I hate myself. Had an affair. Trying to get over it.

[Darksoul]

I’m feeling broken.

Keeping it short.. dh and I together 20 years. 2 teenagers.
Last year I had a brief affair and came clean. DH devastated, we wanted to work through and get back on track. Both acknowledged there were issues before, and the affair was a symptom not a cause of the breakdown and what was happening in our marriage.

We’ve carried on for 6 months, but it’s awful. I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself. DH makes little comments almost punishing me, and I enjoy the torture. We didn’t used to be like this. Everyone envied us.

DH wants me to initiate intimacy and I just can’t. I have a wall I can’t jump across. I know he needs this from me, the more pressure he puts on the more I can’t.

Last week we had a huge row, he said some things to me that I can’t come back from. The way he looked at me... it’s broken me.

We’ve discussed separating for the time being. He is more reluctant than me, but our house is toxic, the kids are aware of what’s happening. I’m now devastated. Can’t stop crying. I want to go back to how it was, but there’s ‘something’ missing.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread, please be kind. I’m at my desk sobbing.

I'm not going to join the debate over who was unfaithful first etc, but I have experienced first hand what it is like for the children in this situation.

My father had an affair when I was 17 - he was working abroad, admitted it when he returned home. My mother debated divorcing him, ultimately she decided to stay married. She then spent the next 4 years very bitter and angry, constantly making barbed comments in front of anyone/everyone that made it crystal clear what my father had done...even though she never actually told myself or my brothers directly. She basically never forgave him.

It was a horrible atmosphere to be in. I ended up marrying my first boyfriend when I was just 21, as I was desperate to get away from both of them. 2 days after my wedding, while I was on honeymoon, my father left for the woman he'd been having an affair with for the previous 6 months. Even though my mother then told me he'd had affairs for most of their 23 year marriage, she blamed me for his leaving as my getting married had 'made him feel old'. He was 42...that was 30 years ago and I have not been him since. He has been married to the OW for 28 years...

My mother should have divorced him long before she got so bitter. Her anger at his actions ended up affecting everyone badly. She's still as angry to this very day. Don't let your husband do the same to your children.

So you'd separated, told him you were seeing someone else and he has changed this into an affair and told everyone you cheated.

When really - by his own admission there's probably more it was him who cheated when you were still together.

Has he been critical and controlling in the past?
Is he "allowing" you to leave him?

What a mess. You’re both being incredibly unfair on your children. For their sake please split up and one of you move out. The whole time you’re looking back and tearing strips off each other your children are stuck in the middle and hurting. As I’m sure you don’t want them thinking the way either of you have behaved is healthy or acceptable, just get on with it and stop making them live in a war zone.

I don’t think you can take all the guilt onto yourself. It’s not like you were just bored with your marriage. Your dh was taking coke and drinking heavily and generally acting like you were not important in his life.
Perhaps your dh is punishing you for the affair because he knows he is in a small part to blame. The fact that he now realises how much he truly loves you it took him almost losing you.
Also men have very fragile egos and are often possessive of their spouses. If he’s going to continually use the affair against you then your marriage is effectively over.

Ok - to restore a bit of balance here.

“In your mind we were separated” doesn’t cut the mustard. Either you were or you weren’t. Obviously you weren’t separated, and your husband didn’t get that particular memo. Stop trying to sugarcoat it.

There are some probably well meaning people here that are trying to equate your affair with your husband’s kiss. They are NOT the same, and it’s not going to help any possible reconciliation if you start thinking that way. Now, if you had a one night stand, that would be a lot closer, but your description of this as a brief affair suggests that you were in a pattern of deceiving your husband over a period of time.

Finally, to cap it all, you can’t be intimate with your husband (or can’t initiate intimacy?).Either way, I suspect you had no such issues with your affair partner.

Frankly, if I were your husband you would be in a bedsit with divorce papers in your hand.

I think you are lucky that he’s given you the option to stay married. Perhaps it is better to go your separate ways, but you seem to be completely crippled by guilt.

