Drunken husband, what to do?

[Sameold2020]

Been with dh 10 years, 2 young dc. He's a drinker. Not in the week at all, but drinks big when he goes out and couldn't imagine a weekend with at least a few beers. When he goes out with friends, which is a few times a month, it's getting to the late early hours when he's getting in trashed. Last week was a mid week drink with a friend and he came in wrecked at 2 or 3 and had to work next day and take kids to school early. A few afternoon drinks saw him trashing our wedding anniversary last year. Another time we were lucky enough to have tickets to a really special event but it had a free bar and he ruined the night etc etc. He gets carried away and can't stop drinking.

On weekends when he does just have a couple of cans, he is slurring and I can't bear it. He won't get help. He says he will to pacify me, but deep down he thinks I'm just a nag.

So last night he was privileged to go to a special work event with a free bar. He's just rolled in after I started texting him at 4am. He fell asleep in his mate's hotel room. WTF. Really? Dodgy as fuck. It's the anniversary of my mum's death and I really need a nice gentle supportive day. This is the end isn't it? Ive had years of this. Hes in a stressful management role, great with kids and around house, generous with money, we make each other laugh, but he's completely trashing my life isn't he? Alcohol will always come before me won't it?

My dilemma is that he earns so much more than me and we're preparing to move out of our dangerous, crime ridden area. Do I carry on with that plan first? If we split now, me and the dc will be stuck here for ever. I'm so upset. I couldn't get a mortgage by myself but could maybe in a few years. I don't even know the point of this message.

Doesn't matter, though of course alcoholics always seek to minimise. Look at the behaviour not the label.

Bear in mind that the stories of overcoming addiction, though powerful and inspirational, are not the full picture. There are so many who can't overcome. There may be no happy ending for you (with him).

So put yourself and the children first.

It is now up to him. You can't do it for him. It is what he DOES that matters, not what he says. Be wary. He is already off to a bad start.

You can do this, you must not let him back, how long has he been out ? a few days, its simply laughable.
You will need to go to the CAB a get info. Say he has left, get as much financial help as possible, tell them at work, you may get help there too. this is not Your shame
Call in family & friends? It will take time but you will get organized.
You do not need him, what did he actually physically do?
If he starts trying to financially blackmail you it says it all really doesn't it ?

I would also suggest that you look into codependency. You are trying yourself in knots about what he wants.

Reframe the questions you ask: what do YOU want? What does your ideal life look like? You will have become so accustomed to putting him first all the time. This is your life too. You are not playing the supporting role to his life.

crossed posts,
The desired outcome, is for him to face the reality of his addiction, which he cannot/would not do at home with you enabling him

Your outcome is a happy life for you and your dc. It's his demons to work out. You're exhausted from 'trying' for so long. It's up to him now. You can't and shouldn't fix him.

The label doesn't matter. What matters is that he needs to accept that he has made you miserable with his drinking - whatever the label that's put on it. One of the diagnostic criteria for alcohol addiction is whether it affects family life - big fat tick in that box...

Don't let him guilt you into letting him back home to carry on as before. Because that's what he's after.

OP, the three C’s are the cornerstone of your process here.

You didn’t cause this.
You can’t control this.
You can’t cure this.

The problems he has with alcohol are his and his alone to try and solve. Your job is to protect yourself and your children.

My cousin married an alcoholic when they were 20. He didn't know and at first thought she liked a drink to be sociable at weekends. She didn't drink during the week. They struggled to conceive and he began to find alcohol around the house.
Then she became pregnant. He never saw her drink during the pregnancy. Their son was born and it became evident he had some kind of special needs - later diagnosed as FAS. Her drinking became heavier again. They went on holiday with my aunt and uncle who were shocked by her drinking; it was so often and so heavy.
Over the next 10 years she slid into fell-blown alcoholism. There were denials, promises to stop, visits to the GP, AA, but she never managed to really control it. Their son would come home from school to find her lying drunk on the sofa, and then on the kitchen floor. She lost her job. She would lose control of her bladder. My cousin as covering up for her, replacing furniture and carpets, taking 100% responsibility for the house, their son, lying to their parents to hide it. He has always worked and takes real pride in their house, his appearance, is an amazing dad.
He stopped her having access to money to try to stop her buying alcohol and she was found drunk, soliciting in a hotel. I don't know how often she was hospitalised. She had liver problems, her teeth began to fall out, she was bloated but skinny. She was given places in some kind of alcohol support unit on several occasions after she had been in hospital. She was drinking again within days every time.
Eventually he would not have her back in the house.She was hospitalised at the time and a council flat was found for her. She had carers going in 3x a day. Within a week the carer called the police because she had locked all the internal door locks and the carer could not get access. They smashed the door in and she was drunk and out of it on the floor and had wrecked the flat.
She is drinking herself to death and although her son- now about 20- refuses to have anything to do with her, my cousin still makes sure she has food in the flat. The Drs have told her she will be dead in the next 18 months but she seems uninterested. She is soliciting again and has a criminal record now for theft. She is so well known in the area where they live- in local shops for shop-lifting, in the flats for drunken disturbances and anti-social behaviour. She is an absolute sight- she looks a rough 70 and is 45. No teeth, losing her hair, bloated stomach, skinny legs and arms, dirty, smells, can not work, face flushed,
It is a terrible thing but there is nothing you can do unless the person wants to do it themselves.
She is adopted and it turns out both of her birth parents were alcoholics from their teens and died in their 50s with it. It is as if she has inherited it - is that possible?

Your desired outcome, as mentioned above, is a happy life for you and your DCs. That means no more worrying about whether the man you are supposed to be able to trust with your life is going to be drunk when he comes home. No more walking on eggshells. Being able to live with your mind at ease.

