should my bf be investing so much in his adult step daughter?

[Laytheblanketontheground]

have been dating him for almost 18 months but dont live together. he's older than me and a very comfortably off self made man/own business. he's been divorced for years. ex wife remarried and doing her own thing. he and ex have one dd in her 20s who I haven't met because he does not have a close relationship with her. I would love to get to know her and for her to be part of our life. the thing that really pees me off is that he has a step daughter who he IS very close to. when he met his ex she was a little girl and didn't have much contact with her real dad so he kind of brought her up as his own. She is now in her 30s and is a surgeon. he's very proud of her. she's a very bright hardworking beautiful girl, but she is also very manipulative and knows how to get what she wants from him. she parties hard and in my view has quite a flamboyant life style. in my opinion she uses him for money. it hacks me off that we have to go out for meals with her and her bf and she's not even his daughter. he still transfers her money every month as he did when she was at med school and has bought her and her bf a flat. in his every day life he is very careful with money and certainly doesn't throw it around. I pay my way when we go out. im from a working class background where kids ar encouraged to be independent. from early on. I love him and want commitment but dont know how I can stomach this attachment he has to this spoilt fancy pants who he doesn't need to subsidise.

Wow OP, I can almost hear the KERRRRCHIIINNNG! From here.

You've really got your eyes on your boyfriend's money, haven't you?

Op you are getting a hard time here. Whilst I agree it's up to him what he does with his money, it does seem odd yes, and sad that his relationship with his biological daughter isn't great. Does he show off about 'my daughter the surgeon'…? If so, that's about status, and status by association, and that's a bit shallow.

Ugh. Leave the poor man alone. He's got money and chooses to spend on his daughter who clearly works hard enough if she's been through Med School.

Gosh you sound like a delight.

Do your boyfriend a favour and dump him so that he can find someone who isn't insanely jealous of his relationship with his step-daughter.

It doesn’t sound like this is the relationship for you. Many people who are comfortable just like to feel like they are providing for their children. My mum and stepdad are very well off (she wasn’t when I was growing up though, she was a single mum and we spent about 6 months once living in hotels and campsites because we couldn’t get a house). My mum still sends me money randomly (and by money I mean like £2000 a few times a year).

I’m nearly 40. Very educated. Dh and I both have very good careers and high salaries. It’s a bit embarrassing. But it makes her happy. We don’t want for anything, but it’s a nice pot of savings for our dc.

I’d be pretty pissed off of her dh stopped her from doing that. Not because we want the money, but because she has a good pension now and it makes her happy and it’s none of his business and would be really financially controlling if he did.

And unless you have joint children together even if you lived together I would suggest that as long as he paid his share of the joint living costs, it would still be none of your business

I don't think you will be able to hide your true feelings about his daughter from her father. He obviously cares a great deal for her and isn't likely to put up with negativity about her from you.

Decent parents put their children first. New partners that don't understand this will quickly become ex's.

I hope your DP reads this and runs.for the hills!!!

I hope he ends it with you over your vile attitude towards his daughter.

I think it shows just what kind of a person he is, maybe this is not the relationship for you though.

Is there a cut off point for severing relations with one’s daughter? No?
Then surely there isn’t a cut off point here too?
She’s a surgeon, I assume she has an incredibly stressful job in the current climate. How does it matter if she parties?
Would you have minded if he gave a deposit for his biological daughter? No? Then why object to his step daughter whom he has seen as his own daughter?

Why do YOU want a relationship with his biological daughter? It’s surely none of your business.

Is there a class thing here? Is it that she’s a surgeon and you feel that either she looks down on you or you feel inadequate in her presence?

"Sever ties"? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Normal people don't sever ties with people they care about just because they're growing older, and they certainly don't try to dictate who they can and cannot have relationships with.

Money talks eh OP

To him, she is his daughter. However, I don't think a woman of that age in a good job should be getting a monthly allowance.

I think it's lovely that they have still maintained a relationship even after the parents split.
They clearly see each other as father and daughter and I think you need to mind your own business.
You will not come out well in this situation, if you want to stay with him you need to get over this and leave them too it.
He will pick his daughter over you.

She is his daughter. It pisses you off? Why?!

You sound jealous of her. Every credit to him for still being kind to his step daughter even though he’s not with her mum anymore. You should be applauding the fact that he’s clearly a decent man not complaining about it. It’s a parent thing to make sure that you’re kids are still ok even though they are working adults.

Why would you live to know his other daughter, but very much dislike the one he has a relationship with?

Because she is biologically his?

If I had the money to buy my kids a flat I would in a heartbeat.

It's not reasonable for you to object at all. You know the score. If you dont like it, you dont move in with him. You dont move in the start objecting.

If dp tried to tell me what I can and cant sornd on my kids and that i needed to cut ties I would show him the door

I totally understand where you're coming from and surprised noone else does. So when you go out for a meal, does he pay for her but not for you? That's a bit poor of him. She sounds very spoilt to me.

I think there's a bit of a bullying attitude towards the poster. No need.

This relationship won’t end well as it looks as though you will get to a point where you issue an ultimatum either her or you. She is his daughter whom he clearly loves and wishes to support in whatever way he chooses to do so. From the limited information you have passed to us, I wouldn’t be surprised if he chose his daughter if that time came. You have known him 18 months and he has known her for 30 odd years.

You are going to have to accept his relationship with his (step) daughter or move on.

And how lovely is it to hear about someone who truly does treat his step child as his own beyond childhood and beyond his marriage.

Yeah transferring money every month to a thirty something surgeon daughter is not normal, really.

You sound like a gold digger and resent the fact that she’s draining his funds. It’s absolutely none of your business what he spends his money on and it’s lovely how they have a close relationship. I hope that he realises what a cold hearted cow you are and ditches you before you manage to poison his relationship with a woman he considers to be his daughter regardless of blood.

Sorry but you sound vile. Shes his daughter.

@Laytheblanketontheground he does it because she is his daughter and he feels a sense of responsibility towards her, it doesn't matter that she's over 30 or that she has a successful career. she maybe spoilt and manipulating him but its his decision , If you say anything you risk sounding jealous and controlling, I would just let it go.