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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drunken husband, what to do?

133 replies

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 08:03

Been with dh 10 years, 2 young dc. He's a drinker. Not in the week at all, but drinks big when he goes out and couldn't imagine a weekend with at least a few beers. When he goes out with friends, which is a few times a month, it's getting to the late early hours when he's getting in trashed. Last week was a mid week drink with a friend and he came in wrecked at 2 or 3 and had to work next day and take kids to school early. A few afternoon drinks saw him trashing our wedding anniversary last year. Another time we were lucky enough to have tickets to a really special event but it had a free bar and he ruined the night etc etc. He gets carried away and can't stop drinking.

On weekends when he does just have a couple of cans, he is slurring and I can't bear it. He won't get help. He says he will to pacify me, but deep down he thinks I'm just a nag.

So last night he was privileged to go to a special work event with a free bar. He's just rolled in after I started texting him at 4am. He fell asleep in his mate's hotel room. WTF. Really? Dodgy as fuck. It's the anniversary of my mum's death and I really need a nice gentle supportive day. This is the end isn't it? Ive had years of this. Hes in a stressful management role, great with kids and around house, generous with money, we make each other laugh, but he's completely trashing my life isn't he? Alcohol will always come before me won't it?

My dilemma is that he earns so much more than me and we're preparing to move out of our dangerous, crime ridden area. Do I carry on with that plan first? If we split now, me and the dc will be stuck here for ever. I'm so upset. I couldn't get a mortgage by myself but could maybe in a few years. I don't even know the point of this message.

OP posts:
Eesha · 25/01/2020 08:08

My ex is an alcoholic, yes drink will always come first. Why not make a long term plan to leave. We split two years back, I thought the shock would make him change. It never did. If you have a great relationship otherwise, have the chat with him after you have worked out a get out plan. Then see what he says about changing.

category12 · 25/01/2020 08:24

If you split after you move, you are not guaranteed to be able to stay in the house. So I wouldn't factor that in.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 08:30

But at least we'd be settled in a new area, and the hard part will be done.

OP posts:
Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 08:32

I just can't believe he'd do this to me today of all days.

And the hotel room thing: is he cheating now??

I told him not to come home, i left my key in the door to stop him, but he still got in somehow.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/01/2020 08:38

I have a BIL like that. His wife left him 2 years ago, after 30+ years together.

He is busy drinking himself to death. Hospitalised two maybe three times since Christmas... no intention to stop drinking.

All you can do is what is best for you. You cannot change an alcoholic, they have to do that themselves.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 08:44

He doesn't think he's an alcoholic, though. His whole family are. But I'll be the bad one.

OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2020 09:13

I would have a further conversation with him about it. Not today when he is hungover, put possibly Sunday. A dear friend of mine is going through similar - I feel for you op.

I don't know how extensive your previous conversations have been but you need to lay it on the line and be prepared to follow through and leave. Like you, I woukd wait until after the move when you have found your feet in a new area.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 09:23

Thank you. I've just tried to speak to him. Mainly cos of the waking up in a hotel room thing. He gave me a different friend's name this time. He then started shouting at me that i was out of order for shouting at him. He's completely pissed. Being aggressive. He thinks he's going to sleep all morning then go to the football.

I was hoping for a cup of tea, a cuddle and may be some flowers, but I don't feature at all. I'm left dealing with his poor choices and behaviour again.

I don't think I can wait. I just want to get the kids and go.

OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2020 09:25

In which case, do just that op.

I imagine he can't actually remember what happened, hence the extra aggression?

Do you have somewhere to go? Family or friends close by?

BigFatLiar · 25/01/2020 09:30

I doubt its an other woman, the other woman in this relationship is booze. He won't change unless he really wants to and its a tough thing to stick to.

Also
Last week was a mid week drink with a friend and he came in wrecked at 2 or 3 and had to work next day and take kids to school early.
If he took the kids in the car you must remember he'd be drunk in the morning while driving them to school.

SalitaeDiscesa · 25/01/2020 09:31

Daughter of an alcoholic here. Time to show the kids that they are more important to you than he is. He must have taken them to school still drunk. They will know much, much more than you think. Horrible for them to grow up like this. I still have nightmares and I'm 63 and have had lots of therapy.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 09:31

Nobody and nowhere. I want to go far away. I've messaged his parents to take him in. I'll get in trouble for that but I need support.

OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2020 09:44

OP, do you need to stay in the area due to work and/or kids' childcare or schooling?

You said nobody and nowhere - is there anyone IRL you can call and talk to?

If you have a good relationship with his parents, they will help. You have done nothing wrong, you won't be in "trouble".

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2020 09:45

As if you need to stay then pack him a bag of essentials and tell him to get out. He can go and stay in a hotel - it appears he can afford this.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 09:48

His parents are not supportive of me. It's very much head in sand where sons are concerned. I need to pull kids out of school and just go. They're young enough, they'll recover from any missed time. I have a low paid tto job. Just got to think of how to do it.

I've just asked him to go but he won't. We don't have lots of money.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 25/01/2020 09:55

He sounds like an utter shit, you do right to take the kids and get the hell out of there.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2020 10:02

Take a bit of time and come up with a plan. Can you take the kids out today just for a bit of space and to clear your head?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2020 10:03

Seek legal advice asap and start divorce proceedings against him.

Such men too often refuse to leave willingly; he has a nice cushy life with you enabling him as you have done to date and he won't want to give that up.

You have been and are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Your own recovery from this will only properly start once you have left this alcoholic. This has harmed you all immensely and this will all take you now years to recover from.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2020 10:05

His parents are probably only glad that you've taken their alcoholic son off their hands. You cannot ever count on them to help you and their loyalty too is to their son.

Where are your family here; can they help?.

Strongmummy · 25/01/2020 10:09

Also daughter of an alcoholic. Leave. Now. Put you and your children first. It is a horrible disease which makes him miserable (I guarantee it) and will continue to make you and your children miserable. The aftermath on your kids is awful (I speak from experience obviously).

Rest assured he loves you and them, but he has an addiction that he’s not acknowledging and often love just isn’t enough.

Strongmummy · 25/01/2020 10:11

I also doubt it’s another woman.

Mary1935 · 25/01/2020 10:13

Have a look at Entitled to - for benefits entitlements. You maybe entitled to tax credits. You may get some housing benefit. He will need to pay you maintainace. It all depends on what he earns.
Start gathering information. His salary, monthly pay, savings investments _ get property valued.
Maybe start gathering things together, valuable documents, start secretly packing.
He maybe an arse when you go and not let you back in.
If he’s abusive call the police.
He’s not a good husband or father. I too grew up in an alcoholic home - it leaves lasting damage.
Tell family and friends.
He may need to hit rock bottom before he sees the light.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 11:01

I've told both sets of parents. No response. Kids crying. What a shit day.

OP posts:
Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 11:02

He'll be fuming.

OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2020 11:38

Are your parents supportive of you op, generally?

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