I hate myself. Had an affair. Trying to get over it.

[Darksoul]

I’m feeling broken.

Keeping it short.. dh and I together 20 years. 2 teenagers.
Last year I had a brief affair and came clean. DH devastated, we wanted to work through and get back on track. Both acknowledged there were issues before, and the affair was a symptom not a cause of the breakdown and what was happening in our marriage.

We’ve carried on for 6 months, but it’s awful. I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself. DH makes little comments almost punishing me, and I enjoy the torture. We didn’t used to be like this. Everyone envied us.

DH wants me to initiate intimacy and I just can’t. I have a wall I can’t jump across. I know he needs this from me, the more pressure he puts on the more I can’t.

Last week we had a huge row, he said some things to me that I can’t come back from. The way he looked at me... it’s broken me.

We’ve discussed separating for the time being. He is more reluctant than me, but our house is toxic, the kids are aware of what’s happening. I’m now devastated. Can’t stop crying. I want to go back to how it was, but there’s ‘something’ missing.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread, please be kind. I’m at my desk sobbing.

Have to agree with some others, the rush to exonerate the OP and blame her DH for her actions is quite disgraceful, but sadly not surprising. Sorry OP, for your relationship to work, you need to allow him his frustrations and unhappiness to be expressed and do everything to prove that you are committed to him and the relationship. It seems you are doing neither. There is no point you sobbing, and you want to go back to how it was and all the other comments that you have made to act like you are the victim. You are not, this mess is down to you . When your DH needed you most, you were off banging someone else and now you want to act like you are the injured party. Sorry you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. If you don't wan to do the things to save the relationship then tell him, and end it.

We are very quick to launch in with end it, the relationships over etc. I don’t really get it. Marriage is hard work, but there are kids involved her and a 20 year history. Clearly if it’s toxic (and long term toxic) then there comes a time to end it, but plenty of people come back from these issues. Why don’t mote people encourage reflection etc with a view to successfully rebuilding a better marriage for everyone’s sake rather than the emotional ditch him, ask him to leave solution?

My take on the "Why end it?" question, and why I ended mine without a second thought when my ex-wife cheated on me...

Attempting reconciliation is a lot of painful work with a significant chance of not leading to any real happiness. There are billions of other women on the planet who haven't cheated on me, who would make delightfully compatible and trustworthy partners, , so why waste my time and resources on someone who cheated on me? They simply aren't worth it.

That’s true, and I completely get it. But there are not billions of other dads for children etc. I know there are some amazing step parents out there but I think affairs etc. happen for reasons not just selfishness. obviously all marriages can not be saved, but it makes me cross the comments on here - leave him, or else you are so weak. Maybe the stronger finds a way, where they want to, and again where there is not other forms of abuse, repeat offenders etc.

There’s little use judging someone solely on one mistake, sounds as though your husband is no moral exemplar anyway. That being said, you did fuck up. It all sounds like bit of a mess which would be best left behind. But if he’s going to forgive you and you yourself, then you’ll both need to commit to actually forgiving one another and yourselves.

An idea: buy two notebooks, one each, and title them: thoughts on affair(s). Every thought either of you have about the affair(s) gets written in your own book. Then once a week consult the books, share and discuss the thoughts. This may help to avoid the sly comments from him, they have to stop, and will help with your own jumbled mind. Once the thought is written down then forget about it, no need for repeat playing the thoughts.

Give it a set time, say 2 months, see if starts to help. The most important thing is dropping the thoughts and not airing them once their written down but then discussing them, calmly, in the weekly meeting.

Frankly you should just leave. I would leave a man using cocaine and drinking heavily if we had children together. It is no example to set for children. You also need to realise that you are allowing your DH to make you his whipping boy. No relationship can work when one party has to shoulder all the blame.

OP the kind of stuff your husband is asking you about the affair is perfectly normal. It's generally recommended that you answer all his questions and he may keep asking the same questions.

It's part of the process. He may realise that he can't get through this and many people try but realise they just can't forgive. It's generally recommend that you hand over passwords and do whatever else you can to reassure your betrayed spouse. Though trust may never be regained.

You only told him six months ago and it may take a lot longer to get through the anger stage. He has every right to look at you with contempt as you cheated on him when he was at his lowest.

I find it somewhat coincidental that you suggested separate bedrooms then went on to sleep with someone else. Sounds like your head was turned and this gave you the green light.

You should feel guilty, what you did was really shitty. You were together from the age of 14, he probably trusted you with his life. So what if he had a drunken kiss; you had an affair. That involved a whole other relationship with someone outside the marriage; the two are not comparable. Imagine the lies and all the sneaking around.

I also don't buy the drink and drugs excuse either. You could have left if it was that bad, suggested counselling, spoken to him, divorced. You chose to have a relationship with someone else instead.

Sob away.