Husband seeing other people

[JJPC]

Please be gentle with me, I’m very emotionally fragile at the moment.

On New Years Day my husband announced he wasn’t happy with me, didn’t love me anymore. Over the following days he said he wanted to end our marriage. I had a bit of a breakdown.

The proposed plan for now is for him to stay with us in the family home because

A) he wants to stay with the children
B) he claims to be worried about me

I was ok with this plan but said that should he decide he wanted to start a new relationship elsewhere then I would need him to leave as it would be too hard for me. In the meantime we’re living as a family, I do his laundry, cook his meals, etc, we go out with the children but there is no physical contact between us.

He has said this isn’t fair, that I’m blackmailing him and limiting his freedom. Am I being unreasonable here?

I just don’t know what to do.

"I’m working with school to make things better there so he is less stressed at pick up time".

Re your son have you been advised ever to apply for an EHCP on his behalf?. I would make the application for him as soon as you are able to do so. It sounds like his additional needs at school here are not being met by the school hence his meltdowns.

IPSEA's website would be helpful to you here and this is its link:-
www.ipsea.org.uk/

Thank you for the advice about an EHCP. I will look into that.

Can I ask what the benefit is in recording my husbands ‘abuse’ is it just as a log to remind myself I’m doing the right thing?

Don't beat yourself up. I found myself in a similar situation, ex admitted cheating for over a year and being heartbroken over the OW dumping him, but didn't want to break up, move out, separate finances (I earned more) just carry on seeing other women and not be a husband to me. Ideally this would involve me not seeing anyone else, and still having his kids for him!

My MH also really suffered during this time (when he was cheating and gas-lighting me that he wasn't) and when he finally admitted the truth it was like all these little boxes of stuff that I had been repressing starting pinging open. Thankfully I found a good therapist and just about managed to stay ok.

I went along with him staying initially because he talked me into it and then because he refused to leave, though I did immediately move myself into the spare room against his wishes. Eventually after three months of me screaming at him to leave, not touch me, come near me, cowering away from him (despite him not posing any physical threat) he eventually left.

OP your thread has made me feel really sad.

Sad that you can't see what this horrid man has reduced you to.

You aren't the one ending your marriage, HE IS. Stop making excuses, stop enabling his behaviour and put what you and your DC need before him. It sounds as though this isn't something you've ever done before, but trust me, it's incredibly liberating once you start.

Life is far too short to be used as someone's doormat. And right now, that's what he's doing. You deserve so much better

Also just to add that I've not have MH issues since

@JJPC

Re: the record - it's so that you have documented record of unreasonable behaviour that you can use in divorce/custody proceedings.

Re: the record - it's so that you have documented record of unreasonable behaviour that you can use in divorce/custody proceedings

Thank you - I hadn’t thought of that.

@JJPC
You're welcome. Don't let him know that you're keeping a record. It should come as a massive surprise to him when your solicitor reveals its existence.

I'm so very sorry that you're in this situation.

Oh OP.
He called your autistic child a dumb shit. He told your 2 yr old that he ‘hates him too’.
Yes, it would be better for your children if they live in a single parent household with love and patience rather then with both parents, one of which is angry, short tempered and verbally abusive.
As others have said, you’ll be amazed how soon you start to feel better once he is out of the house and you have the time and space to heal.
It’s not easy, but my advice would be to agree to the separation and start putting yourself and your children first. Good luck.

He sounds like he has anger management issues.. if he’s like that with a 2 year old God help him when they get older and really start talking back. You aren’t happy, neither are your children (though love him). He needs to leave

"I suspect there would be a dramatic improvement in your MH if you got rid of him OP"

I agree with this. If he is having this effect on you, it's not hard to imagine the effect his behaviour has on your kids.

Also very good advice above to record everything. Somewhere secure eg password protected (with a different password to anything else) on your phone. Keep any texts or emails he sends you. Next time you see the doctor as well tell them about him and the effect you think he is having on you, so there is an official record. He sounds like the sort of nasty shit who would threaten to use your mental health against you (in reality this is very rare so don't worry) and try to go for 50 50 custody just so you don't 'win' so its important to record everything he does or says to the kids as well.

