I hate myself. Had an affair. Trying to get over it.

[Darksoul]

I’m feeling broken.

Keeping it short.. dh and I together 20 years. 2 teenagers.
Last year I had a brief affair and came clean. DH devastated, we wanted to work through and get back on track. Both acknowledged there were issues before, and the affair was a symptom not a cause of the breakdown and what was happening in our marriage.

We’ve carried on for 6 months, but it’s awful. I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself. DH makes little comments almost punishing me, and I enjoy the torture. We didn’t used to be like this. Everyone envied us.

DH wants me to initiate intimacy and I just can’t. I have a wall I can’t jump across. I know he needs this from me, the more pressure he puts on the more I can’t.

Last week we had a huge row, he said some things to me that I can’t come back from. The way he looked at me... it’s broken me.

We’ve discussed separating for the time being. He is more reluctant than me, but our house is toxic, the kids are aware of what’s happening. I’m now devastated. Can’t stop crying. I want to go back to how it was, but there’s ‘something’ missing.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread, please be kind. I’m at my desk sobbing.

I agree. Suddenly they had separated too and he tricked her into thinking she had an affair?

@yellowallpaper I think the fact he only mentioned the kiss after OP spoke to him about the affair speaks volumes. If it was a non-event he'd either have mentioned it before or not felt it worth mentioning at all.
I think people are assuming that he's using the "I swear it was only a kiss" line that cheats use but obviously we don't know whether that's actually the case.

It's fine if you and your DH are ok with you kissing other people but that's not the case here.

How many times are women on MN told who've had a drunken kiss to forget about it, it's nothing, no need to tell the husband? Now it's as serious as her fucking some bloke several times. Unbelievable.

I'd be so angry he told the DC. Do they blame you? If so I'd say something along the lines of Dad has done some not so nice things but I think it's best if you don't know about them but I'm not totally to blame.

Nobody has an affair if they are truly happy in their marriage.

Forgive yourself and then ask yourself what you want.

If so I'd say something along the lines of Dad has done some not so nice things but I think it's best if you don't know about them but I'm not totally to blame.

Yep let them be angry at both parents. That's a great way to help their home life/mental states, use them as pawns in your game...

@GiveHerHellFromUs it's also very possible that he made up the kiss to "get back" at OP. Or even embellished so she might feel a fraction of the hurt that he is feeling. Or he could have shagged her, so basically we have no idea about the kiss. Saying it speaks volumes is only true if you're looking for that specific answer.

@azigazagah then she might as well say "Daddy has done horrible things but I'm better than he is because I won't tell you what they are." It's just such a fake moral standpoint.

@Biancadelrioisback you're right. Any of those things could've happened. But any one of those scenarios also speaks volumes about who he is, surely?

They all suggest a different kind of man and we don't know which of those he is.

The point still stands that it's a toxic environment. OP is 100% definitely in the wrong and she knows that.

As I said as the beginning, I don't think they can come back from this. He's too hurt and she can't be intimate with him so what chance do they have?

Being unfaithful is more about the dishonesty than anything else. You have both agreed your affair was to do with problems in the relationship, but i am not sure that is entirely right - some people have problems in their relationship but do not have affairs because it is fundamentally dishonest. So you have both chosen to be with other people to a greater or lesser extent AND been dishonest. Which is why I think some posters see this as over.

However what you could do is acknowledge this with eachother and decide whether you want to create something new together and decide what that will be. You might want to focus on supporting him with his grief. Decide together if you want to have sex and if not what he alternatives are. Work out in an adult way what you both really want and come to compromises.

A part of his anger might be that he doesn't think you realise that your dishonesty and disloyalty was at a time he needed someone. You may feel anger about the kiss and that he shut you out.

There is no excuse for toxic, really. I think you need to work out how you really feel and what you want and what you can agree to going forward. Him too.

Guilt is worthless; actively trying to make things better is priceless.

He cheated.
You cheated.
He thinks a dad taking illegal class A drugs is acceptable.
Your children are in the middle of this shit storm.

I'm sorry, I don't think anyone is 'innocent' here and the only people I feel sorry for are the kids.

I'd seperate.

I wonder if part of his difficulty now is how bereft the op appears to be? Has it switched to him having to comfort, support and reassure her, because she's made it all about her and how difficult she's finding it, dealing with the guilt?

If my husband had slept with another woman I would want him to be focusing on me and my pain, not me on helping him to deal with his guilt.

I really think that you need external support to deal with your own emotions around the affair and then joint support to help you work through the impact on your marriage and whatever else is going on. He cannot be expected to help you deal with the guilt that you feel.

How many times are women on MN told who've had a drunken kiss to forget about it, it's nothing, no need to tell the husband? Now it's as serious as her fucking some bloke several times. Unbelievable.

^Typical MN hypocrisy. Anything to deflect from the fact the woman is a cheat. Disgusting.

I think that’s very true Hooves. OP is wrecked and it isn’t reasonable to except her husband to deal with that on top of everything else

Also OP the "separation" he may see this as you having manoeuvred it because you wanted to start something with someone else. Why didn't you both talk about each of your intentions in relation to seeing others at the time you agreed on different bedrooms? After 20 years it would be a key thing to talk about , if you were actually separating? The logistics, how to present it to the kids to minimise confusion and hurt?

GiveHerHell you're right, I'm not trying to paint him as a complete victim. Whilst he is the wronged party, he isn't handling it well and is making life difficult for the children which is not fair. I think OP should leave, create actual space and let the family start to heal.

