Husband seeing other people

[JJPC]

Please be gentle with me, I’m very emotionally fragile at the moment.

On New Years Day my husband announced he wasn’t happy with me, didn’t love me anymore. Over the following days he said he wanted to end our marriage. I had a bit of a breakdown.

The proposed plan for now is for him to stay with us in the family home because

A) he wants to stay with the children
B) he claims to be worried about me

I was ok with this plan but said that should he decide he wanted to start a new relationship elsewhere then I would need him to leave as it would be too hard for me. In the meantime we’re living as a family, I do his laundry, cook his meals, etc, we go out with the children but there is no physical contact between us.

He has said this isn’t fair, that I’m blackmailing him and limiting his freedom. Am I being unreasonable here?

I just don’t know what to do.

Your mental health would probably improve once he was gone.

JJPC

Who was your primary male role model here in your childhood and what was he like towards your mother?.

Your H is certainly emotionally abusive towards you and continues to be so towards you as well. Show him that you are not the weak willed mouse/doormat of a woman he wants you to be.

Please consider talking to Womens Aid or at the very least a local domestic violence support group in your area.

The “dumb shit” comment is the one that’s really sticking with me to be honest. On the same day my two year old shouted “I hate you” at him (unfortunately picked up from older sibling) and he shouted back “I hate you too you stupid brat”

I have no family or friends locally. I did message my sister about the things he’d said to the children as I wanted to know if I was overreacting and she just said he isn’t very “tolerant”. I wonder if she’s just sitting on the fence though - as I said my self confidence is pretty shot.

I’m ‘fortunate’ in that he earns a very good wage which would be very tricky for him to hide and that we have 2 properties with reasonable equity. Our life post-divorce would be a considerable downgrade in terms of material things, at least until I’m in a fit state to earn again, but it would certainly be manageable.

I suspect there would be a dramatic improvement in your MH if you got rid of him OP. The effect of living with someone like him is so insidious it's difficult to see just how badly it's affected us, it only becomes apparent when they go and suddenly you realise a huge weight has been lifted.

He has likely convinced you that you 'won't cope without him' and is using 'I'm worried about you/your MH' to keep his feet under a table he knows he no longer has a right to be at. I know it's a big leap of faith but you will be ok without him, better than ok, you've just been listening to him for too long so now you don't believe it.

I’ve lived like this. Separated but living together for ease.
The only thing I can suggest is if either of you meet someone then it’s not discussed.

Living like this isn’t really going to work long term though. Plus it’s a two way street, you need freedom too. So he will need to commit to having the kids whilst you go out.
Stop doing his washing and cooking, unless you both do these chores/take it in turns.

I suppose I also feel a huge amount of guilt. He is making me be the one to tell him to move out. I know the children will miss him despite his temper. He told my 6yo that he might live in a different house soon and they were so upset.

You know he is emotionally abusive OP.
You know he is cheating.
You know he is also abusive to your DC.
How high or low functioning in your autistic child?
Could you work part time or do you need to be a full time carer?
I also think a call to Womens Aid will help you ascertain and confirm his abusive ways.
I also believe your mental health will improve once he is gone.

My child is pretty high functioning, we receive low rate DLA.

I could certainly work part time but it would need to be within school hours. I’ve begun looking into school based jobs - he finds school very difficult and we have major meltdowns every evening and I feel, for now at least, he needs the downtime at home after school. I’m working with school to make things better there so he is less stressed at pick up time.

STOP doing everything for him.. he has checked out of the relationship .. pls let him go .. pull that bandage off .. yes it’s going to hurt.. but this is pro longing the hurt let’s not forget he wants to date or be intimate with others ..
You are his maid and childminder ..

When he leaves he will have to do things for himself and yes he must do his share of raising the kids ..

I think you need to put into perspective here how bad it would be financially - it does not sound like you would be out on the street with nothing, therefore staying for finances is a really weak reason to stay with an abusive man like this who is affecting your DC
DC don’t care about money at this age, they just want to be loved and cared for. You may well see a big improvement in your own MH once he has gone too

Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them than not living with a father who half the time gives them affection and attention.

Yes I do think that yes

Reading this has made me so sad. You and your lovely children totally deserve better than this. I wonder if your mental health will see a significant improvement once he's actually out of the family home? He's emotionally abusive, to you and your dc. Please stop doing anything for him, tell him to move out, divorce him and start anew.

Thank you. I think I need telling as I’m minimising the effect it has on them.

Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them than not living with a father who half the time gives them affection and attention.

Yes.

All children want is to feel secure. Not financially, emotionally.

Living in a house where someone is yelling at them and making mummy sad and unhappy, vs a nice safe home with you where mum is happy and there is less shouting will have a huge benefit to them.

My DC especially youngest were very unhappy living in a home like that. When he had them only once a week he couldn’t abuse me anymore and it limited the exposure to his stinking tempers and 9/10 he just took them out to a park and let them run around then brought them home.

I agree with the others - it's definitely more harmful. Sounds like it's time to act, OP.

I would throw his things outside on the pavement and then throw him on top the pile. Get rid of the cunt.

Over the summer we were on holiday and showering the toddlers after being at the beach. He was being annoying and I answered back (which is rare), I said something like “oh stop it” and he pushed me out of the shower and then pointed the shower head directly in my face to stop me getting the babies.

After that I did think that I can’t let my girls see this as normal as I’d never want this for them.

Please leave him...you need to rip the plaster off now. Yes it will sting at first but you will feel better after that initial pain xxx

Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them than not living with a father who half the time gives them affection and attention.

It most certainly is, by stating you are telling your dc it's ok to treat people like that. This is the basis your dc will measure all relationships by

Staying for financial reasons isn't a good enough reason, id rather live in a small house than live with an abusive twat, I'd rather my dc did too

He is a difficult, often cruel man who is outwardly very charming so I’ve let him get away with it. Last weekend he called our autistic child a “dumb shit” because he wouldn’t stop crying when he was distressed due to his siblings making a lot of noise

The narcissist label is sometimes applied too readily - but do you think it may apply to your husband? He seems very emotionally cold and detached, and focused entirely on his own needs.

Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them than not living with a father who half the time gives them affection and attention.

Yes. Moreover, his treatment of you is harmful to you. You have detached in order to protect yourself.

As others have said, your MH issues are more likely to resolve themselves with him out of your life. Because your detachment doesn't actually stop the damage - it's just a temporary sticking plaster.

Stop doing his shit and ask him to move out. Get competent legal advice and file for divorce. Your recovery will follow.

And do read Chumlady's blog!

Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them
OMG, the fact you have to even ask this just shows what a fucking number this toss pot has done on you OP.
Of course it's worse.
Far far far worse.
You are having to handle the abuse he dishes out to you as an adult - and how is that going!??? Anti-D's, low self-esteem, confusion, walking on egg shells, trying to placate.
As a child, it is a million times worse to process!
Please leave and do it fast.
A call to Womens Aid and they can help you get him gone or with an exit plan.
NONE of this is OK OP!
You've reached out to us. Now believe us all when we tell you to get yourself and your DC out safely and away from this vile human being!

What dreadful situation for you to be in.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie has given great advice further up the thread.
The only thing I would add it to start recording dates and times of the vile things he is saying to the kids and you and also any physical abuse such as that described from your summer holiday.

Wishing you strength.

"Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them than not living with a father who half the time gives them affection and attention".

Absolutely more harmful.

Your H as well only cares about his own self, not you and certainly not your kids who are also being emotionally abused here by him.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what do you want to teach them about relationships here and what are they learning from you two?. This current role model is no legacy to leave them.