Drunken husband, what to do?

[Sameold2020]

Been with dh 10 years, 2 young dc. He's a drinker. Not in the week at all, but drinks big when he goes out and couldn't imagine a weekend with at least a few beers. When he goes out with friends, which is a few times a month, it's getting to the late early hours when he's getting in trashed. Last week was a mid week drink with a friend and he came in wrecked at 2 or 3 and had to work next day and take kids to school early. A few afternoon drinks saw him trashing our wedding anniversary last year. Another time we were lucky enough to have tickets to a really special event but it had a free bar and he ruined the night etc etc. He gets carried away and can't stop drinking.

On weekends when he does just have a couple of cans, he is slurring and I can't bear it. He won't get help. He says he will to pacify me, but deep down he thinks I'm just a nag.

So last night he was privileged to go to a special work event with a free bar. He's just rolled in after I started texting him at 4am. He fell asleep in his mate's hotel room. WTF. Really? Dodgy as fuck. It's the anniversary of my mum's death and I really need a nice gentle supportive day. This is the end isn't it? Ive had years of this. Hes in a stressful management role, great with kids and around house, generous with money, we make each other laugh, but he's completely trashing my life isn't he? Alcohol will always come before me won't it?

My dilemma is that he earns so much more than me and we're preparing to move out of our dangerous, crime ridden area. Do I carry on with that plan first? If we split now, me and the dc will be stuck here for ever. I'm so upset. I couldn't get a mortgage by myself but could maybe in a few years. I don't even know the point of this message.

It’s not it

I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband is the same. Sober through the week but a heavy drinker at weekends to the point where he's non responsive and will just drink (for days on end if on holidays). It's a horrible situation to be in. Just like your husband, mine has been to see the GP and to AA on my request. AA is not for him as he can stop drinking and stay sober if he wants to do he's not an alcoholic and GP said that his drinking isn't an issue. No idea what he actually told the GP but I'm pretty sure if he knew the full extent he wouldn't have said that. So bear that in mind. He is most likely not telling you the truth. Do make plans to leave. If you can move first, then do that. I've told my husband that our marriage is over but as long as he can control his drinking around the DC he can stay living in the family home but we will holiday without him and if he's going to be off work for more than a couple of days he has to go live elsewhere. So far it is working. I'm still planning to get out but this is giving me the opportunity to get myself sorted and our eldest DC into the local primary school.
You deserve so much better than this.

Please go to al anon, they support families of drinkers. You will find it really helpful I promise .

@Marmadukedukeduke sorry to hear that. It does sound similar. Yes all the holiday drinking too. Ruins everything. Especially now with the repetitive conversations and the slurring. He is not good company for me.

I just have to take one day at a time. The kids are really upset so I've got to take it slow and not change too much at once.

I know other wives put up with worse but he really is wasting my life away. All this bullshit about moving: yeah when you're sober. Pipe dreams.

I got drawn to this thread as my dad has a drink problem. Always has done since me and my sister were children. I am 26 now and it all came to a head a couple of years ago.

After years and years of my dad drinking, my mum had finally had enough. She begged, pleaded, tried to get him help for years and years, and as soon as me and my sister were old enough to be aware of his drinking, we also pleaded for him to stop. He was the same as your partner, but as the years went on he started to get angry when drunk too (although never abusive) so it was often a really negative place to be and my sister suffered a lot of anxiety over it. My mum would take us to dance classes and we would begin to expect dad to be drunk on the evening when we got home. We learnt just to sit quietly rather than argue with him about it as if not it would end with someone being upset. One year he was so drunk he peed on presents under the Christmas tree when we had all gone to bed. On social occasions he didn't know when to stop.

Anyway, as I said it all came to a head a couple of years ago when my mum cheated on him. For years he had stopped putting her first, paying her attention, wanting to go places (he was too busy wanting to have a drink). So I understand why she did it, but it was awful especially because my sister was still at home in this time and there were constant arguments.

Eventually, mum left as my dad refused to leave the house. He now has to buy her out (they had no mortgage). She now rents a place.
Since being young, we always begged mum to leave as we couldn't live with his drinking, we couldn't even have a proper conversation with him on a weekend because he was drunk. If we ever needed picking up or if there was an emergency on an evening we couldn't call dad to pick us up as he would have had a drink (mum doesn't drive). She would always say 'when you two are older and you're both okay..when you're at high school, college, finished uni, moved out...' then I will leave. This whole time she had to live an unhappy life. She felt she could never afford it on her own, she had always put us first in making sure we were in a secure place financially with my dad, he was the breadwinner in the family. But this whole time we lived with unhappy parents and often an environment that created anxiety due to the drinking. It was sad to see and it came to a sad ending.

A drinker if not accepting their issues, will always be a drinker. Please put yourself and your happiness first, put your children and their happiness first. It's difficult, but see what help is out there for you.

Forgot to add, take a look at SMART Recovery UK - they have support for loved ones living with alcoholics/problem drinkers.
I believe they have an online chat on set days too. I discovered this a little too late but may be useful for you.

@Sameold2020 I've told him once when he was sober how incredibly lonely I feel but I don't think he gets it or cares. It's a shit existence for both you and the DC. Do get some support. I have two amazing friends who are super supportive and that really helps. Try and take control back of your life. I've started to be really selfish and put myself and the DC first which felt weird at first but it's made everything a lot better.