If he can't give you that, he has to go. And as others have also said, you need to put yourself and your DC first. When I started doing that - mentally - everything just fell into place.

My dad is an alcoholic and his behaviour is just like your DH - selfish beyond compare and a pathological liar to boot. He's an incredibly well educated man, senior partner in a law firm and through the drinking and the lying he has ruined every single aspect of his life that matters.

Whatever you do, it must really be for you and your children, because honestly you can't rely on him to come through.

I'm sorry you are going through this, really I am. The fact that he is angry suggests he is not really remorseful of his behaviour, just the situation it has landed him in.

If his family are also big drinkers, they will likely be minimising his behaviour which just enables it to continue. My grandma has done the same with my dad - they now live together in a fictional world they've made up.

And you are supporting him - because you have not yet initiated divorce. Because you are giving him a chance to change. That's all the support he's going to get from you

This . You need to look after yourself and your kids. He needs to work on his own issues.

If you let him come home, he will probably never do this. He will just go on wrecking you and your kids lives.

The desired outcome is to put yourself first for a while and have a break from all of the shit he has put you through. It sounds like he has worn you down so much that you have no more support left to give you. He needs to stop drinking for himself not just you so its best for both of you to be on your own just now

Oh gosh I feel for u. Im still dealing with my now ex who was like This, once he had one drink that was it wouldn't see him till he run out of cash or was soo far gone. It was awful. It still is hard but them feelings u get of dread of them coming home, being near drink etc have all gone. U deserve better don't wait around hoping he will change, go get out has quick has u can. You can do this 👊👊

Well, from the other side, I was that person. The embarrassing alcoholic. My husband stood with me, supported me (as well as he could), and after hitting rock bottom, I have (with enormous help) been sober for 8 years.
It is possible, and I’m so very grateful he hung in there. Only he knows if this time it’s for real though, and you need to figure out if you have any chances left in you xxx

nzeire of course it is possible - if the alcoholic is ready to work at it.

OP's husband doesn't seem to be. And you say your husband 'stood with you' - what did he do that was 'standing with you' without continuing to enable you? That is the difference.

OP you asked what the point of the separation is; what the effect on your dh should be.

It doesn’t need to be about him. It can be about what change you’d like it to bring in your life and the lives of your dc. No-one here (or anywhere) can tell you how to start fixing your dh. If they could then addiction wouldn’t be the problem it is.
What you can do though is to start fixing your life.
I wish you strength and clarity x

The separation is for him to have the space to work on his addiction and for you and the dc to be able to live your lives without having to deal with all the tribulations that come with that process. You have reached the end of your tether because of his drinking and need recovery time too.

He’s a cheating, lying alcoholic

Do his parents drink? Just wondering if he's going to have temptation there. If not then better for you to encourage him to stay with them for as long as possible. Let him know how miserable your life has been, having to deal with him, so you need a long break until he's sorted himself out. He still should attend AA when stopped, he may not have relapsed the last time if he'd gone to regular meetings.
I hope he can stop for the sake of your DC's and yourself. I split with alcoholic ex when DS was 3, because it was negatively impacting on DS. Ex died 10 years later at 48 years, glad I got out when I did, my son is a lovely well adjusted lad who makes me proud 😁

@opentooffers there’s one important fact I failed to mention; my father was a nasty drunk and often took his drunken mood out on my mother and the children. We feared what he’d do next.
As much as I cherish my beloved mother who’s since died, I remain angry as to why she didn’t find the strength to leave him and take us with her when we were young.
She squirrelled money away and when she died my father was shocked to learn she had close to 35k in her bank acc.
I’m sad and angry she didn’t use that money to escape from him.

If he was serious about face up to this he would NOT be asking you for another chance and to allow him back home at this present time

He just wants a return to the status quo

How are you doing today @Sameold2020? Hope you're ok.

@StLucia4 We often inadvertently end up with partners who have traits of our fathers, even the negative ones🤔. My father is a heavy drinker, though never at home, just in the pub every night growing up, noticeably short tempered for the short hours between being home from work and exiting for the pub. No drastic abuse, just not around much and general grumpiness, but always happy and sociable on return from the pub. I suppose heavy drinking was more normalised for me growing up, so i didn't realise till down the line that full blown alcoholism was the reality.
Used to drink a fair amount myself at uni, and beery nights out with ex before DS. But then real life and work gets in the way, and if not addicted I guess you just cut down as increases in responsibilities occur, like having children. You think that your partner will do the same as work commitments increase, but sometimes they don't, or can't, then you think maybe when he's a father he'll see the light, but no, it can get worse.
Maybe splitting up and seeing how much he's lost will help - maybe not, had no effect on my ex. He did go to rehab once, I never got to ask him specifically what made him go then ( might just of been able to access at that time). We talked a lot on the phone while he was in rehab. He was stubborn about engaging with any councelling or therapy. Hiding under a vale of being too clever for their methods and cynical about their effectiveness, he really did not want to confront negative past childhood experiences, preferred to distract with alcohol. Left rehab a few weeks early, not having learnt enough about himself, I knew then it would only be a matter of time. His mother died first ( ALD, as her uncle had previously) Then 2 years later ex.
Families eh? Just hope nurture can overcome, my son doesn't like the taste of it so far, keen on playing football and keeping fit, doing well in exams, and critically, has never been witness to any abuse at home growing up - the benefits of a single parent life, it's hard, but there is peace and stability.

Hey Op, hows things going? Following your thread with interest as im in the same boat @Sameold2020

How are things for you @Mamato?