Do women really dislike other women for no reason at all?

[Colarola]

I work in a care setting and then is a lady who works there, who is kind to everyone and really lovely with the residents. But a small number of ladies have taken an instant dislike to her, when she talks, I've noticed eyes rolling and smirks to each other. One lady last week whilst having a conversation about Mc D, said to her, I didn't think you would go to Mc D as you're so posh! Shes not just well spoken. The other day in handover, the manager said to her "what do you prefer to be called?" "Charlotte or Charlie"? Just at that moment, two ladies burst into laughter?? I could see the lady look a bit upset. I've also noticed when she says hello to some, they just ignore like shes not there, shes quite quiet but friendly. What I've been wondering, do women really dislike other women just for the sake of it, like their accent or just for no reason? I could take a dislike to someone if they are unkind to residents for example but never just for the sake of it.....

It sounds like this woman might be being bullied in the workplace. Both men and women are equally capable of such shitty behaviour.

My “D”M takes an instant dislike to other women she perceives to be attractive or well dressed. Starts making nasty comments about random strangers on the train. I have concluded it’s jealousy.

I keep my distance.

Yes they do, I deal with it at work by going full on charm offensive while hating their guts. They usually fall for my charms. I have quite a few "good friends" at work I actively dislike.

I think quite a few women think like this. When I used to go out with a certain group of women they would say any attractive or well dressed women were 'stuck up.' I soon ditched them for a group of girls who celebrate each others beauty and style.

Yes I really think they can. Nothing worse than working with all women.

So you're asking Mumsnet why two colleagues appear to dislike another colleague at your workplace? I doubt you'll get a satisfactory answer.

I agree that it sounds as though she's being bullied. She sounds lovely, polite and kind and perhaps shows other people up. Maybe she doesn't fit in or there is an established clique.

I also agree that men are just as capable of bullying as women. Anyone can be bullied and it says nothing about them and everything about the bullies. Some people are insecure, jealous, immature and need a scapegoat to feel better about themselves.

She needs to start logging incidents and get advice from ACAS and take a look at grievance procedures in her staff handbook. I hope she's with a union. I normally advise people being bullied to get the rock out of there because it can destroy your mental health.

I find this happens a lot to me. Instant dislike, for some reason. But once they get to know me (if I allow them the privilege!) they usually warm up to me.

Madcatladyforever - that would really hurt me if I thought you didn’t like me but pretended to be my friend - I’d rather you were just professional and polite

Yes. Some women are very fragile and they can't risk your perceived identity affecting their identity.

People with a poor sense of themself define themself by what the group is not

So they push you out of the group, sometimes, if an association with you won't validate them, but also, if you are LIKE THEM.

There was a woman in my work, she was younger than I am but she was from a similar background, probably raised as a bit of a people pleaser, and because her identity was unformed, she went out of her way to manipulate the social dynamic around us so that I would be excluded and she was in the middle of any group, no matter how fleeting. She tried to control who ELSE liked me.

I did nothing to her, there was literally no logical reason for her to be so manipulative. Except fear that other people if left alone would end up liking me more than they liked her.

She left and OMG I am so relieved.

I think it often comes from jealousy. My mum was like this. She hated when anyone dressed nice or wore makeup, she called them slags. If they were well spoken they were stuck up. If they were friendly with teachers in the playgroup they were "arse lickers". If they were ill in some way they were attention seekers. The list goes on and yes, the above also applied to me, her daughter 🙄

I have been told —accused as well— that I speak ‘posh’ (purely due to speech therapy for a stammer when I was a child and that I was good at English so speak ‘proper’ and use big words sometimes). It definitely gets other women’s backs up IME. Not men who seem to like it and can joke goodnaturedly about it.

I’m also taller than average and reasonably attractive which doesn’t help. It makes people feel intimidated so I’ve been told, women not men that I’m aware of.

I’ve been told my house and DC are too clean too.