He is being reckless and selfish. I agree that drink is the ‘other woman’ but by drinking like this he is putting himself into situations which will only damage your relationship.

I know it’s hard but I think he needs a short, sharp message to shock him. Will he go if you pack his bags? Or can you and the kids go to your dads for a bit for him to see what he’s about to lose? X

Yes OP some wives have it worse but don’t fall down that trap. You get to set your own boundaries. My DH rarely drinks and it’s one thing we have in common. If you want to be with a non drinker then you get to say that’s what you want. This is your life. Don’t let somebody drink it away.

@StellaDelmare such a heartbreaking post. I recall when I was young, my dad being sick in the bathroom sink. I was worried and asked if was ok. He said he’d eaten something dodgy. His parents were visiting in the living room. My mum was silently angry. She never said a word. I realise now he was pissed. A drunk. He destroyed my mother’s life. He wouldn’t let him leave her. He’s still alive probably due to being tea total for the last 40 years. I despise his very being. He ruined our childhood.

Please leave. Don’t let this happen to you. Give yourself and your children a chance to live a calmer life without worrying what state he’s going to turn up in. Especially if he’s a nasty drunk. My heart aches for ppl in this situation. Alcoholics can really destroy the lives of loved ones all around them.

Alcoholics will lie. To everyone, and about everything. Mine lied to all his health professionals about how much and how often. Until the night His I took him to A&E, he told the usual lie about 'a couple of drinks daily' and I straight out told the doctor that no, he was drinking at least 90 units a week that I knew of, and probably more. Then it was suddenly not OK.

It didn't change anything for him; it did however give me permission from myself to not put up with the lies. His drinking ended our marriage and it ended his life at the age of 58. My DDs and I are so much happier without him in our lives.

And if he's slurring after a couple of cans on a weekend, he is definitely drinking from a hidden stash.

Thanks everyone, all the support means so much. I'm going out now so will reply tomorrow.

@StellaDelMare thank you for sharing. Im sorry it was so awful. My kids are still young and think daddy is amazing. He is more fun than me definitely. Majes it harder cos they dont understand. Although interestingly they wouldn't go downstairs this morning when he was crashed on sofa.

@Sameold2020

If you ever need to talk feel free to message. I thought I'd put across the perspective of someone having to grow up with this. It could be seen as a blessing your kids are still young.

Stay strong, don't put up with less than you deserve.

They do understand on some level that things between you and dad are not good and they also see you both unhappy and preoccupied.

They know more than you think or want to believe they do. Please take decisive steps to get this man out of yours and their every day lives. Read too about adult children of alcoholics and their characteristics, you really do not want to leave this to them as their legacy.

So he's planning on never drinking again and is going to AA. He's also staying with family. What do we think?

I think that's great news... If he can stick to it. Big if.

Tell him to let you know when he's done 6 months sober (with no commitment from you that you'll definitely take him back) and you'll reassess where you're both at then.

AA can be a long road. He needs to stay away and you need to stay separated until he can show you he can be clean for a significant period of time.

I have a relative who was very much like your DH. Not a daily drinker, but a ‘good time’ boozer with no off button. The drinking slowly destroyed his life. He started AA and fell off the wagon several times - infact, many times after 90 days clean and then once after 12 months clean. Finally, 5 years after starting AA, he can say he has been clean for 2 years and his life is starting to come back together.

I think it's a positive start which offers some hope, but it is going to take time for both of you to recover. He absolutely must do something like AA or other support, otherwise he will just end up an alcoholic who doesn't happen to be drinking.

He needs at least 6 months and preferably a year sober before you can consider restoring family life.

Well he needs to stay with his parents and attend AA and you'll revisit things in a few months when he's proved himself to be clean and sober. If you let him back home this week/next week/in a month you won't know that he is serious about this.

As others have said.
It's good steps he is taking.
Did he come to this realisation on his own?
He does need to stay away.
Once he's been sober for 6 months you can rethink things.
Don't allow him back.
He will revert right back to drinking as the environment hasn't changed.
You enabling won't have changed.
And he's basically would have had no consequences to his actions.
You are doing great.
Get in touch with Al-anon and get some support for yourself.
See how serious he really is.
When is his AA meeting?
Is he prepared to stay away and stay sober for 6 months?
If not then it's all bullshit and lip service.

you should have no contact with him now.

Your main priority is you and your own recovery from his alcoholism, that process starts now. Put your own self and kids first, not him.

Thanks. He's been to gp. He was told his drinking was fine as he wasn't drinking every day. His liver function test was fine so that gave him the green light really.

Do you know that for a fact, or is that just what he told you? Alcoholics are habitual liars, especially to themselves and you said he refuses to accept he has a problem.

So he's planning on never drinking again and is going to AA. He's also staying with family. What do we think?
The proof is in the pudding.

Please do get in touch with al-anon and their family support groups.

So he's planning on never drinking again and is going to AA. He's also staying with family. What do we think?

I think you'll get about six weeks, if that, maybe some 0% alcohol beer because he "just likes the taste..." and then you'll be back here.

I hope I am proved wrong but I don't think I will be.

I say actions speak louder than words OP

In your shoes I'd still ask him to leave, or you leave with the dc and set up a nice quiet stable home for them. If he's serious about it he'll get support, attend AA and get himself sorted. He doesn't need to live with you or the dc to do that. If he's still sober, doing and saying the right things in 12 months then maybe, if YOU want to, you could try again