Feeling excluded from OH's children: AIBU?

[Carlyclc]

Writing this just to hopefully gain some different insight and opinion to my current situation!
I have been with my OH for a year and a half now, we live together and have a dog together; no children as of yet after two miscarriages with OH. He does however, have two lovely daughters, and one horrid ex.
His ex of 11 years frequently stops him from seeing their two girls, however lately she is allowing him to have them every weekend - pending they don’t see me. I have met them already but their mum is saying that it is too “overwhelming” for their eldest daughter (aged 8). Each time my OH drops the girls off to their Mums, she’ll ask him to give their relationship another try, even though she has been seeing her boyfriend for 9 months. She tells the girls that Mummy and Daddy will get back together, and their eldest daughter is now being seen by CAMH due to anxiety over the confusing situation. Last week it arose that she told her eldest that the four of them will be going out for the daughters birthday.
It’s becoming increasingly upsetting for me to keep staying out of the house at the weekends and not see my own partner, but he’s just happy and grateful to be allowed to have his children. I know this sounds selfish. This arrangement has been going on for months now and I don’t know what to do. It just all feels a bit silly to me. We are discussing marriage and children ourselves, and I suspect he will propose this year, so I just wanted some progression. Any advice or am I just being unreasonable?

God why would a young woman in her prime give up so much for a mere man? There's thousands of them you know.

Seriously, there is no such thing as soulmates. Find someone who has space for you

Long and complicated back story but my (separated) husband’s ex and I did have a laugh the last time we met that he thought we were both crazy. I got the crazy ex stories and he painted me as crazy in court (fortunately the judge did not pay this much attention). If your partner really thought his ex was crazy and damaging for the children, then he would be asking for residency of the children.

The pertinent question is when did they separate? How long before he took up with you? The fact that you have moved 350 miles for him, away from your family and friends presumably, that he cannot take care of contraception when you have a hormonal condition, who expects you to vacate the house every time his children are there, suggests a man who does not have your interests at heart - and yet, you believe he is your soulmate? He is really not thinking about you, you are just young and wanting things to work because you have invested so much in it.

He is not doing his children any favours either - shacking up with a much younger girlfriend, getting her pregnant (twice) and the turmoil of miscarriages, when he has not even sorted out a proper contact schedule with his existing children. Being a complete Disney Dad is also undermining their relationship with their mother.

Have you actually seen these court orders she is apparently ignoring? Has he been back to court to have them enforced? Mediation?

Just walk away from his chaos and leave him to it. You are 24, you have your whole life ahead of you.

You can rent a place locally I'm assuming you work? Dont stay with him just "because"

Stop TTC (and don't pretend you're not. Nobody gets pregnant twice in less than 18 months by accident if they're taking proper precautions) and stop talking about getting married.

He needs to set up contact through the courts and speak to a solicitor if he thinks she's mentally abusing his children.

It's not up to her whether he introduces the children to you but he can't play Disney dad. Children need as much stability as possible.

What do you do when the kids are there? Where do you go?

I knew you'd moved to be with him. Did you meet online dating?

No decent man would treat you like this - get you to move halfway round the country and then kick you out of your home at weekends.

Go home. Ask your mum if you can stay with her for a bit.

As another poster said, don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy where you feel like you've invested so much that you shouldn't walk away. You know the flip side of that is 'you've made your bed, now lie in it'. Do you really believe you deserve that?

Honestly, that is no life for you to lead. Work all week only to stay away during the weekends. That's so sad. I would leave now while you have no commitments e g children.

You moved so far for him! Oh no.

Please think about what everyone is saying. You're young...you don't need this relationship with the baggage it comes with.

It's going to grind you right down and the longer you stay, the more difficult you will find it to leave.

OP, it’s very hard on here when everyone is saying leave, as it’s not always that easy, nor may you be able to sort your head out that fast.

You need to enforce some boundaries.

1. You will not leave the house when his kids come. Yes, you can be out and about and give the girls some space to be with their father - but not leave! He can take them out to activities, cinema etc as well.

1. You are seemingly suffering here because of everyone else’s problems. What about you? You’ve moved a long way to be with this man and no doubt don’t have many friends yet. What do YOU need to make this situation better for YOU? Start making these things happen.

