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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drunken husband, what to do?

133 replies

Sameold2020 · 25/01/2020 08:03

Been with dh 10 years, 2 young dc. He's a drinker. Not in the week at all, but drinks big when he goes out and couldn't imagine a weekend with at least a few beers. When he goes out with friends, which is a few times a month, it's getting to the late early hours when he's getting in trashed. Last week was a mid week drink with a friend and he came in wrecked at 2 or 3 and had to work next day and take kids to school early. A few afternoon drinks saw him trashing our wedding anniversary last year. Another time we were lucky enough to have tickets to a really special event but it had a free bar and he ruined the night etc etc. He gets carried away and can't stop drinking.

On weekends when he does just have a couple of cans, he is slurring and I can't bear it. He won't get help. He says he will to pacify me, but deep down he thinks I'm just a nag.

So last night he was privileged to go to a special work event with a free bar. He's just rolled in after I started texting him at 4am. He fell asleep in his mate's hotel room. WTF. Really? Dodgy as fuck. It's the anniversary of my mum's death and I really need a nice gentle supportive day. This is the end isn't it? Ive had years of this. Hes in a stressful management role, great with kids and around house, generous with money, we make each other laugh, but he's completely trashing my life isn't he? Alcohol will always come before me won't it?

My dilemma is that he earns so much more than me and we're preparing to move out of our dangerous, crime ridden area. Do I carry on with that plan first? If we split now, me and the dc will be stuck here for ever. I'm so upset. I couldn't get a mortgage by myself but could maybe in a few years. I don't even know the point of this message.

OP posts:
Marmadukedukeduke · 28/01/2020 17:25

As pp have said, leave him staying where he is for at least six months and let him prove to you that he's serious. My husband went to AA once decided it wasn't for him, stopped drinking for six weeks and then started again. You need to put yourself and your DC first. I really hope it works out for you.

Fleetheart · 28/01/2020 18:15

I'm with the others. Get him to move out, he can concentrate on his recovery, and you can concentrate on yours. After 6 months you can see how things are. If they are going to work then 6 months is nothing

Fleetheart · 28/01/2020 18:17

Recovery is not an overnight process for anyone. It means relearning old patterns. For you it will mean giving him responsibility for sticking to agreed boundaries.

Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 18:17

These responses are what I feared. It's untenable for him to stay with parents for so long. He's already asking to come back. I'm struggling on my own with a new job and young dc.

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Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 18:18

He's been to one meeting and got a lot from it. Next one tomorrow. He's given up for 6 months before.

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Fleetheart · 28/01/2020 18:20

Not being funny but you will struggle a lot more if he is back and drinking. Again I speak from experience. Presumably his parents are there and he can have the kids some of the time?

Thedeadwood · 28/01/2020 18:25

OP he’s been to one meeting. ONE!!! And it’s only been 3 days since the shit hit the fan. Can he really not stay with his parents or elsewhere for at least a little longer?

Bodear · 28/01/2020 18:26

I’m a sober alcoholic OP.

Only you can decide if it’s worth the gamble OP but bear in mind that even if he stays sober it won’t be easy. He will change/ he’ll struggle/ he’ll (have to) put sobriety before you and the kids. It won’t suddenly become everything you want it to be. Of course he might keep drinking and lie about it.

Please go to al-anon and get some support from them.

Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 18:38

Ok thank you.

OP posts:
Bodear · 28/01/2020 18:43

Are you ok OP?

Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 18:57

No cos I'm getting all shit from him cos he wanted to come back. I don't know what's right.

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Thedeadwood · 28/01/2020 19:06

Honestly, the fact that he’s giving you shit rather than grovelling and apologising should tell you everything you need to know. He’s not really sorry and your feelings and well being are not his priority.

I’m sorry, believe me, I know it hurts and it’s hard. None of these decisions are easy. Please please reach out to al-anon for support and maybe they can help guide you.

pointythings · 28/01/2020 19:07

If he were serious about wanting to change, he would respect your boundaries. He isn't doing that. I understand the practical issues around not having him at home - God knows it took me almost 4 months to get my H out and into his own flat and that was with a lot of hand holding because he had forgotten how to adult - but having him home will send the message that you don't mean any of this.

Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 19:10

Yes, I can already see that it's all about him.

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Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 19:15

He's all hurt and angry that I'm not supporting him through this. Can we all live on tenterhooks that he might drink again? Etc.

OP posts:
pointythings · 28/01/2020 19:23

He doesn't understand that he is the one who has to do all the hard work. He doesn't understand, or can't, that his drinking has had a massive adverse effect on you. As you say, it's all about him - that's the selfishness of the addict.

And you are supporting him - because you have not yet initiated divorce. Because you are giving him a chance to change. That's all the support he's going to get from you.

It sounds to me as if you have some pretty damn healthy boundaries in place and he doesn't like it. Don't let them crumble. Please if you possibly can find a support group for yourself - there are online ones. They will help when you start doubting yourself in the face of his sulking and blaming.

Meanwhile you are allowed to be honest with him, as long as you do it politely. Yes, you are worried that he will drink again if you have him home. No, you cannot face being on tenterhooks all the time because it is an awful, sick-making feeling. You have a right to say these things to him.

pointythings · 28/01/2020 19:23

Also if you want to pm me, please feel free to do so.

Drum2018 · 28/01/2020 19:23

Don't let him back. He's going to go though the wars trying to stay off drink and you and the kids do not need to put up with that. You do not have to support him through it by having him at home. You can be supportive in other ways. You can find out meeting times in other areas and give him information. You can encourage a visit to his gp and offer to go with him. Those are small ways to be supportive without actually having him acting like a bear at home. I'd say he's not even serious as he's pushing blame on you now and trying to make you feel guilty - but it's all on him. Remember that. This is his battle to fight. You cannot do it for him. Whatever happens do not get back together now. He needs to prove that he's working very hard to stay on the road to recovery.

MadeForThis · 28/01/2020 19:53

He's still not putting you or the dc first. HE wants to come home. HE feels sorry for himself. HE'S going through a lot.

He needs to stay away for a while. Months before he can prove to himself that he can change.

At the minute he's just talking the talk.

Thedeadwood · 28/01/2020 19:54

Sameold, do you actually know he even went to an AA meeting or again, is it just his word for it?

Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 19:55

Thank you. We've gone from grovelling and tears to getting bitter with me within a matter of days. I haven't got the energy for this. The dc need so much looking after, work is mental, we have no spare cash. I think he'll try to make things hard for me now, so that I struggle alone and need him back.

OP posts:
Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 19:57

Yes he definitely went. Told me all about it, had the literature. Got someone's number. Found it valuable but terrifying. I wonder if he just did it for me though.

OP posts:
Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 19:59

Bow he tells me hes a problem drinker and not an alcoholic. Does it matter?? Its still made me miserable for years.

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Thepushover · 28/01/2020 20:04

It doesn’t matter if he is a problem drinker or an alcoholic the merry go round of them getting drunk and you getting pissed off and then promising to change, you having hope and then nothing changing is really damaging.

I find anyone being even tipsy around me difficult as it reminds me of all the uncertainty and worry with my H.

Sameold2020 · 28/01/2020 20:11

So what am I actually doing here? Am I punishing him? Am I learning to live alone? Giving him chance to work on his demons? What's the desired outcome of the separation?

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