Husband seeing other people

[JJPC]

Please be gentle with me, I’m very emotionally fragile at the moment.

On New Years Day my husband announced he wasn’t happy with me, didn’t love me anymore. Over the following days he said he wanted to end our marriage. I had a bit of a breakdown.

The proposed plan for now is for him to stay with us in the family home because

A) he wants to stay with the children
B) he claims to be worried about me

I was ok with this plan but said that should he decide he wanted to start a new relationship elsewhere then I would need him to leave as it would be too hard for me. In the meantime we’re living as a family, I do his laundry, cook his meals, etc, we go out with the children but there is no physical contact between us.

He has said this isn’t fair, that I’m blackmailing him and limiting his freedom. Am I being unreasonable here?

I just don’t know what to do.

Yesterday all of these messages left me feeling so empowered to leave but another rubbish nights sleep has left me weak

You are not weak OP, just ground down by this horrible man. Dig deep, you can do it, and start documenting all of the things he has said and done, find a way to squirrel money away, and get some legal advice. You need to do this for you and your children. Call a good friend or relative to support you aswell. Good luck

Today I’ve ordered a new laundry basket and moved the old one into ‘his’ room with the plan being that he takes charge of his laundry.

It may sound like a small step but I imagine he will be furious when he gets home.

OP I think starting this thread signifies that you have tapped into an inner strength. Often when people force us to hit rock bottom, it means the only way forward is upwards. It's clear your husband is a very manipulative and cruel. The way he speaks to your children is appalling. The comment he made about your child with autism really shows how low he'll go in his abuse. And it is abuse! The treatment towards you with the shower is abuse!
I think you'll find your mental health will improve significantly if you get rid of him.
Put together a plan. Women's Aid can help you with this, and also with information and advice. Look out any financial paperwork for wages, property, financial commitments. Also birth certificates for the children, passports etc.
Stop doing his washing etc. If he moans just shrug it off. As hard as it is don't let him feed off this "he's worried about you" he'll use it to his advantage. Your breakdown was an adjustment reaction. It's triggered your inner strength so use that to move forward. He's no good for you. Or the children.
I really wish you all the very best. I hope you will continue to talk to us on here. MN is a whole wealth of knowledge and experience from many who have been right where you are now. Take care xx

Get some RL help to LTB. He won’t leave the shared property voluntarily so once you’ve got your head straight you will need good legal advice and support.

Well done on the laundry basket OP. Baby steps

Drives me mad when I see people saying to "kick him out". As if it's that easy!!

Good luck OP. Stop being a doormat and startin thinking long term. How long were you both expecting this strange arrangement to go on for?

Oh, OP. I think he much more abusive than you have realised, or allowed yourself to realise.

Signs of emotional abuse
the abuser profiles
Am I in an abusive relationship?

My advice is to play things very carefully. Keep up your counselling. Read Lundy Bancroft. Keep a diary/log of incidents. Contact Women's Aid - there is a national domestic abuse helpline and your local women's aid (or equivalent) should have its own contact line. This is important mainly to get support and advice but also because contact with women's aid could be helpful as evidence of domestic abuse, if you need it.

Ultimately, to divorce this awful man, you will need enough support to get through it, and you will also need a very good solicitor. If you can get evidence of domestic abuse, you should be entitled to legal aid.

Also consider your entitlement to benefits (Carers allowance? PIP? Plus Universal Credit) as well as child maintenance, as a minimum. Plus possible share of marital assets, spousal maintenance maybe.

How long were you both expecting this strange arrangement to go on for?

I have no idea.

I feel bad contacting something like women’s. Aid when I’ve not really suffered any physical abuse. They must have so many more needy women trying to get some help.

I’ve a fairly good idea how much money we have and where. I don’t think he’s aware that I have a claim to any of it as it’s been earned by him so he’s never hidden pension info, etc.

Well women's aid is for any women experiencing abuse, not just physical abuse - although you have.

But if you'd like to carry on deluding yourself that it's "not that bad" and not damaging your children, go ahead.

I think that was a little bit unkind.

He is a piece of shit. I was in your position with the mental health issues and as another poster so brilliantly terms it ‘spaghetti head’ as a result of the abuse which triggered the mental illness. We separated and he still expected the same loving affection from me. Not a effing chance. Because actually once he was out of my physical space, I got the ‘fires roaring’ focused only on my and my beloved son (who he also said dreadful things about) and within days, literally days, I was a different person and my mental health improved 80% within a week. Please kick him to the curb and don’t allow this to continue. You have rights and your kids ultimately will thank you for standing up to this abusive arse. How dare he be so mean to your poor son. And you. That breaks my heart. Please love yourself and do what’s right.

Stop doing his washing and stop cooking for him straight away. If he wants to be there it should be more of a room mate situation than you taking care of him.

I’ve realised I’m in a tricky position. We have a second house which is rented out and the rent is paid to me so I technically have an income. I don’t actually see any of this money though but because of the ‘income’ I’m not entitled to any benefits.

I’ve emailed a few solicitors this morning to ask about a free initial appointment so I can see what the best approach is. I don’t want to hurt my children, they mean the world to me. I just feel so crushed that everything is a challenge; I couldn’t even bring myself to call the solicitors hence emailing.

@JJPC why don't you see any of the rental income?

The money all goes to him which was fine when we were together but isn’t fine if we’re separated as I have an income which I’m not receiving.

How does it go to him? Directly into a bank account in his name? Are you named as the landlord on the contract?

You're doing really well at finding your inner strength.

How did it go with the laundry basket?

Yes, you need to get the tenants to change their dd details to you. I would not agree to him transferring the money to you each month as he could then decide to stop doing it.

I suspect there would be a dramatic improvement in your MH if you got rid of him OP.

Abso-fucking-lutely

He’s an abusive waste of space.

Please get him out your house for the sake of your mental health and your children’s.

He’s putting the rental income through your name to use up your tax allowance. If he puts it in his name them he pays lots of tax on it. It’s common but illegal if you are not getting the money.

OP you just have just submitted a tax return on your rental income and paid some tax, so you will know how much it is?

The same as staying in the marital home. He’s not doing it because he’s worried about the OP. He’s doing it because otherwise he’d have to have the kids EOW and one night a week AND pay child support . He doesn’t want to do either of these things.

Nor does he want to look like a bastard who doesn’t see his kids. I suspect he’s the kind of man who cares about his reputation and keeping up appearances.

For the laundry basket I was called a “stupid fat cunt” and a “lazy, useless bitch”. I knew he wouldn’t be pleased though and I feel some relief from trying not to let his moods and sulks affect me.

I don’t completely understand the rental income situation but have a copy of the legal documents so will try and get some legal advice.

What a prince he is. Do you really want your children growing up around this abuse? He’s a horror.

No, I’m coming to the realisation I do not. There’s still a lot of heartbreak though when I’m missing his ‘good’ side.