should my bf be investing so much in his adult step daughter?

[Laytheblanketontheground]

have been dating him for almost 18 months but dont live together. he's older than me and a very comfortably off self made man/own business. he's been divorced for years. ex wife remarried and doing her own thing. he and ex have one dd in her 20s who I haven't met because he does not have a close relationship with her. I would love to get to know her and for her to be part of our life. the thing that really pees me off is that he has a step daughter who he IS very close to. when he met his ex she was a little girl and didn't have much contact with her real dad so he kind of brought her up as his own. She is now in her 30s and is a surgeon. he's very proud of her. she's a very bright hardworking beautiful girl, but she is also very manipulative and knows how to get what she wants from him. she parties hard and in my view has quite a flamboyant life style. in my opinion she uses him for money. it hacks me off that we have to go out for meals with her and her bf and she's not even his daughter. he still transfers her money every month as he did when she was at med school and has bought her and her bf a flat. in his every day life he is very careful with money and certainly doesn't throw it around. I pay my way when we go out. im from a working class background where kids ar encouraged to be independent. from early on. I love him and want commitment but dont know how I can stomach this attachment he has to this spoilt fancy pants who he doesn't need to subsidise.

God the wording people are using here. His "actual" daughter? His "actual, biological" daughter?!

Think about how mean spirited that sounds, especially to people who are part of step families or adopted like me.

He hasn't been a good dad to his other daughter by the sound of it, fair enough.

That's no reason for people to invalidate the other daughter's existence by saying she's not his "actual" daughter / the OP saying he should sever ties.

So much needless nastiness.

I find it weird tbh. It's not even like he's still with the mum.
Few blood relatives are handing out money to grown women who are surgeons.
Tell him he looks embarrassing being had like that, and don't go out for meals with her if you don't want to.

He's her Dad. He has two daughters. One he gets on well with and one he doesn't.

That's not going to change, and nor should it. Family isn't just about blood ties

I've been DS1's Mum since he was around 4. He's now 19. If DH and I ever split up he would still be my boy and I wouldn't be "severing ties"

You should walk away from this relationship OP. You don't like his daughter, and you'll like any grandchildren even less - and in my experience men who spoil their kids really dote on their grandkids!

Wow. Sorry you're getting such a slating. What's wrong with questioning why a man is still bankrolling one daughter - a step daughter into her 30's but has no relationship with his other daughter. I wonder if the daughter feels discarded in favour of the successful surgeon. I doubt you will return with any more information about this due to everyone lavishing praise on this man and calling you a gold-digger! I'd like to know the backstory because he could be doing a classic golden child/ scapegoat and most posters seem to be defending him for it and making you out to be grasping. Good luck with working this one out.

Very harsh comments which I don’t think you deserve tbh.
I also wonder what his biological daughter thinks of this.

There isn't much difference for a man between a biological child and one he raised from a young age on an emotional level. He didn't squeeze either of them out.

After that, it just comes down to the relationship. He has a daughter he gets on with and one he doesn't have much contact with (which might be entirely her choice).

It's a pointless distinction.

So he has two daughters, one bio and one step but only sees the step daughter? YANBU - if he saw both and treated them equally then ok but the fact he treats one differently to the other is strange. I'd question why is bio daughter isn't in the picture.

Sounds to me like he's compensating too. Have you asked him what happened for him to barely speak to his other daughter? Maybe they just don't get on and he's compensating by spoiling the other daughter or maybe she was the successful 'golden child' even though she wasn't his biologically and he treated the other daughter badly. He is either not a nice man, in which case, why do you want to be with him, or he is sad that his relationship with his other child has broken down and he is and will continue to spoil his step daughter. In which case, you need to get out of the way because if he is a decent man he will not be giving up his child ( step or not) for you, and neither should he.

the main reason seems to be because one is successful and one isn't

Yeah, you made that up...

Why does the fact that she isn't your bf's bio DD matter? He's her dad ion every way that matters, as her birth father isn't in her life. My DSis loves her DSS as much as her bio DC and her youngest, who is adopted.

My own DDs are adopted, I don't love them any less because I didn't give birth to them.

It really isn't any of your business. It's sad that he isn't in his bio DD's life, and maybe he's to blame for that (there are very poor fathers around, as is clear from the numerous MN threads about this). But blaming his DSD for it isn't in any way fair, as she was a very young child when he came into her life.

If you're uncomfortable about it (and it does sound like there's things he's not telling you), then he isn't the man for you.

These days parents are used to paying for their children into their 30s or even 40s. I think it's fairly normalised, different to how young people used to go into the world and 'make their own way'.
I know a couple in their early 40s who get a significant monthly sum from her dad even though they are both professionals. It's like pocket money +++ They use it to go on holiday every fortnight.
The intergenerational finance gap is so huge now it's really quite strange.
I'm sure he has enough love for you both.

