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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drunken husband, what to do?

133 replies

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 08:03

Been with dh 10 years, 2 young dc. He's a drinker. Not in the week at all, but drinks big when he goes out and couldn't imagine a weekend with at least a few beers. When he goes out with friends, which is a few times a month, it's getting to the late early hours when he's getting in trashed. Last week was a mid week drink with a friend and he came in wrecked at 2 or 3 and had to work next day and take kids to school early. A few afternoon drinks saw him trashing our wedding anniversary last year. Another time we were lucky enough to have tickets to a really special event but it had a free bar and he ruined the night etc etc. He gets carried away and can't stop drinking.

On weekends when he does just have a couple of cans, he is slurring and I can't bear it. He won't get help. He says he will to pacify me, but deep down he thinks I'm just a nag.

So last night he was privileged to go to a special work event with a free bar. He's just rolled in after I started texting him at 4am. He fell asleep in his mate's hotel room. WTF. Really? Dodgy as fuck. It's the anniversary of my mum's death and I really need a nice gentle supportive day. This is the end isn't it? Ive had years of this. Hes in a stressful management role, great with kids and around house, generous with money, we make each other laugh, but he's completely trashing my life isn't he? Alcohol will always come before me won't it?

My dilemma is that he earns so much more than me and we're preparing to move out of our dangerous, crime ridden area. Do I carry on with that plan first? If we split now, me and the dc will be stuck here for ever. I'm so upset. I couldn't get a mortgage by myself but could maybe in a few years. I don't even know the point of this message.

OP posts:
CinderEmma · 25/01/2020 11:43

🙁 do you have any friends you can stay with?

Zofloramummy · 25/01/2020 11:44

Can you go to your dad? So sorry on what must be an already difficult day for you. What would your mum have thought of his behaviour? His primary concern seems to be himself and his relationship with alcohol, sadly that means you and your dc are not a priority. He is being aggressive because your questioning of his drinking makes him defensive. Somewhere deep inside he knows he is wrong but rather than face that it’s easier to shout and blame you. Flowers

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 12:12

Thanks everyone. I'm in a right state. He's gone out for the day. Probably all day drinking at the footie.

It's just so upsetting to see a whole family's life wasted due to one person. I've worked so fucking hard on our family and home. I've put everything in place for an amazing future and it was all built on lies.

I can't bear to see my future dreams all washed away cos of one person's selfishness.

I'm supposed to be seeing a friend tonight but my face is a complete mess.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 25/01/2020 12:17

You can still have a wonderful future being a brilliant mum and have a lovely home. Just without the 4am texts, the stress and the arguments. He has a choice, his family or the booze. Right now I suspect he’ll choose the booze. Life throws us challenges and some of them turn our world upside down but I hope you realise how much more peaceful your life would be without him.

Is it a close friend? I’d go anyway (if he isn’t too drunk to mind the kids) and talk to someone in irl. Hopefully she won’t just say all men are like that because they really aren’t! You know yourself he’s no support to you, he’s a drain on your emotional resources, mental well-being and finances.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 12:23

Thank you for being so kind. I will go out but not sure how successful it will be.

I'm so scared of having no money and the lower quality lived the kids will now have, when we were supposed to be making this amazing move to better their life chances.

He's probably gone out drinking. Says it all. Didn't expect this today which probably makes me very naive.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 25/01/2020 12:38

I don't know why you would want a cuddle with someone who stinks of booze. However I was very friendly with a couple years ago in which the husband was an alcoholic. He functioned, went to work (had a good job), but when work was finished he started drinking. He did that for years and years. It caused a lot of hardship because, although he earned well, he was always broke. A bottle of whiskey every day is not cheap. She had a decent job and was good at managing money but it wasn't easy. He was a difficult man, quite emotional, he also had affairs, half the time didn't know where he'd been and with whom.

After a very long time she made him leave and she stayed in their house. By that time their children were grown.

She continued to support him emotionally, was a really good friend to him for the rest of his life. He died in his fifties, she'd been with him since they were teenagers, married at 18 and 20. However her life would have been better had she felt able to remove him from their home earlier.

Your husband is behaving badly and deep down, he knows it. I wouldn't blame you one bit for moving to a better area and then splitting from him. You're entitled to something out of this relationship. Get your ducks in a row of course, make sure you are clear on the legal position but do move, it's important for your children to live in a decent, relatively safe area.

I know you care about him, that isn't going to go away but the time has come for you to put yourself and your children first. You don't have much of a life at the moment. Who knows, the shock of losing you could result in him making an effort to change but that is for the future.

Flowers
Opentooffers · 25/01/2020 12:40

If he's slurring his words after 2 cans on a weekend, I'd say its a fair bet that he's already had other alcoholic drinks that you don't know about prior to this. What you know about could just be the tip of the iceberg. If you can stay over at friend or families house tonight with your kids, thus ensuring he comes home to an empty house, that should give a loud message that you are serious. The ball is then in his court, if he is unwilling to admit there is a problem you then need to discuss with a solicitor and plan your exit.

letmebefrank · 25/01/2020 12:45

He's an alcoholic who won't acknowledge he's an alcoholic.

