court.

Then grey rock. Whatever nasty bullying shit emails reiterate the offer...

If you book holidays etc inform him that the DC now have a major pre-existing event on x-y dates so contact will not be possible then.

Give his emails as evidence of his I reasonableness and block him on all other forms of communication.