Feeling excluded from OH's children: AIBU?

[Carlyclc]

Writing this just to hopefully gain some different insight and opinion to my current situation!
I have been with my OH for a year and a half now, we live together and have a dog together; no children as of yet after two miscarriages with OH. He does however, have two lovely daughters, and one horrid ex.
His ex of 11 years frequently stops him from seeing their two girls, however lately she is allowing him to have them every weekend - pending they don’t see me. I have met them already but their mum is saying that it is too “overwhelming” for their eldest daughter (aged 8). Each time my OH drops the girls off to their Mums, she’ll ask him to give their relationship another try, even though she has been seeing her boyfriend for 9 months. She tells the girls that Mummy and Daddy will get back together, and their eldest daughter is now being seen by CAMH due to anxiety over the confusing situation. Last week it arose that she told her eldest that the four of them will be going out for the daughters birthday.
It’s becoming increasingly upsetting for me to keep staying out of the house at the weekends and not see my own partner, but he’s just happy and grateful to be allowed to have his children. I know this sounds selfish. This arrangement has been going on for months now and I don’t know what to do. It just all feels a bit silly to me. We are discussing marriage and children ourselves, and I suspect he will propose this year, so I just wanted some progression. Any advice or am I just being unreasonable?

OP

You are 24 and have made a big mistake.

You have moved into a shit show that is only going to get worse for you.

Pregnant, miles from everyone at the mercy of this man and his family.

Kindly, grow up and give your head a wobble.

You are so signing up for a long miserable life.

Contact family and friends and go home.

You don't know how awful life can be, pregnant and alone at the mercy of some man and stuck, so flipping stuck.

Wishing you luck, because if you don't cop on you are going to need it.

💐

Once is an accident , twice is a pattern. Having a baby won’t change his priorities and solve your issues.

You don’t sound very happy. You have given up a lot to move to be with this man what’s he doing in return for you?

At the moment you only know what he’s telling you. That’s probally rose tinted to put him in a good light. You don’t know what went on in their household and if he really is spinning her along.

You sound very young and very trusting

Are you paying half the bills, because if you are paying half for a 3 bed house something is very wrong

I think you need to talk to friends , family, maybe go away on your own and think deeply if this is the life you want

You sound very unhappy at 24 you should be enjoying your life not paying for someone else’s mistakes & laziness- why hasn’t he gone back to court to sort custody etc if things are so bad ? Or is he just complaining

Please get your contraception sorted , these so called little accidents are sounding a deliberate way to control you

You should be having the time of your life now, being footloose and fancy free. If you manage to get out of this situation you will look back on it with horror. He isn’t your soulmate, there’s many more men out there who don’t have his baggage and will want to put you first, not kick you out at weekends.

I agree with PPs that you must be casually trying to conceive to have had two accidents already. Please reconsider your TTC attempts as you have many years ahead to do this, and doing it now will trap you in this horrid situation.

Please get your contraception sorted , these so called little accidents are sounding a deliberate way to control you

How did you figure that out?

He sounds like a spineless, selfish twat, but he's not managed to get her pregnant all on his own. Unless he's forcing her to have sex, which would be a whole other issue in itself.

OP wanting to get pregnant sounds far more plausible.

You’re wasting the best years of your life on this situation, OP. You won’t get them back. This is way too much bullshit and baggage for such a young woman to take on after such a short relationship. Get out!

He is really not thinking about you, you are just young and wanting things to work because you have invested so much in it.

This is toxic and dysfunctional. Don't chuck your future away on it.

Hi OP,

I'm not going to have a go about your age, I was/am in a similar situation.

I married at 25 to a 32 year old man with 2 DC from his exP (they were not married), similar ages to your DPs. And I will say that I am happy, it has worked out well for us.

BUT, it has not been easy. Children are hard work, children that aren't yours are even more of a struggle sometimes, then throw in an ex that likes to cause trouble and it's even harder still.

I was very fortunate that DPs ex is not a troublemaker. She is actually a very nice woman and really helped to build a bond with me and the kids by never speaking badly of me and being friendly etc... she made it easy for them and for me to adapt and form relationships.

It's STILL been tough, even without the ex issues. I don't regret it no, because I am happy with the way things turned out for us but I do believe that we tend to be the exception rather than the rule. It is not a decision I would make lightly again if I had to especially if the ex was also being difficult. I couldn't have coped with that and I definitely wouldn't still be here if I'd had to. There seems to be (on here anyway) far more examples of these types of relationships ending badly than the other way around.

