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Relationships

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should my bf be investing so much in his adult step daughter?

103 replies

Laytheblanketontheground · 24/01/2020 17:27

have been dating him for almost 18 months but dont live together. he's older than me and a very comfortably off self made man/own business. he's been divorced for years. ex wife remarried and doing her own thing. he and ex have one dd in her 20s who I haven't met because he does not have a close relationship with her. I would love to get to know her and for her to be part of our life. the thing that really pees me off is that he has a step daughter who he IS very close to. when he met his ex she was a little girl and didn't have much contact with her real dad so he kind of brought her up as his own. She is now in her 30s and is a surgeon. he's very proud of her. she's a very bright hardworking beautiful girl, but she is also very manipulative and knows how to get what she wants from him. she parties hard and in my view has quite a flamboyant life style. in my opinion she uses him for money. it hacks me off that we have to go out for meals with her and her bf and she's not even his daughter. he still transfers her money every month as he did when she was at med school and has bought her and her bf a flat. in his every day life he is very careful with money and certainly doesn't throw it around. I pay my way when we go out. im from a working class background where kids ar encouraged to be independent. from early on. I love him and want commitment but dont know how I can stomach this attachment he has to this spoilt fancy pants who he doesn't need to subsidise.

OP posts:
3rdchristmaslucky · 24/01/2020 17:33

Dude, she's his daughter.
The fact that she's not blood is a non issue.
You're jealous and if you really have an issue, take it up with him. However, it's his money and he's happy to spend it on her. Let him.

serenity13 · 24/01/2020 17:36

Hes a grown man, and if he wants to dote on his spoilt step daughter then so be it. you have different views and come from different backgrounds,. you cannot force him to see it from your point of view. maybe later in the relationship you can ask a few more questions and dig deeper as to why he feels the need to support her financially when she is a surgeon and is supposed to earn good pay.
but for now I would suck it up and not say anything ..

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 17:38

It's his money to do with as he likes isn't it?

Laytheblanketontheground · 24/01/2020 17:38

@serenity. why do you think he does it? she must earn a fair whack but she's a spender too. she is very childish around him

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 24/01/2020 17:39

She is his daughter and he has every right to spoil her with his money - it doesn’t matter if they are not related by blood and frankly you differentiating like this makes you sound like a nutcase. No wonder you aren’t living together.

Laytheblanketontheground · 24/01/2020 17:40

@Hearhooves yes it is but i guess I need to know how long it will continue and when we eventually live together as I hope we will, would it be unreasonable for me to object?

OP posts:
turkeyontheplate · 24/01/2020 17:40

You're jealous, basically.

Don't worry, sounds like he can afford both of you Hmm

Laytheblanketontheground · 24/01/2020 17:41

is there not a point when he has to sever the ties of the benevolent step father? she's an adult?

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers21 · 24/01/2020 17:44

he isn’t her stepfather. he is her father. he has raised her as his own. if he wants to spend his money on her then it has absolutely nothing to do with you. you sound bitter and jealous.

2020BetterBeBetter · 24/01/2020 17:45

You’re just jealous. He will always prioritise her over you and rightly so.

keyboardwarrior1 · 24/01/2020 17:47

How he spends his money has nothing to do with you.

Hauskat · 24/01/2020 17:48

He loves his daughter and chooses to spend his money on her. Why is that a problem as long as he can afford it and is freely choosing to? I think it’s weird that you don’t accept her as his daughter. You want his other daughter to be part of your lives but it ‘hacks you off’ that you have to go to dinner with his step daughter? Why? Because of blood? Or because she enjoys spending money?

GlitchStitch · 24/01/2020 17:48

It's none of your business. If you don't like it then end the relationship, you don't get to come along and attempt to change a part of his life that he's clearly happy with, nor undermine the relationship he has with a child he raised as his own by going on about blood ties. How old are you? You sound really immature.

Srictlybakeoff · 24/01/2020 17:48

You’ve known him for 18 months. It is absolutely not your place to decide whether or not not he spends his money on his daughter. And if I were you I wouldn’t say anything to him about it if you want the relationship to continue .
I am comfortably off and I fully intend to give my grown up dc as much as I can afford to. Not just to help them out if they are struggling but sometimes just to spoil them.it will give me huge pleasure.

Luckystar20 · 24/01/2020 17:50

Is it because he lacks a relationship with his real daughter and is close to his step daughter or is it simply jealously op.

Singlenotsingle · 24/01/2020 17:50

He'll never sever the ties. He loves her like any other father loves a daughter. If you want your relationship with him to continue, you have to come to terms with it.

Hauskat · 24/01/2020 17:51

Also you don’t sever ties with your children once they are adults. Where on earth did you get that idea from? Do you have kids?

saraclara · 24/01/2020 17:53

It hacks you off that you have to go for meals with the young woman that he's been father to since she was small? That's just bizarre.

Any particular reason why he and his other daughter are not close?

NotStayingIn · 24/01/2020 17:53

So you want him to get close to the daughter that is his but want him to cut ties with the one that is a step daughter. Why? What difference can it possibly make to you? Who are you to decide which one he should have a relationship with?

You know how we always talk about red flags on here. To be honest, I think this should be a massive red flag for him.

Why are you so jealous of this girl? If anything you may encourage him (if it’s appropriate) to try and rebuild a relationship with his other daughter. But wanting to reduce contact with the step daughter as she is only his step daughter is beyond bizarre.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2020 17:54

From my sofa I see a man compensating for his poor relationship with his other, blood, daughter.

I wonder how his daughter would describe the relationship between her and her half sister. It isn't impossible that he has been over compensating for their whole lives.

You can't really do anything, OP. It is what it is. Sad really.

category12 · 24/01/2020 17:55

It's lovely that he still has a bond with her. I really hope he drops you like a stone when he realises what you're like.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 17:57

@Laytheblanketontheground

I think if you object to this then your best bet is to end the relationship rather than to move in with him. Assume that whatever he currently does he will continue to do after you move in - is it a deal breaker?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 24/01/2020 17:59

I can't believe you are real. You sound horrible.

AmbitiouslyFit · 24/01/2020 17:59

she Isn’t your rival! She is his daughter and has been in his life before you appeared and you should try win her over as she is part of him. Not push her away.

It’s his money. His daughter. And you are entering this relationship to control him ?

I think you should get into a relationship with similar financial background to yours so that you don’t start comparing.

You’re jealous. It’s understandable but no you’re not entitled to anything you think you are.

IndecentFeminist · 24/01/2020 17:59

I'd question why he doesn't have the same relationship with his other daughter. It is quite telling that you think it relevant that you pay your way...as if it is in any way related to him paying for stuff for his child.

I'm 39 with three children and a husband, and my parents normally pick up the tab when we eat out.