@Biancadelrioisback I 100% agree. I feel sorry for the poor children as well. They've also lost 4 family members and now they don't even know where they stand with their parents.

This isn’t about just you and your H. The toxic dynamic isn’t fair on your children. You cannot turn the clock back and your self flagellation and his outbursts can not be allowed to sour their childhoods.

Choosing to stay stuck harms everyone. Separate and accept that going back to the rose tinted past, isn’t an option,

Thank you for all your replies.

A lot of them have very direct points, I’m taking on board.

I’ll reply to a couple; picsinred I looked at the Women’s Aid list, no DH not controlling. He has been jealous in our marriage, and made it difficult to leave our family business to pursue a different job. It’s almost like I’ve fulfilled his premonition.

bbcessex the Facebook stuff was/is awful. DH didn’t post it. He received so many supportive messages, I received many abusive ones.

siriusblack94 I initiated the separation. With the intention of separating, I knew I had strong feelings for someone else and at that time I believed the best thing was to separate. Hindsight is wonderful, I should have approached DH so he knew where I was at. Maybe we could have worked it through.

It’s hard to admit, but when you’ve been with someone a long time, and someone new is paying you compliments, sharing with you, giving you a glimpse of something different it’s was too difficult to resist. I was blinded. I believed DH wasn’t ‘in love’ with me (we’d had that conversation).

arboretum89 sadly I am barely functioning. I’m trying to be all I can to my family, as that has always been my role. I feel shaky and am still struggling to eat.

screamingladysutch ‘Affairs are a big mistake in trying to make ourselves happy’. Yes.

crestar are you my DH? That’s the kind of disgusting conversations we have.

azigazigah I was desperately hurt and ashamed the children were told. It was the ultimate punishment. They were angry and were rude and difficult for about 8 weeks. I had to pull them, and demand it stop. I told them all the good things I’ve done in my life and all the good things I’ve done for them was being overshadowed and they needed to stop. The conversation was an emotional one, but they respected what I said. The three of us ‘have moved on’.

inspiremewithyourdesign ‘guilt is worthless; actively trying to make things better is priceless’ I’ll try and live by this.

hearhoovesthinkzebras Yes, I’ve fallen apart and he has tried to help and support me. Which is a difficult thing, I acknowledge it but still can’t pull myself together. It’s such a flip to our married life, as I have ‘done’ everything for my family, supported them, loved them and taken that caring role. So this role reversal is very uncharacteristic for us both.

I can’t seem to ‘stand up’. I’m no victim. But I can’t get over my shame. My whole community knows, I find it difficult going to the shop. I want to get over this. But I’m confused by myself. I’ve had some counselling. DH is having some on his own from next week. We have had a couple together. However, it is very expensive. As much as I would love to go back and do joint too, it’s just out of our reach.

So I can understand that your mind was in a different place to his. Even without laying all your cards on the table, to you the relationship was ending/ended. But a relationship is a partnership. You have to communicate and you didn't.

Can I ask why are you going through the motions now? You wanted the relationship over 6 months or so ago. You had mentally checked out and had strong feelings for someone else, even acted on those feelings and slept with someone else repeatedly, had feelings for them. So what changed? Why did you confess? Why are you prolonging the relationship now? Why have you decided it's worth the pain and effort now?

I worry that you're doing this, staying together, because it's easier for you. You can fake to the outside world that your relationship is healing. You have the support from your DH, you've narrowly avoided a full breakdown, you said he saved you. What will happen when you have forgiven yourself? Or when you're stable? Or meet someone new? Will you just walk away at that point? It seems to me that you're using your marriage as a shield and a crutch, once you don't need them, you'll leave.

I can’t get over my shame. My whole community knows, I find it difficult going to the shop. I want to get over this.

OP you sound like someone who deeply regrets what you've done.

You deserve (as do your family) to move on and find peace now. You've fully acknowledged your part and you can do no more. Your husband isn't innocent either - it's never black and white, but you shouldn't have to live in fear. That's just awful.

Please remember that this is yesterday's news for some people. Whilst to you it's ever present, for a lot of other people, it's in the past, a bit of gossip and that's all.

What you and your husband decide to do is your business and nobody else's.

Please remember you've had an affair. You haven't killed someone.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person who has done something they shouldn't, but who is causing herself way too much heartache. I worry about your mental health here. Look after each other, and whichever choice you both make, will be the right ones for you.

You both deserve a break here.

@arboretum89 - I agree with your post 100%.

Hi OP,
Everyone makes mistakes, please give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect or has the perfect life.
I know the gossip side of things is difficult but as has been said before they will soon forget about this and move onto the next thing.
Re: counselling being expensive, can you talk to your GP about being referred for counselling?
My NHS Trust doesn't provide counselling but gave me a list of places many of which are low cost or voluntary fees so you can pay what you can afford.

Good luck for the future OP, things will get better with time.x

I think the counseling being expensive is a bit of a red herring - it's got to be cheaper than divorce surely? I also thought that Relate charges you on the basis of what you can afford?

You can access relate via IAPT on the NHS also

Did you end the affair because you wanted to put things right? Is the Other Man getting abuse too?

My boyfriend had a one night stand, weeks into our relationship. We split up for a few months and have been together for 2 years since. I bring it up in any argument as it really tore me apart when I found out. It was a knife through the heart. You had an actual affair, after 20 years of being together. That must kill him as it's the ultimate betrayal. There is still hope though. I've read so much about cheating and I learned that if the cheater takes full responsibility for it, doesn't seek to blame the other person, and shows genuine remorse then they're less likely to do it again. You need to persuade your husband that you won't. If he can't trust you, there's really no point.