Feeling excluded from OH's children: AIBU?

[Carlyclc]

Writing this just to hopefully gain some different insight and opinion to my current situation!
I have been with my OH for a year and a half now, we live together and have a dog together; no children as of yet after two miscarriages with OH. He does however, have two lovely daughters, and one horrid ex.
His ex of 11 years frequently stops him from seeing their two girls, however lately she is allowing him to have them every weekend - pending they don’t see me. I have met them already but their mum is saying that it is too “overwhelming” for their eldest daughter (aged 8). Each time my OH drops the girls off to their Mums, she’ll ask him to give their relationship another try, even though she has been seeing her boyfriend for 9 months. She tells the girls that Mummy and Daddy will get back together, and their eldest daughter is now being seen by CAMH due to anxiety over the confusing situation. Last week it arose that she told her eldest that the four of them will be going out for the daughters birthday.
It’s becoming increasingly upsetting for me to keep staying out of the house at the weekends and not see my own partner, but he’s just happy and grateful to be allowed to have his children. I know this sounds selfish. This arrangement has been going on for months now and I don’t know what to do. It just all feels a bit silly to me. We are discussing marriage and children ourselves, and I suspect he will propose this year, so I just wanted some progression. Any advice or am I just being unreasonable?

No you are not being unreasonable. Your OH needs a formal agreement with his ex who should not be making these stipulations.

A word of advice OP, please don't start a family of your own until this is sorted.

Run for the hills, chalk the last 18 months down to experience and be glad you don't have that crazy ex in your life forever.

Buckle up, as this is going to be a bumpy ride.

It sounds way too stressful to live as your life. Is he really worth it?

Because I'd be wanting a man to bring down the heavens anf walk over hot coals for me if I had to put up with this crappy situation.

It's wearing and will impact on your mental health and wellbeing.

You could refuse to vacate your home and if she stops contact he can apply for it.

How old are you OP?

Do you really want this situation long term? Is he worth it.

How can she be his ex of 11 years if their eldest daughter is 8?

I think she means they were together for 11 years

I am 24, OH is 32. As cheesy as it sounds he is my soulmate, and I can’t imagine not being with him, everything is wonderful aside from this one problem, all caused by his ex.
He is very apologetic about the situation and says that she will be more comfortable about me being around the girls in due time - but I feel like at 18 months this should have already happened. I do feel slightly better knowing I’m not being unreasonable though!

Whew! Its going to get harder, I hope hes worth it OP.

24...

RUN

No ifs buts or maybe...run.

He is not soul mate there is no such thing.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but you haven't been with your man very long, eighteen months is nothing in the scheme of things. Far too early for you to be heavily involved in the lives of his children, the situation is confusing enough for them as it is.

Trying for a baby is a bit too soon as well; I'm sorry you have miscarried, lots of people do but it does mean you are not tied to this man. Please do not try to conceive again soon. Imagine if you did have a baby and the family drama continues, the ex hoping she will get back together with him - the children too. It would be terrible.

Cool it, go out and live your own life while you still have a chance. It's up to your boyfriend to sort his ex-family life.

I’d be very wary about continuing this relationship. His ex will always be able to use the children and your DH shows no signs of being able to take any control, and force things to change.
If he is happy to just turf you out of the house every time they come then I just think that is very worrying. What would happen if you do have children? Do you have to leave with the baby? What if the girls find the baby too much?
The ex sounds like a nightmare. Your life will be very complicated and to get through it your need a DH who refuses to be emotionally involved and manipulated.
You are not selfish to want more than what you are receiving now. Are you really sure this man and you share the same vision for family life and so you think he has the capacity to make it happen?

I’m sure neither of you would be mad enough to get engaged when you haven’t even begun to have a relationship with this young children. I’m very sorry about your losses but have to say I’m surprised you decided to ttc given the complications of the situation at is stands. If she’s already saying you can’t spend time with the children, I imagine finding out you were pregnant would send her nuclear and he’d face her stopping seeing them altogether until he got court ordered contact.

He has choices and he’s going with putting her feelings above his own and yours and the DC are suffering from the uncertainty in their young lives.

“In time” would be too vague for me. How long are okay with this going on for?

You really shouldn't vacate your home every time his DDs come.
Stay put and let them sort it out between them.

Yes how will the ex react if you get pregnant?

If you have a child are you still going to be banished from your own home?

Is their custody arrangement sorted legally? If so she can't make those stipulations and if not then it needs to be.

Run. It’ll only get worse.

Need not worry, we are not trying to conceive nor did we try to, but it happened due to failure of contraception. We won’t be getting engaged either.
He has been through court with her but she paid no attention to the court warnings or actions. He is just utterly desperate to see his girls. Just feels so very unfair that one woman can do all this. The few times I have been around his daughters were wonderful and there were no issues or anxieties. I think their eldest has also been implying she isn’t ready to meet me nor her mums partner - but she wants her parents to be together so she would say that wouldn’t she?

I'm also sorry to say that you're only 16 years older than his 8 year old.

I dont think you're emotionally mature enough to become a step mum to an 8 yo under CAMS for anxiety when you're speaking of soul mates and not seeing the terrible problems this relationship will bring

Maybe she really doesn't want to meet you.

She's 8.

Maybe she just wants her parents.

How long have they been apart and when was he last in court?

You mention he’s likely to propose this year so I’m surprised you say you won’t be getting engaged but you’re right to put further discussions about marriage and children aside until he’s protected him relationship with his children, you’re no longer being turfed out of your home and the 4 of you are a settled unit which can face the changes that your relationship becoming further committed could bring.

I knew I loved my now husband and wanted a future with him but I also knew that spending enough time with him and his children to get to know him as a dad was key to really knowing him as a person. You haven’t done that yet.

How is he helping the 8 year old with her hopes for a reconciliation between him and his ex?

Who's house is ut? If it is your house, refuse to leave.
You must have been ttc very quickly after meeting. I would stop now, this is not a good situation, bring a baby into it and it will get worse.
What does your dp say when she talks about them getting back together?

He is not soul mate there is no such thing.
Agreed. You are still young. You have plenty of time to find someone else.

but it happened due to failure of contraception.

Twice in 18 months? Really? Failure, or lax attitude to contraception?

but she wants her parents to be together so she would say that wouldn’t she?

Or she just doesn't want to meet you.

Oh soulmate, shmolemate.

How lucky you were that your only soulmate out of a total world population of 7.7 billion just happened to live nearby.

Don’t waste your young life on this one. There’ll be another one along soon enough.

We rent our house together, 3 bedroom house with 2 bedrooms set up for the girls. He is very understand and empathetic towards the eldest, but is firm in telling her that they won’t be getting back together, she understands this when he explains it, however her mum is obviously telling her different, hence her confusion.

I have thought about ending the relationship it’s so difficult to do when it isn’t actually your partner who is the problem.