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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling excluded from OH's children: AIBU?

118 replies

Carlyclc · 26/01/2020 22:48

Writing this just to hopefully gain some different insight and opinion to my current situation!
I have been with my OH for a year and a half now, we live together and have a dog together; no children as of yet after two miscarriages with OH. He does however, have two lovely daughters, and one horrid ex.
His ex of 11 years frequently stops him from seeing their two girls, however lately she is allowing him to have them every weekend - pending they don’t see me. I have met them already but their mum is saying that it is too “overwhelming” for their eldest daughter (aged 8). Each time my OH drops the girls off to their Mums, she’ll ask him to give their relationship another try, even though she has been seeing her boyfriend for 9 months. She tells the girls that Mummy and Daddy will get back together, and their eldest daughter is now being seen by CAMH due to anxiety over the confusing situation. Last week it arose that she told her eldest that the four of them will be going out for the daughters birthday.
It’s becoming increasingly upsetting for me to keep staying out of the house at the weekends and not see my own partner, but he’s just happy and grateful to be allowed to have his children. I know this sounds selfish. This arrangement has been going on for months now and I don’t know what to do. It just all feels a bit silly to me. We are discussing marriage and children ourselves, and I suspect he will propose this year, so I just wanted some progression. Any advice or am I just being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 27/01/2020 00:41

I agree with PPs that you should be living apart. It's good that you're going to talk to him about that.

This situation will not get better. Do you really want to get married and have children with someone with all of this baggage? You are 24. You don't need to saddle yourself with all of this.

Clymene · 27/01/2020 00:43

Did you move for him?

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 27/01/2020 00:44

it feels like a step back to move back

Sunk cost fallacy. Don't fall into that way of thinking.

You can't take steps back, because that is the past. Anything you do that changes your situation is a step forward.

Original poster

Carlyclc · 27/01/2020 02:06

Yes I moved for him

OP posts:

rvby · 27/01/2020 03:30

Oh honey. So you've moved for him and now you're stuck financially. And he has a crazy ex, etc.

Sorry but this guy is just bad news. No sensible caring man of his age would have put you in this position.

You're 24 and dont know enough about the world to be able to spot men like this and see them for what they are. With the greatest respect, soul mates are not a thing and you need to give your head a shake. I say that as someone who married at 24 to a man whose problems couldn't possibly be his fault, etc and that of course made it all ok!

We are divorced now.

Please just run. Please.

Bluerussian · 27/01/2020 03:47

Carlyclc Mon 27-Jan-20 02:06:27
Yes I moved for him
.......
You can move again, surely? Young people move around all the time for work etc.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 27/01/2020 04:16

No sensible caring man of his age would have put you in this position.

Rvby is absolutely right.

EL8888 · 27/01/2020 04:31

This all sounds like way too much trouble. It is concerning that your boyfriend dances to the ex's tune so much. For clarity there would be no chance of me vacating my home every weekend because my boyfriends ex said l had to. I can't see her changing and you can't spend your doing what she says. If further on down the line you have a child, get married etc this will be another issue to her and your boyfriend is letting her interfere too much

loopery · 27/01/2020 04:37

Oh dear...you moved for him. Why did you do that when this situation was going on!! You need to be living separately. Where do you go at the weekends when you have to vacate your house? Are you paying towards the house? If you’re paying any money then you shouldn’t be leaving the house.

MrHaroldFry · 27/01/2020 04:40

Oh dear OP. It gives me zero pleasure to say this but the picture you see is not the full picture. As PP have said run...fast!

If you were my daughter or sister, I would try to help you move back towards your full support structure. This should be THE best time of your life. You are young, positive, can do attitude. This is a time to find yourself, find the things you love to do without a added side of drama. Be your own person, no baggage. Take holidays, enjoy hobbies, see friends and get to stay put as often as you want in your own home.
Your 'D' P is telling you, clearly, that his children come first. And they absolutely should. But, you, vacating your home because he can't make his ex see she has zero say in his home life, that shows you your value to him.

Shev1996 · 27/01/2020 04:51

Oh OP, part of me wants to tell you to run but another part wants to say persevere. I was you expect my hubby was the same age as me and just one child who was only 3. Ex wasn’t happy, it took a court case for contact and a lot of money. But we stood by each other. 15 years later and ex and me now talk regularly, contact has been wherever child has wanted for many years before becoming an adult. So there can be happy endings. But it was very hard to get to this point, a lot of tears and arguments. If you are in this you need to know it’s not an easy road by far

Musti · 27/01/2020 04:59

I think it is too messy a situation and your oh seems to be dancing to her tune. At your age you shouldn't be embroiled in this crap, you should be going out and having fun and progressing your career and travelling before you decide to settle down and start a family.

MzHz · 27/01/2020 06:52

I also think it’s highly significant that there’s an age difference between him and you.