Please do think about it. And definitely stop leaving your house in the meantime. Your DP can take the girls our somewhere if he isn't going to stand up to his ex, you shouldn't be forced out of your home.

I am 24, OH is 32. As cheesy as it sounds he is my soulmate, and I can’t imagine not being with him, everything is wonderful aside from this one problem, all caused by his ex.
He is very apologetic about the situation and says that she will be more comfortable about me being around the girls in due time - but I feel like at 18 months this should have already happened. I do feel slightly better knowing I’m not being unreasonable though!

There is more than one 'soulmate' out there. Preferably one without baggage
He can apologise all he likes but it's in his hands to fix it.
I bet his Ex is thrilled that she has every weekend free. I bet if he put his foot down she wouldn't be in a hurry to give that up.
Don't you dare leave your house because you've been told to!

I also think at that age its quite easy to allow yourself to be walked over. At 24 I likely would have done the same as you and dutifully left my house every weekend. Now I'd tell her to bugger off.

Stand up for yourself OP. And if that means leaving because your DP won't sort this out then you will thank yourself for it one day.

A bit harsh saying she is too young to be a step mum! Is there a minimum age requirement?!

Op - I have a similar situation. I won't go into it now. Its not quite as bad for me as I don't have to vacate my home and my OH kids are older.

This situation will never get better unless you express how you feel and your OH acts! The more you allow the more he will take. Then if you speak up it'll be all your fault!

The children absolutely have to come first but it sounds like the mum is using them as weapons. She has no right to control his life.

I'd be inclined to firstly see if maybe there is a compromise to be reached in the short term; see if you can at least be there for one of the days but put a time limit on it i.e. say you'll do that for 2 months and then need to review.

If that doesn't work/the ex stops the children seeing their father court is the only action. Trust me that courts take a VERY dim view of that situation. They will absolutely encourage that both parents take an active role. Unless of course there is any risk to the children. I am going through the court process myself with my children and I have a friend who has just done it (his ex took him to court to prevent access and it was basically laughed out).

He may well have to say to his ex 'this is how things are and if you don't like it, whilst I don't want to, I'll have to get this into court.'

His ex needs to learn that she cannot call the shots.

Regrettably exes say all sorts to their kids that they shouldn't and there is little either of you can do. All I do when I hear things is answer as best as I can with slating my ex. I have had to answer some very difficult questions and its not been fair on my children at all, but I cannot physically stop my ex saying what he does.

Best of luck - I do agree that if your OH won't come to the party you either need to accept it or leave.

So,So very many red flags. Don't chain yourself to this kind of life.

Pretty sure that the OP has gone now.

She's not too young to be a step mum necessarily - perhaps in some amicable set up where pleasant people accidentally conceived on a one night stand / short relationship and were both on the same page about going ahead with the pregnancy and co-parenting the child as friends but both absolutely uninterested in a relationship and happy to see the other parent in a healthy relationship with someone else... Then the 24 year old OP wouldn't necessarily be too young to be a stepmum to a toddler...

Too young to be a stepmum to a troubled and confused 8 year old (plus another child) ? Yes probably ...

To young to give up on anything better and resign herself to being part of her current weak, baggage laden, "crazy ex" story telling, boyfriend's endless family dramas though - absolutely!

You're 24. Take the dog and go. This won't get better. Trust me

You are making every mistake in the book. Settling too early, too young, with a man who is playing you like mad.

And you are thinking about children in this. I would put money on you being swept away by this charismatic man who for mysterious reasons happened to be available. I think you need to think how much you know him. And also, whether you know the real story. I don’t think you know very much, from the sounds of it.

I’m also positive that the 8 year old just wants her parents. That’s just normal, however nice you are.

@notthisshitagain OP has said they are using condoms only. I think the pp was implying that the partner may have tampered with the condoms, or is taking them off midway, etc. because if you use them well, condoms are very reliable and two oopses in 18 months would be very unusual.

It happens all too often sadly.

@rvby I see. I took it to mean condoms were the only option now. Perhaps you're right. But then OP said they won't be getting engaged, after saying they've been discussing marriage and she thinks he'll propose this year. So I guess I just think OP is winging it with her side of things of here, based on the responses she's had.

I say too young for this baggage, which involves being a SM. You don't need the headache and hassle of someone else's kids. You don't need to settle for a man who has had his experiences of being a first time dad with another woman, when you are that young.

If you're late 30s...then yes...I could see why...but not when you have time and many fertile years ahead of you.

@Carlyclc this is your future right here

Here is an indication of what it will look like

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3807947-we-were-pushed-out-of-our-own-house-by-teenagers