Let's reverse this situation then.

I have a step sister who is a bit older than me. She is a surgeon. My dad prefers to spend time with her, and doesn't bother trying to have a relationship with me although his new girlfriend has tried to have a relationship with me. He spends a lot of money on my step sister and gives me nothing. He talks about how proud he is of her, and says nothing about me to others. He never pays attention to me. I'm in my 20s and have no relationship with my dad.

What would you say to someone who came on here asking that? I doubt the father would come off well then.

As I said, yet people fail to read, it would be fine if he was treating them the same. But treating his biological daughter worse than the step daughter, that's got to hurt the younger girl. A lot. You see people on here all the time talking about how their siblings get treated better than them. That's what is happening here, and she's not even a full sibling. Not related at all. That's shit parenting. You should never be treating your biological children worse than the step children, or vice versa. That's how one side ends up resenting the other. Quite obvious really. The person at fault is the dad.

@ChristmasSweet I agree that the OP's bf doesn't come out of this well. I think the problem is that the OP complains about his DSD rather than about her bf, who is the one who failed his bio DD. It's not the DSD's fault, it's the OP's bf who is to blame, no one else.

@ChristmasSweet You have no idea why he doesn’t have much to do with his biological daughter

The scenario could easily be “My Dad’s new girlfriend has decided that because he’s technically my step-dad and because my half-sister has chosen not to bother with any of us that my Dad should cut me off”

His biological daughter could be hard done by, or she could be an absolute nightmare. Or she might just be really independent and not close to her family

I don't really think it's the OP's business but it's fucking weird that a high-earning adult woman accepts a regular allowance from her stepfather. I don't think I'd want to be involved with such a fucked up family.

@Lizzie030869 oh yeah the op is looking at this the wrong way too.

@lyralalala she might be, but even then I'd draw the line at quite obviously favouring one daughter over the other. It still doesn't look good or make the possibility of a relationship in the future possible. All it does is cement the fact that he prefers one daughter over the other and makes one feel like an outcast.

You have a massive chip on your shoulder about being working class. Can I ask why?

You're pissed off that he doesn't pay for stuff.

I would be concerned as to why he only see his SD and not his daughter.

That's what I would be taking from this scenario. Not jealousy and resentment towards his step-daughter.

@ChristmasSweet she might be, but even then I'd draw the line at quite obviously favouring one daughter over the other. It still doesn't look good or make the possibility of a relationship in the future possible. All it does is cement the fact that he prefers one daughter over the other and makes one feel like an outcast.

Without knowing the circumstances you can't possibly say that though. My father was disgustingly abusive to my siblings and I, therefore to the outside world my Grandparents massively favoured their other two children. Of course they did, they had nothing to do with him because of his actions.

The biological daughter is in her 20s. Not a child. She's got little relationship with her father and there's no clue in the OP's post why that is so it's a huge assumption that his closeness to his other daughter is an issue

Besides which the OP's issue is solely that he's not biologically the father of the DD he sees. Not anything else and that is categorically none of her business. Family isn't always about blood.

The OP's issue is that she wants him to ditch his step daughter and try and reinstate his relationship with his bio daughter. Even if it was any of her business, he won't do that for her. Whatever type of father he is, the relationship will not last in those circumstances.

Well, in theory she likes the idea of him having a close relationship with his biological dd. If it was the case, who's to say she wouldn't feel just as jealous.

I believe it's possible for parents to love their step kids and adopted kids as much as a biological kid. Therefore the meal thing would be fine with me. Presumably he'd do the same if he had a good relationship with his other dd. (I'm assuming that dsd is not the reason why his dd doesn't talk to him)

I'd agree with your view that 30yo shouldn't be taking money from parents unless it's an emergency like splitting up and need to move out but don't have despair, removal costs etc

The problem is your partner not the stepdaughter. He is happy with the arrangement and may think it's better to give away wealth so the people who inherit aren't stuck with high inheritance tax charges.

Personally I'd get irritated if my partner and their child had this sort of dynamic. Not because of the money but because people with this sort of relationship tend to have weird boundaries in other ways.

I'm 30, great career and income, married and have children and my parents still give me an allowance. I haven't asked for it -I appreciate it and don't ask, my dad always says he will take care of me until the day he dies and it makes him happy. If he is happy to do it what's the problem? If he couldn't afford it or was complaining I would understand. His money his choice

You sound very jealous. It's nothing to do with you if you are not paying

I totally understand where you're coming from and surprised noone else does. So when you go out for a meal, does he pay for her but not for you? That's a bit poor of him. She sounds very spoilt to me.

@Crazycatperson has a point.

@zuvurangu, do you also have an estranged step-sister who your father doesn't support? Your circumstances are somewhat different, and in any case I'd still find that quite weird as a relatively new partner of your father.