I think your husband is owed an honest decision from you - a decision that is what you want and will commit to.

AusFrosty, she told him they were separating and moved into the spare room.

It's not ideal (or best advised) to start dating whilst still living together - but its certainly not an affair, no matter how he tries to reframe it.

I've done this. I thought dh didn't love me and he could be abusive. Had a brief affair. I was flattered by the attention.

I realised I still loved my dh and am so glad he gave me another chance. I never take him for granted.

I would try and hang in there.

Oh right, you were separated so very different to having an affair. You should have clarified what this separation meant before seeing someone else, but you were separated. He was out of control and distant and you found comfort in someone else.

How do you feel about him? It doesn't sound like you want to be with him anyway..

Hi OP. It sounds like the past couple of years have been incredibly tough and emotional for you both in numerous ways.

I think that the only chance you have to save your marriage is if you both agree to counselling. There are many issues that need to be explored and resolved, not just relating to your affair at all.

I really hope that you and your DH are able to start counselling as it sounds like you would both like to save the marriage but at present there are too many emotional blocks in the way.

Good luck to you

Just to add, I think you’d both benefit from individual counselling as well as couples counselling. You hold a lot of self loathing and guilt and your DH sounds pretty messed up from the bereavements with regards to the drug taking etc.

It's not a great sign if he can't forgive you, and you can't initiate intimacy.

My two cents - definitely consider counselling, together.
Individual counselling for both of you could be beneficial as well.
But couples counselling will help you both find out where things went wrong. It's not about blame. There was obviously something going wrong in your relationship before the kiss and the affair. You're both in this relationship, and barring one of you being abusive, you both share responsibility for being where you are now.
Counselling may not save your relationship; but if it can't, it may help both of you have a deeper understanding, of yourselves, of each other and of the relationship; and may help allow a more amicable parting, and more wisdom to bring to future relationships.
If you do go down this route, perhaps consider separating residences during this time if home-life is toxic. That's not good for your children.
Good luck OP.

If it was over, you should never have come clean. Unburdening your soul means you crushed his.

This is one guilt that you should have carried in silence, alone. You were a damn fool but it wasn't for long.

My advice to you? IF you want to heal your marriage and stay married? IF you still do love him?

There is a book by Linda J MacDonald called 'how to help your spouse heal from the affair'.

From the betrayed spouse point of view, here is what I needed:

Your hating yourself and feeling sorry for yourself is all about you. Actually, you need to think about him and his hurt.

You cannot say sorry enough times. Try and say sorry before his comments. Try and pre-empt his pain.

The comments are from his pain and that he is trying to get across to you how much it hurts and how much damage you have done. So, apologise, acknowledge how selfish you were, how you weren't thinking about anyone other than yourself.
Talk about how ashamed you feel, how you fell for the flattery, how it was a fantasy, if it makes you feel unworthy, less than etc. That he was a stranger, you were pretending, blah blah blah.

And bring it up BEFORE he brings it up. This is the absolute key thing to do. Because it shows its on your mind and how much you regret hurting him, breaking your bond.

Last of all: try and go back to the beginning when you first met, and getting to know eachother. Talk and talk and talk. And touch him. Not sex, but just touch him in a respectful and caring manner. Hand on arm, etc.

That is what will heal him.

And you do it for as long as it takes.

If you don't love him, don't find him attractive any more, then as other people say, rip off the plaster.

@bluemoonetal did he stop being abusive though?

I would separate. You can’t hate yourself forever.

You fucked up. It sucks. But everyone here ranting about “oh if it was a MAN”. It’s not a fucking man. It’s a woman who asked for a separation then slept with someone else while her husband was lost in grief, alcohol and coke.

If it was a man I’d say the same.
The relationship is currently untenable. You’re not loving each other.

Move on. For you and him and your kids. Find some joy in life again and move past this guilt. There is nothing to be gained dragging yourself through this pain constantly.

