I hate myself. Had an affair. Trying to get over it.

[Darksoul]

I’m feeling broken.

Keeping it short.. dh and I together 20 years. 2 teenagers.
Last year I had a brief affair and came clean. DH devastated, we wanted to work through and get back on track. Both acknowledged there were issues before, and the affair was a symptom not a cause of the breakdown and what was happening in our marriage.

We’ve carried on for 6 months, but it’s awful. I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself. DH makes little comments almost punishing me, and I enjoy the torture. We didn’t used to be like this. Everyone envied us.

DH wants me to initiate intimacy and I just can’t. I have a wall I can’t jump across. I know he needs this from me, the more pressure he puts on the more I can’t.

Last week we had a huge row, he said some things to me that I can’t come back from. The way he looked at me... it’s broken me.

We’ve discussed separating for the time being. He is more reluctant than me, but our house is toxic, the kids are aware of what’s happening. I’m now devastated. Can’t stop crying. I want to go back to how it was, but there’s ‘something’ missing.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread, please be kind. I’m at my desk sobbing.

•Gosh• not gish. An affair is not a ‘mistake’. It is a calculated act of deceit.

When I’ve mentioned his kiss... he is pretty defensive and says it’s not comparable as I’ve ‘fucked’ someone.
That's true in a sense - many people might imagine being able to forgive the first but not the latter. However, the fact that he cheated first does put your act in context - sounds like your relationship was already falling apart. Unless you really cant imagine life without one another it might be better to separate. Your kids are old enough to understand that sometimes people are happier not being together anymore.

To be honest, 4 deaths in his family he is probably absolutely devastated and after all that his wife was off shagging another man. I wouldn’t be able to forgive that either. You need to separate. I can’t believe people are minimising what you’ve done! If it was a man cheating on a woman who’d had 4 deaths in the family it would be a completely different thread!

I'm not minimising but I think its typical MN nature to project from their own experiences or kick someone when they're down.

I personally could not forgive an affair regardless of circumstance. I do think it is cruel for him to agree to work through everything and snap and be miserable with her all the time though. How long do you suggest she takes that for???

I wonder, were you at the funeral where he kissed someone? If not, why not? It does sound like you have been far from supportive of your bereft DH, in fact your response to his grief was to disengage and seek your own solace somewhere else. You perhaps could do with exploring your own responses to others anguish to understand why you behaved as you did. Either way, definitely need time apart to process it all.

You have now realised that an affair is never worth the devastation it causes for a bit of a thrill.

I don't believe your marriage is necessarily over if you both want it to continue but you really need to acknowledge harsh truths this has brought up.

You do need counselling to work through it with communication and forgiveness at its core without mud slinging.

Personally I don’t think you can come back from an affair. Well I couldn’t.
Even when things were good after, I’d be cross with myself for forgiving him, like he didn’t really pay for what he had done. I resented the times we were happy (after the affair came out) because it just reminded me of what he nearly threw away. I wasn’t sure what I wanted him to do to prove he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again and because I couldn’t explain that, I ended up feeling frustrated most of the time.
Sounds like the kindest thing for you both to do would be to separate, as hard as that is, especially as it’s affecting your children.

opentooffers interesting comments. Am in no way being defensive, just thinking through your points.... I actually think I was incredibly supportive of his losses. They were my losses too, as also our children’s. I felt I put aside my grief, and went all out caring and supporting him. He went on self destruct for a time, drinking heavily, recreational coke. I felt he had ‘nothing’ left to for me.... which of course he wouldn’t with his emotional state.

I was at the funeral yes. Supporting him and our kids, he went out with his other nieces and nephews, they got completely off their faces. I went and picked him up in the morning, rubbed his back whilst he was sick.

Before the affair I tried to speak to him, looking for some reassurance. Asked if he was happy, as I wasn’t. He kind of shrugged and said this is life.

I was looking for something, he didn’t have to give me at that time.

I pushed for a trial separation, we split bedrooms. He was incredibly angry. I then had a brief affair with someone else.

I am in no way pushing blame my DH way. I did this to us. I broke something special and I’m struggling to live with the guilt.

Split up. It's not fair on your children and of course things seem different now, would you trust him if he'd had an affair?

Kissing someone else is wrong, have an ongoing sexual affair (including all the deceit hiding that requires) is super wrong. Even worse when he was grieving.

It sounds like you would both be better off alone.

Gosh how different the responses would be if this was a man who had had an affair after his wife lost 4 family members.

Doesn’t matter what ‘issues’ you had in your marriage, you chose to have sex with another man behind your husband’s back. He was obviously tempted to stray as well but it went no further to a kiss which is totally incomparable to your deceit.

You should leave, not him, then with some time apart, you can both decide if you want to continue with the marriage.

