Husband seeing other people

[JJPC]

Please be gentle with me, I’m very emotionally fragile at the moment.

On New Years Day my husband announced he wasn’t happy with me, didn’t love me anymore. Over the following days he said he wanted to end our marriage. I had a bit of a breakdown.

The proposed plan for now is for him to stay with us in the family home because

A) he wants to stay with the children
B) he claims to be worried about me

I was ok with this plan but said that should he decide he wanted to start a new relationship elsewhere then I would need him to leave as it would be too hard for me. In the meantime we’re living as a family, I do his laundry, cook his meals, etc, we go out with the children but there is no physical contact between us.

He has said this isn’t fair, that I’m blackmailing him and limiting his freedom. Am I being unreasonable here?

I just don’t know what to do.

So you're basically acting as his maid? And he's now complaining that you're the one being unfair?

He needs to leave. He doesn't want to be with you therefore you need to separate. He needs to understand his choices have an affect on you all. I am surprised your happy having him stay in the house

Newsflash, there is already another woman. Almost certainly.

So you're basically acting as his maid? And he's now complaining that you're the one being unfair?

Yes and I realise how pathetic this sounds from an outside perspective.

Things are complicated as I’m out of work with mental health problems and therefore reliant on him financially. Child maintenance would cover the mortgage and basic living costs but by allowing him to stay I can cover the costs of my therapy/ counselling which I am having at the moment.

Stop doing his laundry and his cooking. Do yours and the children’s only. If you’re no longer a couple then he needs to take care of his own chores as if you are simply housemates.

Look into registering a formal separation so that you can claim benefits (if you need to) as a single parent. See a solicitor and file for divorce.

You can force him to leave the marital home if he doesn’t want to go, but you do make it clear that you are two people living separately in it and that the next step now is sorting out properly divorcing and each of your own housing and financial situations from there.

Wow OP - find your self-respect and kick him out.
He doesn't get to have you as cook and bottle washer while he swans off and has a relationship.
He can fuck off.
He goes - and he does it this weekend.
You cannot live like this.
And if you won't kick him out then stop doing stuff for him.
He has no idea about the 'loss of you' because you are still doing everything for him.
He is not your friend. He is no longer your husband.
You are NOT his mum.
Stop the madness right now OP.
This will not do you or your mental health any good at all.

If he wants to stay with the children then he commits to the relationship with you and you work together to get back to husband and wife. If he want the other woman then he can fuck off and be with her.
Tell him he should worry about you because while he is there it's not helping you move on and you need him gone then he won't have to worry about you.

Get some legal advice quick sharp!!!

Hmm, the 'having all the cake and eating it' approach to marriage break down. Tell him to jog on. and STOP doing his bloody laundry etc, don't be that doormat.

Sorry, that should have read that you can’t force him out of the home.

He is trying to have his cake here and eat it too, he is still acting like an utter shitbag towards you, as if his actions on the 1st January were not awful enough.

His proposed plan only works for his benefit rather than yours or for that matter his children. I presume he is also doing this mainly because the other woman has got cold feet.

I would consider starting divorce proceedings yourself and show him you are not a doormat. Do not yourself do your bit here to further show your children that a loveless marriage could be their norm too. If he wants out do not let him back into your home on his terms or as he sees fit which is the current arrangement. Do not let him further mess with your head or your childrens for that matter like this. He is not your friend here, has no interest in your wellbeings and will continue to mess you about if you so let him.

Read the website entitled Chumplady as well. You are being played.

He's using you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. What a fucking bastard! You need to see a solicitor and file for divorce. Your marriage is over. He doesn't get to decide everything anymore.

I do his laundry, cook his meals, etc,

STOP. Your marriage is over.

You can co parent and be divorced, but he doesn't get to use you as a skivvy anymore or force you to put up with his shagging around in front of you. Fuck that. And any women who'd go with such a man is a skank.

myBum, I’ve read many MN threads from women in similar situations and seen that it’s widely believed there’s another woman in place already.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there was. The other day he sulked that I hadn’t said how sad I was about losing him and he just focussed on practical things, ie our house etc.

He seems to need the attention and it probably was lacking in our marriage as we had 1 DC with autism and 2yo twins.

In a nice way, you are being unreasonable, that you think this will work. He is being an absolute shit to you - he gets all the benefits of having a wife - all his stuff done for him, but doesn't have to bother with any of the 'duties' of being a husband if he doesn't want to, such as fidelity. It must have been a huge shock if you didn't think you had any issues in your marriage, and this is why you felt like you were having a breakdown. But you will cope. Honestly. And it's better for you and the children to be clear that its over and to not have to see him every day.

I'm so sorry OP but this is not going to work. He has clearly told you that for him, the marriage is over, and what you are doing is just dragging out the breakup and making it harder on you in the end. He will meet someone eventually and all he will do is keep it secret/ see her at her house if you tell him its unacceptable and he will still come home and get you to wash your clothes and eat food you've cooked.

Here is what I would do -
See a solicitor. You need to protect yourself incase things turn nasty. Ring fence any shared finances that you can. Take cash out and stash it where you can. Don't delude yourself that he will play fair later down the line.
Ask him to find somewhere else to stay in 4 weeks or whatever is reasonable. In the meantime discuss how and where he will visit the children (the house will no longer be his so I'd advise against doing it there as it will be an invasion of your space).
Stop doing his washing and sorting stuff out for him. I'd only cook for him if he is eating with you as a family - no packed lunches etc. You are now housemates so do what housemates do and sort your own stuff out.