You were never going out with your friends tonight; he was drunk when he crawled in, and he's hammered again already most likely and you can't leave them with him.

How'd he get in?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 25/01/2020 13:02

that should give a loud message that you are serious.

He won't care. He will just carry on drinking and be happy no one is giving him a hard time about it. After the weekend he may start being contrite and making elaborate promises to change till next weekend. I was married to an alcoholic for eight years. Nothing ever changed no matter what I threatened or he promised. He destroyed my mental health. I have never properly recovered.

As a previous poster said don't expect help from his parents they were probably relieved you took him on and won't want to have to deal with him again. My ex in-laws were terrified of him becoming their problem again and were very hostile to me about me leaving him.

I'd make my plans and get out of the area as you've said you want to. Don't be too hasty. Salvage what you can, get copies of everything. Start saving money. Get what you need out of it. No amount of ultimatums is going to change anything so you need to be clinical about this. Easier said than done I know. I'm sorry you're going through this. The damage an alcoholic causes in a family home is indescribable. People cannot understand until they've lived it.

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 14:54

Thanks. I've got a bit of support now. Just need him to stay away from the family home to allow me and the dc to adjust. It's definitely over. I'm done in. His family will have to take some of the financial burden if it comes to it. He's their problem.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 25/01/2020 15:03

If he rings you or tries to get in touch,

do not shout at him. Alcoholics actually feel extremely ashamed.

Talk to him very gently about if he wants to get back in control, there is a drug he can take to only have one or two drinks. So he is still with his mates, still uses alcohol but it doesn't take over.

You get it on prescription from the GP.
It is called Naltrexone
He takes it an hour before he goes out.
It has a 75% success rate

Google The Sinclair Method.

Its a disease. I don't think people have to lose everything and hit 'rock bottom', and the people who love them lose their families, I really don't.

Good luck, OP, I hope he is in a position to hear you x

StLucia4 · 25/01/2020 15:17

Daughter of a drinker, whose father became tea total aged 40 after my mother threatened to leave him.
They stayed together but he was still a twat. We hate him. Mum passed and he’s still a tee totaller. It’s too late. The damage is done.
Leave him now. Take the kids. Get out and see if you can be housed elsewhere.
It’s no life for children to grow up in.
How old are yr children?

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 15:17

He doesn't want to stop, we've spoken before.

I'm so angry and upset. I've told him to fuck off and die. I hate him.

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 25/01/2020 15:26

I have been where you are. He is an alcoholic if his alcohol is a problem to others, which it is.
He is in denial. So you are doing absolutely the right thing

notapizzaeater · 25/01/2020 15:35

You are doing the right thing, have any of the of the parents responded yet ? What time does he normally come home ? Have you someone with you to help ?

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 15:54

My parent 100% supportive. More than expected. His have messaged and have the dc. He is out drinking. I'll be out when he comes back. I'm hoping he'll leave when I get back in.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 25/01/2020 16:12

Sorry to hear this. I am an exalcoholic in recovery. Your husband will never stop unless He Wants it. Us Alcoholics are selfish liars. Plz don't let him drag you down. Don't let him b destroy your life. Get help via Al Anon your doing fantastic x

Zofloramummy · 25/01/2020 16:16

He’ll be passed out asleep or still out drinking when you get back probably. He isn’t hearing you, it the seriousness of what you are saying at all.

Mix56 · 25/01/2020 16:20

He will probably make lots of promises.
Say "fine, when you have been to GP, AA & can prove you are dry, I will see how I feel then."
He needs to prove he wants to stop, & he won't do it at home

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 16:39

Thanks. He's been to gp. He was told his drinking was fine as he wasn't drinking every day. His liver function test was fine so that gave him the green light really.

I'm just so sad for us all.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 25/01/2020 16:42

Here supporting Flowers

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I hope you manage to have a nice night with your friend.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/01/2020 16:43

If you stay with him for the financial benefits you will be telling your children "Money is more important than self-respect. Money is more important than happiness."

If one of your dc were in a marriage with a person like this, would you say "Stay" or "Take the children and go"? Take your own advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2020 16:45

I would not believe a single word that is uttered by him re the general practitioner. Your h continues to lie to his own self as well as all others around him.

Do everything possible now to get this man out of your day to day lives. Seek legal advice ASAP re divorce proceedings.

You can only help your own self ultimately and attending al-anon meetings would be helpful to you as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2020 16:49

Don’t feel just sad, make firm plans to leave this man before you all get further dragged down by him. You really need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

Read also about alcoholism and codependency. You are also playing out the usual roles associated with such people, namely enabler, provoker (because you never forget) and codependent partner.

Zofloramummy · 25/01/2020 16:54

It’s actually worse to binge drink than to drink a small amount nightly. The liver is a tough old organ, it copes with a lot of abuse until it shows outwards signs of malfunction. If your lucky it’s fatty liver if your not it fibrous damage and you can’t reverse that by ceasing to drink. It’s a roulette wheel and many people are absolutely fine, until they aren’t and then it’s too late.