This

Your marriage does not have to be over. I would ignore people who have not been in similar circumstances, telling you what you should do as people generally have a high opinion of themselves and rarely act like they think they would.

However, it does sound as if you are both stuck in a very bad cycle at the moment.

Nothing can be changed, you are where you are. Can you both get help in identifying what you both might need to move forward? The recent deaths alone could have put immense pressure on your relationship. Do you still love each other?

Perhaps some space from each other would not be a bad thing. The dust needs to settle and everyone is in pain. You could both individually work out if the marriage and family unit is worth saving. Though if either of you thinks you then should separate permanently, the other has to accept that.

Briefly, about 10 years ago a friend's sister died and he lost the plot in grief had an affair and left. She then moved to NYC, cracked on with her life but they kept talking. About a year later, he recovered and they still admitted they loved each other. They got back together and had children and are very happy. But it took guts and understanding from both sides.

Equally, i've seen marriages collapse for less.

Good luck.

It's ok not to want to reconcile. Reconciling won't erase the affair in your h's mind.

After my h's affair was exposed he said he wanted to reconcile but his heart was clearly not in it and it was horrible. I wish he'd said he had fallen out of love and left. The paranoia and anxiety in those "reconciliation" weeks was unbearable and quite frankly as torturous as when I knew he was having an affair but couldn't prove it

It's much easier to heal for everyone once you get the physical distance

You should leave imo and that's the least that you can do to start taking responsibility

I don't think you can reconcile.

He says he wants to make it work but can't forgive you.

You say you want to make it work but can't be intimate with him.

Are you just together because you're both scared of being alone?

By the sound of it its not as straightforward as you having an affair behind his back. There were issues with your marriage, he turned to drink and coke to deal with the losses in the family. You told him you weren't happy and you asked for and started a trial separation before anything happened. It sounds as though your marriage was already over at that point. If you both want to try again then a separation and some proper counselling are needed.

I pushed for a trial separation, we split bedrooms. He was incredibly angry. I then had a brief affair with someone else

So you had actually already split up with him due to his unreasonable behaviour.

That's not an affair.

You feel something is missing OP, that’s because it is, it’s called trust and that 100% loyal feeling. I’m not trying to be harsh, I’ve been on both sides of the equation in 2 marriages. In my first I left in the end because I just knew he would never feel the same and deserved that 100% feeling . Sometimes sorry just isn’t enough, even if it’s very genuine, heads and hearts don’t always work like that , everyone’s different

In my mind at the time, I believed we’d separated.

So admitted to the ‘affair’ - this wasn’t my terminology but his. He was incredibly angry and told our children.

We still disagree on this point.

The poster above .... please don’t doubt ... I take full responsibility. For his upset, our children’s and ultimately my own. I don’t recognise myself.

If only we could go back... dh says it’s taken this to see how clearly he sees me and how much he truly loves me.

I’m just unsure how he will be able to eventually forgive me, which is useless if I still can’t forgive myself.

@Motorbike311
He was obviously tempted to stray as well but it went no further to a kiss which is totally incomparable to your deceit
After 20 years of presumably faithful marriage and children, a kiss with a stranger is a big deal in my book. Also, it sounds like the losses were for both of them - he wasn’t mourning alone - and they were struggling with their relationship for at least 18 months (the time the OP kissed another woman) before the OP’s affair, and had already split bedrooms.
Overall sounds like the relationship was for one reason or another already in seriously dire straits before the affair. Given that, partitioning blame or saying “imagine if it were the other way round” seems pointless and counterproductive.

Its not about whether you deserve a breakdown or deserve to be feeling this bad. The atmosphere in your house will be severely affecting your children, so stop wallowing in it and face what happened. Whether you guys have actually got enough of a relationship to try and fix things, or whether this was an exit affair and that actually, you both need to move on because you just dont get on anymore or the trust has gone

I'd be questioning if it was just a kiss tbh.

I also agree with PP that the plaster needs to be ripped off, it doesnt sound like this so going anywhere for either of you.

So admitted to the ‘affair’ - this wasn’t my terminology but his. He was incredibly angry and told our children.
I can understand he must have been experiencing massive hurt and anger, but that seems a step too far, especially given that your affair did not happen in a bubble, you’d alread6 half split up, and he had already cheated (albeit casually) himself. Sounds like counseling has to be the next step. Though I’d also consider what would be better for your kids. Perhaps a clean amicable break would come as a relief to them rather than another year or two of sniping and tension.

A kiss would be a deal breaker in our marriage and a reason to separate. We've had our share of bereavements as well, as have most people, and I really don't see why that would be an excuse. The fact that he could kiss someone and you having am affair shows that your marriage was already in trouble. He can choose to work on it, or separate. Punishing you isn't going to save the marriage. And you can't save it by yourself. He needs to decide now if hewants to work on it through counselling or not. Otherwise it's over.