I hate myself. Had an affair. Trying to get over it.

[Darksoul]

I’m feeling broken.

Keeping it short.. dh and I together 20 years. 2 teenagers.
Last year I had a brief affair and came clean. DH devastated, we wanted to work through and get back on track. Both acknowledged there were issues before, and the affair was a symptom not a cause of the breakdown and what was happening in our marriage.

We’ve carried on for 6 months, but it’s awful. I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself. DH makes little comments almost punishing me, and I enjoy the torture. We didn’t used to be like this. Everyone envied us.

DH wants me to initiate intimacy and I just can’t. I have a wall I can’t jump across. I know he needs this from me, the more pressure he puts on the more I can’t.

Last week we had a huge row, he said some things to me that I can’t come back from. The way he looked at me... it’s broken me.

We’ve discussed separating for the time being. He is more reluctant than me, but our house is toxic, the kids are aware of what’s happening. I’m now devastated. Can’t stop crying. I want to go back to how it was, but there’s ‘something’ missing.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread, please be kind. I’m at my desk sobbing.

I'm not here to give you a hard time. I'm listening and you need to stop crying for the guilt. You've admitted it. It was very wrong and very deceptive but you came clean.

Your partner if he forgives you is allowed to have off days but he does not have the right to abuse you.

How did the affair start? Has your husband always been faithful?

Have you actually considered counselling? As a couple or otherwise ?

He has been faithful, he admitted to kissing someone else at his nieces funeral. Forgivable under the circumstances.

We’ve had 4 bereavements within the family within the last couple of years.

My affair started, as DH was dinking indoors a lot (obviously grieving - makes me feel worse), didn’t want to be intimate, was distracted. Someone showed me attention, made me feel special. After 20 years it was incredible.

Even writing it down makes me feel wretched. I have had some counselling, it all boils down to forgiving myself. Easier said than done.

A bit of counselling together, but his mother’s death unexpectedly at the end of November we thought it best to stop for a bit.

I feel sometimes he’s angry with me.. when he’s actually angry that he’s lost both his parents and his niece and his cousin.

He hasn't been faithful though if he kissed someone else? I'm sorry if I'm harsh but at his nieces funeral? Was this before your affair?

I'm afraid it's never going to go back to how it was. There will always be something missing.

I honestly think you need to split up.

OP - I think it’s less about the affair or forgiving it, and more about the issues you have had, and most likely for a while.
Whiteout solving those issues nothing can change. Just carrying on gets you nowhere. Issues remain and extra stress of the affair creates that toxic situation you are describing.
Just because you are the ‘guilty’ party doesn’t mean those issues are erased and you snap out of your unhappiness and turn into a happier partner.

Are you doing any counselling? For this to change both of you would need to do a lot of soul searching, reconnecting and changing.

Youre grieving because its over. Its hit you in the face. You cant go back to before the bereavements, before the neglect, before the affair.
I think you need space from each other before you have a breakdown

His nieces funeral was 18 months before my affair. He admitted it, when I admitted the affair.

Yes, to soul searching. I need some peace of mind.

My friend is concerned regarding a breakdown, I’ve come close.

But .... I keep thinking I deserve it. I caused it.

Cinder Generally, on MN, although obviously we're all different, a single kiss when drunk or when you're really not yourself, would probably not constitute unfaithfulness, particularly compared with an actual short affair.

While yes, the kiss shouldn't have happened, I think there's more leeway over that than an actual affair that someone chooses to continue for however long.

OP I'm sure your husband is angry that he's lost four close family members in quick succession. But he is also still going to be angry with you. Six months really isn't that long to get over an affair and while yes, at some point, if you're going to make a go of things he has to stop referring to it, it is still very raw - six months ago is not that long when you've been together 20 years and while he's dealing with all the other stuff to, you can't really expect him to process and act rationally at your act of betrayal.

The house is toxic, as you say, and the kids are aware. This is why I think you should split up. Live separately, go to counselling. You may, may give it another go when everything calms down. But it's clearly not going to if you carry on in this way. It's doing no one any good.

But be prepared to accept it may well be over.

I cant imagine what it was like for you to come clean. It was brave. Your husband until that point had his world in order. It's been shattered. He may choose to hold onto that venom for a long time and eventually you'll really suffer for it.

Things wont be the same. It sounds as if your been doing a lot of the mental load before the affair. Thay can take a lot out of someone. Are you still in touch with the affair person? If so, this may play on your husbands mind.

Yes he may be angry and grieving but he cant use you as a verbal outlet. If the children are becoming affected, it is time to take action. Is there anywhere either one of you could go for now for respite?

Personally I don't think the affair is the biggest problem here, I think it's all of the other marital problems you have and the anger/devastation he is holding from all the deaths the family have taken lately.

It might be worth starting councilling again, but having individual sessions as well as couples.

What's done is done and all you can do now is move forward. Best of luck whatever route you take.

I don't blame him for being hurt and angry that he can't trust you. It will take time to heal, if it ever does.

Maybe separating and seeing how you both feel with some space will let you both know if you want to be with each other and work through your issues or not.

I agree that kissing someone isn't right either and not understandable.

Dark soul he isn't innocent then and only admitted it when you came clean about the affair, yet he's still giving you grief when he kept that quiet for all the time.

It sounds like you both need to take a step back and decide what you want.

ohnoherewego62 it was the bravest thing I’ve ever done coming clean.
Your comment about the mental load is spot on. And an extra layer of guilt is, where will he go? Will he ok? He’s not got a close friend to rely on.

When I’ve mentioned his kiss... he is pretty defensive and says it’s not comparable as I’ve ‘fucked’ someone.

He still cheated. Whilst yours is worse, he can't pretend to be innocent.

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say we are all human and sometimes we all make mistakes some big and some small. You admitted your mistake (which I agree was brave) and now you need to try and move forward.
I would suggest going for more counselling both yourself and as a couple if you can
so that you can both work out if you want stay in this marriage.
I wish you both the best of luck for the future.

@SpillTheTea totally agree.

Gish how different the responses would be if this was a man who had had an affair after his wife lost 4 family members.

Doesn’t matter what ‘issues’ you had in your marriage, you chose to have sex with another man behind your husband’s back. He was obviously tempted to stray as well but it went no further to a kiss which is totally incomparable to your deceit.

You should leave, not him, then with some time apart, you can both decide if you want to continue with the marriage.

You said the affair wasn't the cause of the break up but there were already problems so wasn't there something missing before? If so and say you hadn't had the affair then maybe you'd still be in the same position. Yes it's really sad that theres been so many bereavements but you can't responsibility for your husbands grief. You have to stop beating yourself up about this. It takes two to make a relationship. Yes it's a shit thing to have an affair but maybe he would've done the same given the opportunity to follow on from the kiss. You can't stay with him out of guilt as this will eventually turn to resentment.

I'm sorry, but I think it sounds as if you need to rip the plaster off, for both your sakes.

Cheating is cheating though regardless of how far it went. Had the circumstances in which he kissed someone been different it may have led to ‘fucking’.

I think you need to accept your marriage is over. He obviously cannot forgive you, you cannot forgive yourself and neither of you are forgetting any time soon. It’s not fair on your children having to live in a toxic environment.

FWIW, I'm sure the death of his niece (presumably a child, or young adult) was terrible, but the kissing someone else bit isn't a normal response, and it sounds to me as if he came out with that when he felt he had the moral high ground over it due to your greater sin.