Also even abused children love and have good times with people that are abusing them. Just because your kids love their dad and because he is nice to them half the time doesn't mean that living with him full time is the best thing for them

Record everything but don't let him know.
Keep on top of all the financials and make sure where you know where all the legal documents are.
See a solicitor but don't let him know.
As PP have said, make it clear to your doctor what stress you are under.
I'm not sure what you mean about being in a fit state to work again - how long have you been off work given you have 2 toddlers and an older autistic child? what work did you do? I did see your post that you would need to work around your older DS.

Get him to fuck. Bastard. Any man called my child a 'dumb shit' would have his head in his hands to play with.

I'm not sure what you mean about being in a fit state to work again

I’ve been out of work for around 6 years, much of that time we were living overseas. My anxiety/ depression have been so bad in the last year or so that I struggle to pick up the phone and make an appointment (for example) or pop to the shops. I think having a job will help with my recovery in terms of self confidence but I need to be able to function a bit more normally first.

He can't have the benefits of monogamy (family life, service) whilst acting single.

It doesn't work like that.

I said I was happy for us to live separately within the home and both be around for the children but that if he started dating we’d have to reconsider things. I felt that was fair but he said he was only getting all the negatives of breaking up and none of the positives...

This thread has made me rethink the situation though and I think I’m going to push him to leave.

' I felt that was fair but he said he was only getting all the negatives of breaking up and none of the positives...'

He needs to fuck off. Why should you help him/give him permission to fuck you over, have his cake and eat it? You didn't ask for any of this. xxx

How he's talking to the kids and how he acted to you with the shower etc (and probably other instances) are not ok. No-one should be talking to their kids like that. He won't be helping your MH by treating you like shit.

I know what it's like to not be able to work due to mental health problems btw. It is real, and getting a job doesn't always help, we aren't always ready. Don't push yourself too hard. Focus on therapy for now. xxx

I think you have enough to deal with at the moment without getting a job. Boot him out, recover from what he's done to you, then when you feel a bit better perhaps consider it.

Do you think the tempers, shouting and name calling to my DC is more harmful to them than not living with a father who half the time gives them affection and attention

Yes. And I think the alternating of terrorising and affection are also specifically damaging. Where is their safety and stability?

Children need to know they are intrinsically loveable. It's one of the most important jobs of a parent to give their child that unquestioning belief about themselves.

That same cycle you're stuck in of trying to keep him sweet and not challenging him in case he turns on you is one they experience. Except it's even more terrifying for them when he does turn because they're so small. Trying to figure out how to be good enough, loveable enough to have the occasional nice daddy all the time. To be loved by him.

As much as the fear and uncertainty of change, the prospect of losing the opportunity to be loveable enough for daddy to be nice to them is quite likely behind some of the distress about him moving out. "Is it too late for me to be good enough, kind enough, smart enough to make him love me? Is he leaving because I'm so awful?"

Keeping a log and evidencing his abuse will also be important if you in future need to take steps to protect your children from his continued abuse, if he ever accuses you of being the abuser to cover his tracks, if things escalate and you need protection yourself, if you ever need to apply for a non molestation or occupation order, if you need to apply for legal aid...

Plus the fact that this type of abuse is a criminal offence.

The Freedom Programme might help you to start trusting your own judgement again. It also explains how children are affected by being abused by a parent in these circumstances, and how they recover once the abuser is removed from their home.

he said he was only getting all the negatives of breaking up and none of the positives...

He... What?! I don't even know how to respond to that.

You were right to use the word cruel to describe him, though.

I will definitely look up The Freedom Programme, thank you.

Hi op I think you are doing the right thing by getting him to leave! He is wanting the best of both worlds and that is not good for your mental health

I haven’t read all the thread yet but he is an utter cunt.

You have a tough enough life without him being such a prize prick.

As others have said...
Solicitor
Do not do anything for him
Don’t beg
Don’t plead
You need to be away from this fucker
Leave him!!

And def CMS

I also agree that his abusive behaviour towards you and the children is much more damaging to the children than any positives of him being around at home. Your girls will be assuming that this is how relationships work and that it is ok to be with someone who treats them in this way.

Do you have joint finances and are you aware of what accounts/savings/investments your H has?

Another reason for keeping a diary of incidents is if he refuses to leave and you need to get an occupation order and non molestation order to get him out and keep him out. I had to do the same and used a Word document to post screen shots of messages and emails and to write any abusive incidents. Just make sure that he can not access it.