Feeling excluded from OH's children: AIBU?

[Carlyclc]

Writing this just to hopefully gain some different insight and opinion to my current situation!
I have been with my OH for a year and a half now, we live together and have a dog together; no children as of yet after two miscarriages with OH. He does however, have two lovely daughters, and one horrid ex.
His ex of 11 years frequently stops him from seeing their two girls, however lately she is allowing him to have them every weekend - pending they don’t see me. I have met them already but their mum is saying that it is too “overwhelming” for their eldest daughter (aged 8). Each time my OH drops the girls off to their Mums, she’ll ask him to give their relationship another try, even though she has been seeing her boyfriend for 9 months. She tells the girls that Mummy and Daddy will get back together, and their eldest daughter is now being seen by CAMH due to anxiety over the confusing situation. Last week it arose that she told her eldest that the four of them will be going out for the daughters birthday.
It’s becoming increasingly upsetting for me to keep staying out of the house at the weekends and not see my own partner, but he’s just happy and grateful to be allowed to have his children. I know this sounds selfish. This arrangement has been going on for months now and I don’t know what to do. It just all feels a bit silly to me. We are discussing marriage and children ourselves, and I suspect he will propose this year, so I just wanted some progression. Any advice or am I just being unreasonable?

Not so much lax attitude, I have a hormonal condition that means I cannot take hormonal contraceptives, tried the copper coil and ended with it perforating my womb. Condoms are essentially the only option.

I am very very understanding that any child would want their parents to be together and have a complete family. As a child of divorce I’m sure I wanted the same thing at that age. I would never push it, but it seems as though there would be no issue in the first place if not for the ex?

The others are right - there's more than one man in the world who is compatible with you.

If you've read enough posts about step-parenting then you know that this kind of ex will ramp up their behaviour when you see the girls, get engaged, have a child... and you'll end up in a situation where you and your child are second class to the girls and their mum.

What your bf needs to do is keep on taking this back to court until ex realises that he means business. Courts prefer kids to see both parents so will happily give contact unless there's proof otherwise.

Don't even think about getting engaged and conceiving with this man. He's not cut ties with his ex properly and this means inevitable grief in the future.

One visit with the girls going well doesn't mean things will be plain sailing. Once they are comfortable enough with you to show their worst (tantrums etc) , then you have a proper relationship. Most kids will be polite to a new adult.

At your age you should run for the hills. There's lots of men out there with much less baggage,

I have been around the girls around 4-5 times for weekends previously, the reason his ex stopped the contact at that point was because they were going back home and excitedly talking about all the days out we had, which obviously irked her. The final nail in the coffin was when they said they wanted to live at Daddy’s.

however her mum is obviously telling her different, hence her confusion.

So you don't actually know if she is telling her dd this, you are just presuming?

Why did they split?

I know you might think we are cynical or that we don't understand how important the relationship is BUT this is way too much drama for a healthy relationship.

24 is so young to be be a step mum and you have rushed the relationship. The children have to come first and it looks like you are trying to do that but your bf is getting exactly what he wants. You, his children and an ex who believes there is unfinished business.

Be cautious about what he is telling you about his Ex. Unless you hear it directly be very, very sceptical. Don't buy into the narrative that she Is crazy. Trust me, it will be YOU with that label in a few years.

My DC don't want to see their Dads gf and it is due to their relationship with him, nothing to do with me or the gf. The anxiety comes from not feeling secure with their Dad, perhaps feeling abandoned so that is why the mum sees the behaviour and you don't. They feel safe to reveal their feelings with the mum.

I know it is easy for us to say but this is not a situation that will get better. Is he really what you deserve or is there a man out there (7 billion population) who doesn't have this drama?? Why would you settle for so little?

excitedly talking about all the days out we had, which obviously irked her

Ah so he is Disney dadding it up then.

Sorry I should have clarified and not used the word ‘obviously’, we know she is saying little throw away comments about mummy and daddy being back together just through what the girls have idly mentioned, but OH does not want to push them for answers as to what their Mum says as this puts them in an uncomfortable position.

