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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do women really dislike other women for no reason at all?

118 replies

Colarola · 28/01/2020 19:07

I work in a care setting and then is a lady who works there, who is kind to everyone and really lovely with the residents. But a small number of ladies have taken an instant dislike to her, when she talks, I've noticed eyes rolling and smirks to each other. One lady last week whilst having a conversation about Mc D, said to her, I didn't think you would go to Mc D as you're so posh! Shes not just well spoken. The other day in handover, the manager said to her "what do you prefer to be called?" "Charlotte or Charlie"? Just at that moment, two ladies burst into laughter?? I could see the lady look a bit upset. I've also noticed when she says hello to some, they just ignore like shes not there, shes quite quiet but friendly. What I've been wondering, do women really dislike other women just for the sake of it, like their accent or just for no reason? I could take a dislike to someone if they are unkind to residents for example but never just for the sake of it.....

OP posts:
WellHolyGodMiley · 28/01/2020 19:56

I agree with @divebar, if people are slagging her off just say ''that's not what I've seen''.

rvby · 28/01/2020 19:56

It's part of a response to patriarchy. Women are brought up to believe they need to compete for the attention of men, and for the respect of society - because part of patriarchy is teaching women that there is only so much respect and safety to go around, they have to fight each other for it, lest they be labelled a "bad girl", "bitch", "prude", etc and catch abuse for it.

So they are sometimes horrendous to each other. It works well to keep patriarchy and misogyny going.

Typically the older the woman, the less educated and more deprived her upbringing is, etc., the more likely she is to believe she needs to compete in this way, because she is likely to feel less secure and more under threat.

So it's often the young/young-looking, pretty, accomplished, "posh", educated, kind, and/or polite women who will be targeted as ones to be bullied so that they lose their status. The bully believes that they somehow gain the status that the bullied person loses. (It's absurd.)

Also women who are open, friendly, sexual, flirty, etc. will get similar treatment... as will very poor women who don't have the resources to do an adequate performance of "good girl" femininity, non-white women, women who have accents or a different mother tongue... the list goes on.

I'd call the behaviour out ("gosh I noticed that eye roll. Is something wrong?", then head tilt and wait, even if the silence is awkward. If a response is given, just keep asking, "I don't understand, could you explain what you mean?" over and over until they embarrass themselves and shut up) and show that you are an ally to this woman. That might help. If she has a visible ally who is well liked, the other women may hedge their bets and realize they will lose status by singling her out, rather than gain status.

Mintlegs · 28/01/2020 19:56

Jealousy

bobstersmum · 28/01/2020 20:14

I worked in a care setting and exactly this happened to me. They made it hell for me. I am interested to know if its the same place actually because after I left I heard from someone else it had a reputation for bullying. The name of the setting doesn't have the initials B H does it?

EmmiJay · 28/01/2020 20:20

Pure jealousy. Get it all the time. At my last job I came across notes on my CV from the two colleagues who interviewed me. One had notes that said things like well spoken, could work well with X, good typist etc. Now the other said things such as nails (I had on black short shellac?!), too fussy clothes (a simple black dress, statement neck piece?!), too chatty...?!?! I got the job after interviewing with MD the second time but she was like a thorn in my side the whole of my time there. Pure jealousy! Nothing more nothing less.

Colarola · 28/01/2020 20:52

Someone in handover did say it's like being back at school when they were laughing at her expense. I will indeed stand up for her, I'll be just as bad as them if I dont so thank you for everyone that raised that.

OP posts:
WellHolyGodMiley · 28/01/2020 20:52

Oh i once saw comments made about me. 20 years had passed and i think interviewers are far more prodessional. But the things they had written, as though they were psychotherapists 🤔

Colarola · 28/01/2020 20:53

No, the care home doesnt have those initials bobstersmum

OP posts:
Divebar · 28/01/2020 21:03

I will indeed stand up for her, I'll be just as bad as them if I dont so thank you for everyone that raised that

That will probably make all the difference in the world for her OP.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 28/01/2020 21:07

It's usually due to jealousy in some form and in less usual cases the women are just born bitches.

HarryHarry · 28/01/2020 21:12

Sometimes I dislike someone for no reason - if they seem fake or overly familiar or whatever - but I’d never show it. I’d be just as polite and friendly to them as I would to anybody.

Quite a few women have taken a dislike to me for no apparent reason. There’s a perception that I’m “posh” (I’m not) because I’m educated and well spoken, and that I think I’m better than them (I don’t) because I’m not very chatty or sociable and I don’t watch Emmerdale or Love Island or whatever so they think we have no common ground.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 28/01/2020 21:18

I am a veteren at being on the end of this - last time was in a shitty summer job when at university.
It is usually jealousy in terms of the fact that I sound 'posh' (I'm not) am intelligent and have been described as physically attractive - I'm also demisexual have AS and am a massive nerd = SPAWN OF SATAN.