You are literally just torturing yourself. I'm so sorry your going through this but honestly your making more pain for yourself. If he is adament the realsionship is over and is only staying in the house for the kids you can not stop him for meeting other woman. You just can't and when he does its going to be absolutely torturous to be in the same house while that is going on. I mean it's completely up to yourself but your making a rod for your own back here.

Wow he really wants his cake and to eat it....

Fuck that!

Stop doing stuff for him
No cooking
No washing his clothes
No taxing his car etc etc
Sort out who looks after the dc at weekend and any running around for clubs etc, it needs to be 50/50

And finally tell him to leave! This is no way to live. It must be soul destroying for you

This is no way to live. It must be soul destroying for you

Oddly I feel fairly disconnected, I don’t know if I’m in denial, if my antidepressants have taken over or if I’m just indifferent.

He is a difficult, often cruel man who is outwardly very charming so I’ve let him get away with it. Last weekend he called our autistic child a “dumb shit” because he wouldn’t stop crying when he was distressed due to his siblings making a lot of noise.

So he is abusive to your DC with autism too but tells you he wants to stay with the DC! I think the reality is he knows you separating is going to be a mess and financially it will impact on him. So he is trying to keep everything the same whilst he acts like a single man..... I would have chucked him out after he calls my DS a dumb shit

Wow. You’re really still doing his laundry and cooking?? Are you serious? Nope. Stop that right now. Make him go. Go see your GP about being referred for counselling so that you get that covered on NHS. There are lots of other ways to get help. You’re basically making yourself a housekeeper to your cheating husband to cover the costs of therapy? That doesn’t make any sense. Make him leave. All the time he’s getting home comforts he won’t realise the impact of his behaviour. He needs cold reality. He needs to be living somewhere cold and uncomfortable where he has to wash his own pants and cook for himself. Do not facilitate him. He is utterly disrespectful. Cut him off. Tell him to book into a hotel until he finds somewhere else to live. Don’t let him back. He will then have to fend for himself and make arrangements to see/look after the kids outside the family home. Hard work. Why are you making this easy for him? He will then have to pay maintenance. You’ll get benefits and the cost of your counselling will go down as you’ll find one who does a sliding scale. Have you worked out the finances properly? Go see a solicitor. I’m thinking a lot of your mental health issues will be better once you’re rid of 13 stone of negative dead weight

Get rid.

"Things are complicated as I’m out of work with mental health problems and therefore reliant on him financially. Child maintenance would cover the mortgage and basic living costs but by allowing him to stay I can cover the costs of my therapy/ counselling which I am having at the moment".

Your second sentence here is still no reason to stay with him; he is likely the root cause of you having counselling in the first place. I would think your mental health would improve somewhat when he is out of the marital home.

You are his wife and thus have legal rights enshrined in law. Use the law to its fullest here re him; he is not your friend here. Seek legal advice here asap and do not let your current state of mental health (perhaps mainly caused by him) prevent you from accessing help from a Solicitor.

Your H is a supremely selfish human being and he is only acting in his own self interest. Like most selfish people as well he was likely most put out that your children and their needs got more attention than his. He is not a good father to his children if he can and does treat you as their mother like this.

Kick him to the curb and stop being a slave to him.

He ended your marriage, yet he wants to stay in the house and expects you to still look after him? He' verbally abusive to his child yet claims to care for that child? There's no in-between here - tell him to leave. It'll just get messier the longer he stays.

"Oddly I feel fairly disconnected, I don’t know if I’m in denial, if my antidepressants have taken over or if I’m just indifferent.

He is a difficult, often cruel man who is outwardly very charming so I’ve let him get away with it. Last weekend he called our autistic child a “dumb shit” because he wouldn’t stop crying when he was distressed due to his siblings making a lot of noise".

All your words above are those that an abused person would write; your H is abusive and still continues to treat you and in turn them cruelly. You're now on ADs and I presume this is the case because of his abusive treatment of you within the home. You've got spaghetti head as a result of his abusive treatment of you. And you are not the only one being so affected; he is abusing his children too similarly. Living with an abuser will mess up all your mental health here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Womens Aid are also well worth talking to in your case. Their number is 0808 2000247.

Abusive people as well can appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world. Image is all important to this man, that is all he thinks about. It is only behind closed doors that their full true nature emerges.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

My father divorced my mother when I was a toddler. My mother was mostly single throughout my childhood. Perhaps interestingly, his father was physically violent towards his mother and they also divorced.

I’ve wondered for a while, mostly through reading MN, if his behaviour would be considered emotional abuse. I’m basically a nervous wreck these days.

To the poster who suggested NHS counselling, thank you, I’ve been referred following my mini “breakdown” and the wait is around 16 weeks in my area.

He is a cunt and he is using you and being massively disrespectful. No wonder you have mental health issues with this dickhead treating you like a skivvy. See a solicitor, save some cash, kick the selfish shit out of your home and work towards a good life with your DCs.

I have a child with autism. That comment to your child would have been enough aline to kick his sorry arse out of my door.
You say he is cruel, he sounds bloody awful. He has probably made your MH worse by behaving so appallingly for many years i suspect.
Do you have support in rl? People you can talk to? You will ultimately have to seperate as its not sustainable living like that. Its not going to help you and your MH.
Can you talk to your counsellor? Can you book an intial solicitor appointment to at least find out your options?