1. He needs to go through the proper channels, ie. court/solicitor to have decent visit at with his kids. Most couples have every other weekend and maybe one night in the week.

1. Set a plan to gradually be a part of his girls lives. I’ve no idea how fast you two got together, but it sounds like it wasn’t handled properly at all.

1. Do think carefully about if this is the future you want. You are so young, put yourself first here - you sound like you have his kids best interests at heart, but what about you?

Buckle up OP, you're choosing a very bumpy road long term!

At 24 I can't see why you'd do this, but it's your life and you must have good reason.

Anyway, good luck!!

You moved for him Not surprised about this but coupled with the big age difference I can see why he picked you.

People move all the time.

You don't have to live with a boyfriend or next door to your mum and friends you've known since preschool. You're a 24 year old woman, you can leave your boyfriend without having to move back to the town you grew up in!

Do you have a good job where you live? If so get your own place! Spend the next six months saving for a deposit and first months rent if you've no savings now, and quietly start looking for a flat to move into in the summer. Or a room in a shared house if you're in an expensive city.

If you've moved to somewhere with high unemployment and taken a dead end job then start saving to move somewhere else, or just move back in with your mum and get a job in your hometown and save for your own place once you're there.

Why do you need "financial backing" to move? Of course you don't! You just need the train fare to move back in with your parents, otherwise you set a plan in motion and save up for a deposit on your own rental and move in summer.

If the ex is so awful you do have to wonder why he married and had 2 kids with her...

Condoms have a 99% success rate when used properly. I suffer from a very rare hormone condition which causes blood clots. So I also can’t take hormone contraception. You need to start using condoms correctly. For then to fail twice in 18 months means they aren’t being used correctly.

Oh I really feel for you. You won't see it this way yet, but you're so young to be entangled in this when you could be out there meeting someone who is as free as you are. The ex won't stop, you could have years of this infront of you. These are your young carefree days with the excitement of relationships all to come, he's already had children will he genuinely want more in the middle of all this? Do you?

His ex is only so much of a problem because he's allowing it. I cant understand how he let's her dictate when you can be in your own home, he needs to develop a backbone here. He could curb this if he stopped dancing to her tune and fought properly through the courts that means going straight back there the minute she goes against their orders.

If you don't want to walk away I understand that, but please start pushing back a bit, HE needs to sort this, and if you're as important to him as he is to you he'll show you some support. If you were my daughter or friend though I would be advising you to end this as I think you're going to have years of playing second fiddle to the ex x

You are in the prime of your life. Dont spend your best years wrapped up in someone else's drama. Mark it down as a life lesson and run for the hills.

You sound like me ex's current partner. I'm apparently the psycho ex who he planned to have two kids under 3 with. He's now engaged to a 23 year old and getting married this summer. I feel sorry for her as she doesn't know what he's really like.

You're so young, you've the world at your feet. You've given up so much already for him and what has he given up for you? His ex wife isn't going anywhere, and if she's as manipulative as you say she is then it will only escalate. You've your whole life ahead of you.

You’re being forced out of your home for 52 days of the year OP. That’s 14%.
Think about that.

This has disaster written all over it, sorry OP but you need to leave this one behind. You are 24!

Why would any man move in with a woman who had only met his kids 4-5 times?

If it’s a weekend that’s 100 days.

If the ex is so awful you do have to wonder why he married and had 2 kids with her...

Would you say that to a woman whose ex had been abusive?

I really feel for your situation OP, you are to young to lose anymore time on this relationship. Believe me it's not worth it.
This situation will only get worse, and if you do bring a baby into this it will spell disaster for you. Please read the the advice people have been kind enough to post, some excellent help in those words, read them and then read them again.

But the problem isn’t ‘ caused entirely by his ex ‘, you haven’t been together for very long, but if you’re living together you should not be vacating the property every time his children are there. It’s up to your DP to get his life in order and sort out the legalities. Sounds like you’ll always be way down the list of his priorities, when push comes to shove, he’ll always let his ex dictate terms.

It's not the ex, it's your bf who is allowing all this to happen.
He hasn't even bothered to sort proper access, where it didn't matter what his ex said or did.
Tell him to sort it, or run for the hills.
He doesn't give two shiny shits for you.