Standing up for her would be awesome - it is clear that you do not think that the opinion of the bullies isn't worth shit of a shovel. IME, it is the bystanders and the bully apologists that are worse than the bullies. There are too many people who peaked in high school and haven't got over themselves.

Patroclus · 28/01/2020 21:22

Yep hate to admit it but i see it all the time withh women who are perceived as betters or attractive.

Colarola · 28/01/2020 21:24

Isn't this just as bad?

madcatladyforever

Yes they do, I deal with it at work by going full on charm offensive while hating their guts. They usually fall for my charms. I have quite a few "good friends" at work I actively dislike.

OP posts:
Patroclus · 28/01/2020 21:31

Yes DoubleDuty I can relate to that. In these places there is often a huge resentment of people who go to university as well, or who even just read books.

Colarola · 28/01/2020 21:47

That's awful...

EmmiJay

Pure jealousy. Get it all the time. At my last job I came across notes on my CV from the two colleagues who interviewed me. One had notes that said things like well spoken, could work well with X, good typist etc. Now the other said things such as nails (I had on black short shellac?!), too fussy clothes (a simple black dress, statement neck piece?!), too chatty...?!?! I got the job after interviewing with MD the second time but she was like a thorn in my side the whole of my time there. Pure jealousy! Nothing more nothing less.

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 22:26

Yes, unfortunately cliques still exist as adults and it sounds as though this woman doesn’t fit the mould. Lucky for her though tbh, they sound like total buffoons.

Grannywanny · 28/01/2020 23:03

Bullies. Immature. Toxic.

Purplewhitelie · 28/01/2020 23:11

Men can be just as bad or worse.

Flowers18 · 28/01/2020 23:15

No! Not me anyhow I always smile and offer to do girls make up in the toilets ha

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 23:20

The thing with you raising this on her behalf, is she might not want you to. She may just see them as a bunch of idiots and pay no mind to them.

Most of the things you've mentioned are subtle things that could be either hard to prove or easy to explain.

You notice the eye rolls...does Charlie notice them?

On it's own calling someone posh or well spoken isn't bullying.

From the way you describe her, I think they're jealous of her. She's nice and good with the residents and they know it.

I do think that the manager should have dealt with them laughing though.

If you took the issue directly to management, they might think she did it and be even worse to her. So if your mgr was able to say someone else brought it to her attention, or if your manager could quietly observe and see it for herself that would be good.

There's a bully where I work and all the victims are too scared to come forward. It really annoys me, because if they did, something would be done.

I feel like telling his manager to watch him without his knowledge, because he's good as gold when he knows she's around.

I hate bullies. Nasty people they are.

Wearywithteens · 28/01/2020 23:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Mrscaindingle · 28/01/2020 23:33

It's not a woman thing, I have worked in predominantly female orientated workplaces such as the beauty industry and nursing. I have been mostly lucky and had many lovely colleagues some of whom remain friends to this day.
I have also worked in care homes and experienced the kind of bullying culture you describe and that seems to be what is going on here.
There are also bullying cultures in the armed forces, MOD, the police and prison services and many other areas that are traditionally male oriented. I know because I have clients who have become mentally unwell being on the recieving end of it.
It's nothing to do with being female that has made these women pick on your colleague but just that they are bullies.
I hope you do back her up and possibly speak to your manager, this sort of thing needs to be stamped out.

Alfiemoon1 · 28/01/2020 23:47

Yes they do unfortunately. This is workplace bullying even if they don’t like the person they should remain professional

I had a similar family situation when I met dh. His 2 brothers married 2 sisters dh is 8 years older than me and the youngest of the family they took an instant dislike to me for whatever reason it effected the whole family I never did anything wrong doted on and spoilt their kids before I had mine. They barely acknowledged mine long story short unfortunately they have both passed away which I wouldn’t wish on anyone but the kids now have a relationship with their cousins mostly young who admit I was treated unfairly there are still some issues with Bil. Outsiders think it was jealousy no idea why

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/01/2020 01:40

Nothing worse than working with all women.

Tosh. You can’t generalise like this. My former all female team, I’ve recently retired, were the most amazing, generous, compassionate, supportive group of people I’ve ever known. There was absolutely no bitching or backbiting and we all agreed that going into work was a pleasure. We consider each other good friends and I keep in regular touch with them. I felt enormously fortunate to have such a wonderful team.

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