There’s no way you’d put up with this shit if you were his age!

Please love, please make arrangements to go back to where you were from.

This man is failing you every single moment and if you don’t have to be saddled with someone who married a woman who treats her kids like this, then don’t.

She’s fucked up, he’s weak and the kids are a mess too. Get out of the car crash and be happy!!

He’s not your soul mate! He’s a very weak and manipulative man.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 27/01/2020 07:04

Do you really want to aim to be a step mother to a child born when you were 15 or 16?

Why did contraception fail twice in 18 months?

You're 24, you have easily a decade to play with before you get to "now or never" situation with fertility/ settling down and having children.

18 months is still a pretty short relationship, and you were so young when you met.

Take this much, much slower and keep out of the relationship with the children for now. They're being screwed up by being pawns in a game between their parents but it sounds highly unlikely that you are in a position to help with that. With the best will in the world, pushing yourself into a relationship with the already damaged and confused children and demanding to be part of their dad's relationship with them will only make things worse. The last thing they need is to be told you're their stepmum and then lose you in a year or two when you sensibly decide the set up is too messed up, and cut your losses.

If your boyfriend wanted to clear the air and set everything straight with his ex and daughters he would...

Glitterb · 27/01/2020 07:06

It’s worth remembering that the ex will be around for years to come with children as little as his, is it something you can cope with long term? You definitely cannot ask him to choose.
At your age, i would be running for the hills OP! The games with his ex will never stop

Yesyesitsme · 27/01/2020 07:12

You life shouldn't be like this at 24. Leave, and live your own life. Don't take on a 32yo man's complicated problems.

MyuMe · 27/01/2020 07:13

It smacks of romantic youthful inexperience.

If only the pesky ex would stop. Then everything would be fine and my life would be joyful.

We all know.our 30s and 40s know it doesn't work like that

AlpineSnow · 27/01/2020 07:18

How long ago did he leave her?

DearHappy · 27/01/2020 07:21

When he has his children on weekends, is that overnight as well? Please don’t say you’re not allowed in your own house for a whole weekend. How does that work? Where do you go when you don’t have friends and family in the area?

Even if he goes to court to get a contact agreement, it doesn’t magically make everything run smoothly. If she’s very difficult, she will still be difficult. I went to court with an awkward partner and he made things hell in other ways because he was determined I wasn’t going to move on.

Fairylea · 27/01/2020 07:29

24?!

Don’t waste your life on this mess.

fishonabicycle · 27/01/2020 07:30

Sorry but I have to agree with most of the other answers. You have moved far from your home to be with him, and now you have to disappear weekends? This sounds like far too complicated a situation to be involved in - there will be years of trauma ahead. Probably best to cut your losses now, while you can - you are still very young and have so much time ahead of you that should be simple and fun!

BitConfused28 · 27/01/2020 07:31

I think the reason I have stayed put is because I relocated 355 miles from my old hometown and have restarted my life here, it feels like a step back to move back and I need some financial backing before leaving

You feel like that now and you have no proper ties to this man. Imagine how you would feel if you had a baby

Its hard but leave him and his circus and focus on yourself. I am 28 and ( not the same situation ) i wish to fuck i had left mt ex when i was younger, once you have children it becones so much harder to leave a fucked up situation

Also OP, have you wondered why a 32 year old man who did have a family is interested in a 24 year old? ( no offence ) but why isnt he with someone in his own bracket who has similar to him?

Why has he gone after someone who is younger, has managed to convince to leave her own house for the sake of his "crazy" ex. Theres no way id be making my partner leave our home on exes say so. Ridiculous. A woman his owm age with good boundaries ( again no offence, its learnt over time ) wouldnt put up with this, but a young girl who things hes a proper adult may just

18 months isnt long in the big scheme of things, id honestly walk away from him and his circus. Do you want a baby who has siblings who are resentful? Do you want your life to be overshadowed by his ex?

Your 24, if you can go back home and when your ready find someone more suitable

All you have to do is search mumsnet, stories like yours are everywhere and it never ends well, its always a continous battle

fishonabicycle · 27/01/2020 07:32

WeHaveSnowdrops · 27/01/2020 07:32

OH has to deal with this.

The ex needs to go back in her box. He may need to go to court to gain reasonable access but that's what has to be done.

Don't leave your home at the weekend. It's very unreasonable of him to expect it. Just tell him to man up and tell the ex where to go.

In the long term the DCs will see you are in a relationship with him, if you are around at the weekend. While you aren't there the ex can continue to lie to them.

Clangus00 · 27/01/2020 07:33

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you.
You need to move back home. This is going nowhere. In the 18 months haven’t you wondered/ questioned why (despite ex breaking the court orders) he hasn’t been back to court?
Don’t let yourself become the next psycho ex! Are your family still 300-odd miles away?

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