Some people project their own insecurities on others I suppose. It can only take one in a group to stir the others up, as happened to me when a school gate mum decided she didn’t like me anymore after coming to my house for a coffee (no other reason I can think of).

Pathetic, immature bitches .

jealousy

This isn’t “taking a dislike to”, it sounds like workplace bullying

It’s not something I’ve particularly noticed as a women’s thing. I have enjoyed working with all women many times, as with all these things it will depend on individual personality combinations and how managers set the tone rather than a trait of a particular sex. I went to sixth form at a school that was all boys to 16yo, and it was the most gossipy, bitchy culture amongst the boys, it’s just people perceive it differently when it’s men doing it.

I hope this woman gets support at work to deal with the bullying, it must be very unpleasant for her

Well they’re not critical of her for no reason they’re critical of her for a shitty reason... she’s well spoken ( aka posh) or pretty or middle class of whatever ( it’s perfectly acceptable to bash the middle classes apparently). I had this a little bit as a student when I did holiday jobs... a perception that you see yourself as better than the permanent workers ( which was all about their insecurities and nothing about my attitude). People joke to me now about being posh or middle class because I go to the ballet or drink in the odd expensive bar but actually I just do the things I like and I don’t give 2 fucks about anyone else’s opinion. ( as you can see I am clearly not posh). In your position I would speak up for her “ I like her -she’s nice”. This can be an uncomfortable place to sit, I know, but she would probably really appreciate a vocal ally.

Madcatladyforever - that would really hurt me if I thought you didn’t like me but pretended to be my friend - I’d rather you were just professional and polite

They are both complete bitches and deserve it.

Ask them? They may have a reason you aren't aware of.

what also I would like to say maybe she is in wrong work. I'm Polish and after arriving to UK I was working in several jobs with this kind of 'bully' people. The jobs were under my qualification and skills since I started working in adequate places I don't have any problem with colleagues.

Some do sadly, yes. It's happened to me as well, it's probably jealousy and insecurity on their part. I assume you mean 2 other colleagues ? Can they be reported ?

They just sound like bullies and shit people.

People can dislike other people though for little reason. Some people I just take a disliking too, sometimes it becomes obvious why (they are horrible), other times it's less obvious and I can't explain why I don't trust them. I'm not openly mean to them though, I just wouldn't socialise with them.

I have been on the receiving end of this sort of thing.

Two women with a prior relationship to each other, started at my job within weeks of each other and made it really obvious to me that they didn't like me almost immediately.

In the end I felt it was because they felt "I was better than I had any right to be, for somebody like that"

(Minority Discrimination)

I ended up having to raise a grievance on one of them, for pervasive bullying.

They have both now left, and it is a blessed relief.

If I ever take against another woman, there is usually a good reason

I'd be inclined to go to a manager about this, the woman concerned may not feel able to. And I might call them out on it anyway. It's blatant bullying, and I can't stand it.

I still think about how I let my bully away with excluding me for over a year.

It was all so subtle and hard to explain but I think I could have put it down on paper and honed it and honed it until it didn't make me sound paranoid or sensitive.

I never did. BUT ... she was involved in some anti-bullying campaign I discovered. Something to do with teenagers but I was floored by that.

I rose above it and rose above it and rose above it for a YEAR and it never got better, I felt it was diminishing me after all that time. I ended up exploding at her and she loved that.

If this ever happens to me again I will nip it in the bud earlier, say something like ''You are all warmth and charm to everybody except me, is that your intention or is this your real personality? reserved for those who can't validate you?''.

Even if she'd said ''omg you're so craaaaazy'' which she would have, it would have put her on notice a bit. Which over the course of a year + would have helped.

She clearly had no respect for me which was why she dissed me.

@81Byerley I agree. There is strength in standing up for others. It's the right thing to do. Don't tell her you did it as that would be weird.

Yes, I think if you have noticed something like this you have to take it to your manager. It’s a bit weird to just muse to yourself “is this a women’s thing?” rather than actually try to do something about what must be a very unpleasant atmosphere