If you have had an affair, regretted it and it is over, DO NOT TELL.

I can categorically say that learning of my intimate betrayal was the worst, most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. It is very hard to describe how scarring it is. Years later, I believe I am an unattractive non-woman and nothing anyone says can change this deep belief. I don't trust anybody.

I found out one that was still carrying on.

But if he had cheated and then decided that his marriage and family were more important?

Absolutely the wrong innocence of not knowing is a pinhead compared to the nuclear bomb annhialation of knowing.

Yes, he is much better. I think he realised that he could lose me.

No excuse for what I did but I used to constantly appease dh and felt unattractive. OM seemed to understand me more😕

OP,

Can i summarise your posts?

1. You've been with your DH for 20 years
2. You've had a close, loving relationship with him and his family - your in-laws
3. 4 of his family / DCs family / your in-laws died sadly within the last couple of years
4. Your DH was devastated, began drinking heavily, taking drugs and behaving badly over a prolonged period of time
5. It got so bad you both agreed to a trial separation and moved into separate bedrooms
6. You then began a relationship with another person and told your DH
7. He then told you about a 'kiss' earlier in the timeframe, is painting you as the marriage breaker, and is happy to forgive you and try again.

If that's right, you are living a whole different trauma to the one that I'm reading. Why are you feeling so guilty?

What's changed between you and him between points 5 and 7? Did you see him in a different light, decide he's the one for you after all?

You didn't have an AFFAIR - you were separated, from a man who's behaviour include(s) doing drugs. Who shut you out and became self centred, erratic, cold and selfish.

Also funny how he admitted to kissing someone early on in the timeline - not explainable, and also prefixes his behaviour spiralling - guilt from his side, maybe?

I think you are being manipulated and need help to see this clearly. No wonder you are bereft - it seems to me that you realise you can't save this because you don't want to 'belong' to this man again, and that is very, very hard to come to terms with.

I would end it. I would feel so bitter in your husband's shoes that no way could we ever be happy again.

It happened, you confessed and apologised- but it isn't working. You made a mistake, but you are not a bad person and don't deserve to be endlessly punished, either. As PP have said, time to rip off the plaster.

bbcessex interesting post and your numbered points are correct.

What happened.. I admitted the affair, as did the om once he knew I’d come clean. He is part of our wider circle. And then things spiralled, all our friends ‘sided’ (need a better word than that) with my dh - someone plastered it on FB for our small community and it floored me. I wasn’t coping, lots of nasty messages from friends and wider family. I bordered on a breakdown and DH ‘saved’ me.

I find your post uncomfortable and I’m not sure if it’s because it’s resonating with me.

Been with DH since I was 14, he’s all I’ve ever known.

I’m so tired of the whole thing. I’ve tried to put things right. Last weeks row has pushed me to breaking point. How can we move on if dh still wants to talk about sexual things with om. I’ve been open and honest when asked ... but the conversation became disgusting and punishing. I hold my hands up and said something equally nasty along the lines that dh make me vulnerable. Not proud.

@Darksoul It sounds like he was punishing you. Presumably he's asking for all the sordid details? He doesn't need them.

I think he'll always punish you and use it against you, even though he cheated too.

He didn't save you.

He punished you for daring to date again after you had the nerve to leave him, turned your entire support system against you, then dragged you back under control when you almost inevitably had a breakdown.

I would be very, very surprised if there isn't a long term pattern of coercive control here.

Your update makes it even clearer that he is controlling the narrative. This was not a case of you being 100% to blame. He seems to be dismissing his part in the whole timeline. Points 1 - 5 seem to be missing in his scenario, especially the separation part. If you have been together for all of your adult life then it is easy to not be able to see the woods from the trees when it comes to manipulating behaviour. You need to separate and IF he is willing to work on the relationship have some counselling both separate and marriage counselling, however, I would recommend that you have some individual counselling first.

OP, does any of this ring true?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Leave. You want more, that's why you had the affair