Be cautious about what he is telling you about his Ex. Unless you hear it directly be very, very sceptical. Don't buy into the narrative that she Is crazy. Trust me, it will be YOU with that label in a few years.

^this

Red flags all over this.. Bollocks to leaving the house every second fucking weekend.. it's YOUR home too... tell him no way you're doing this anymore.. if she kicks off... go to court..

Blimey, you've only been with him a year and a half. You need to slow down ( and be a LOT more careful about contraception).

They split due to her being physically and mentally abusive towards him. I have seen her texts and heard her on the phone, I in no way think she is a bad mother, it is the hardest job in the world. She is just very much using the girls as pawns. She does things such as arranging for OH to go collect them and then not answering the door but letting the girls see him through the window. The eldest was also rushed to A&E via ambulance and she never told OH. Posts videos of the girls swearing whilst she laughs at it on social media - the list goes on.

It very much feels like everything would be brilliant if she was a “normal” ex!

But your partner is part of the problem, sorry, I know most people never want to admit that but he is. By letting this ridiculous situation continue, he is making it worse.

Maybe don't break up, but as long as you're not welcome in the house when his dd's are visiting, I think you should definitely live apart. It'll kill or cure your relationship, then you'll know. It's not healthy or fair what's happening at the moment.

And it sounds like the ex is a bad mother. No good mother makes their children suffer this way.

KellyHall, I agree, I think I’m doing to discuss this with him tomorrow. thank you

If my 24 yo DD was with a man with so much baggage, I'd be terribly disappointed.

At that age you're in your prime and can be really choosy...a man with 2 kids, one of who doesn't want to meet you and an ex who witholds contact as she likes and wants him back is way too much stress.

Seriously...unless he was the last of his species, I'd move on.

Plus having has 2 contraception failures in 18 months, seems really unlucky.

I don't see a happy ending here.

But everything isn't brilliant is it? He is a dad, and she is their kid's mum.

And only 18 months after meeting a man with 2 children under 10, you've got a dog and are planning marriage and 2 miscarriages (although if you're not trying, I'm not sure why you needed to mention those in your OP), and you're only 24.

Just leave. You sound like a petulant child 'everything would be great if it weren't for his pesky ex'.

Grow up, and find yourself a boyfriend who has time and space for you. And if you can't use any other contraception other than condoms, you need to be a lot better at using them. If you use them properly, they're very effective

Hard hitting but thank you for your advice and insight

Posts videos of the girls swearing whilst she laughs at it on social media - the list goes on.

If you don't think she's a bad mother after this and the list going on, then I seriously question your judgement.

A good mother wouldn't do the above.

but it seems as though there would be no issue in the first place if not for the ex?

Yes, but she is there and she's not going anywhere.

Sorry, that was a bit harsh but you just sound terribly young - and you are! You're only 24. For god's sake, don't saddle yourself with this bloody mess. Neither of them have good boundaries - if he did, he wouldn't be allowing her to dictate when you're allowed to be in your home; if she did, she wouldn't be trying to play happy families.

This is all moving way, way too fast. And you will end up getting terribly hurt in the crossfire.

Your life should be a glorious field of possibility at this stage, not dealing with someone else's grumpy teenager before you're 30.

Oh lovey, this man is waving so many red flags. You need to try and step aside from the romantic ‘soulmate’ stuff and put your sensible head on.

The crazy, abusive ex is such a cliche: it’s a script men use on new girlfriends all the time. It works particularly well on much younger new girlfriends who haven’t yet had the life experience to realise that it’s a script.

I’m not saying she’s perfect. But don’t let a few incidents lull you into the trap of thinking he’s perfect and she’s a monster.

The children going home and saying they want to live with daddy will have been like a knife to her heart. Don’t allow him to suck you into that sort of cruelty.

If you do carry on and have a child with your boyfriend where are you going to go when your boyfriends children are at yours?

I think the reason I have stayed put is because I relocated 355 miles from my old hometown and have restarted my life here, it feels like a step back to move back and I need some financial backing before leaving.

You are far too young to tie yourself to this situation at 24.