should my bf be investing so much in his adult step daughter?

[Laytheblanketontheground]

have been dating him for almost 18 months but dont live together. he's older than me and a very comfortably off self made man/own business. he's been divorced for years. ex wife remarried and doing her own thing. he and ex have one dd in her 20s who I haven't met because he does not have a close relationship with her. I would love to get to know her and for her to be part of our life. the thing that really pees me off is that he has a step daughter who he IS very close to. when he met his ex she was a little girl and didn't have much contact with her real dad so he kind of brought her up as his own. She is now in her 30s and is a surgeon. he's very proud of her. she's a very bright hardworking beautiful girl, but she is also very manipulative and knows how to get what she wants from him. she parties hard and in my view has quite a flamboyant life style. in my opinion she uses him for money. it hacks me off that we have to go out for meals with her and her bf and she's not even his daughter. he still transfers her money every month as he did when she was at med school and has bought her and her bf a flat. in his every day life he is very careful with money and certainly doesn't throw it around. I pay my way when we go out. im from a working class background where kids ar encouraged to be independent. from early on. I love him and want commitment but dont know how I can stomach this attachment he has to this spoilt fancy pants who he doesn't need to subsidise.

Why would it be odd of he paid for his daughter and not his girlfriend?

You really resent having to go out for meals with your partners daughter? I find that very strange. You really do seem to have an issue with her not being his biological daughter despite that fact her brought her up.

You partner is free to spend his money however he chooses. Whether or not she needs it is beside the point. He can obviously afford it.

Is the money he spends on his daughter having a negative in Oct on your own quality of life? Are you going hungry or living in a hovel?

spoilt fancy pants

Horrible description that doesn't do you any favours. Unless you work out and deal with your jealous your bf will leave you. Btw, fair play to this woman for what she has achieved. I imagine you give off vibes to her that her dad will pick up on.

You can't have the best bits of his life, such as lifestyle and his attention without accepting his daughter.

I would however wonder why he doesn't have a close relationship with his daughter and would wonder if golden child & scapegoat dynamic is at play. Do his daughters have a good relationship?

Just that he loves his step daughter and always will, there will be no cut off point where he will stop loving her and feeling responsible for her. My DC is nearly 30 we are still saving away to give the biggest deposit possible when they decide to buy a property. Its just what parents do. Fucking love our kids.

He buys her stuff for the association. His other daughter probably doesnt measure up.

My own dad ditched me in favour of his middle class step kids too. OP just ditch him.

Another one who would happily buy their children a house. In my case, I'd need a lottery win to do it.

I don't think he's doing her any favours giving her money every month, everyone needs to learn how to manage a budget and save, it's part of growing up and he shouldn't stunt that.

I was once with a woman who, after 18 months, announced that she was hacked off just with having my daughter spend a weekend in our flat.

That was the end of the relationship, instantly. OP, you're setting yourself up for the same thing.

Most of the wealthy people I know still support their adult children in some way. I think it's connected to inheritance tax also.

It is the ones that let their children struggle - when they could clearly help - that are considered to be not normal. If a parent could help and doesn't when their are no obvious reasons then it makes everyone wonder.

I am struggling at times; my parents help me out. Even when I'm doing well they help me out but at a lower level.

It doesn’t matter to him that it’s a step daughter as he brought her up from a young age, so he treats her as his own child, which is nice. He’s wealthy and still wants to treat his daughter, what’s wrong in that? You are just a girlfriend of 18 months and you don’t even live together. You should butt out of his relationship with his family, it’s not your business. If you can’t ‘stomach’ this, split now because I can pretty much guarantee he’ll get rid of you if you start interfering in his relationship with his child, step daughter or not.

What are the reasons for not having a good relationship with his other daughter?
I think it’s great he has such a good relationship with his other daughter. It is completely up to him how he spends his money; my daughter has a step mum who is just wonderful and treats her as if she were her own; that is how it should be,

Why’s he not SS close to the younger daughter? Are she and her half sister close to each other?

They’re both adults so I’m confused about why you feel it would be better if he was supporting the younger one.

You don’t have to take her and her boyfriend out for meals, you could use the time he’s seeing her to catch up with your own friends.

You don’t have to love or like her but he clearly benefits from their relationship and she’s not going anywhere so if you want to carry on seeing him you need to make peace with the dynamic and accept it. If she has children he’s likely to want to be an involved and generous grandad which you might also find challenging, something to consider.

Does he know how you feel about her?

He sees her as a daughter, blood or not which is completely understandably if he helped raise her and was there throughout her childhood. His behaviour is exactly like a dotting dad would behave. Tbh his genetic daughter would have a right to be upset but you dont. Of course he won't sever ties with an adult step daughter why should he?

I would be happy that he sees his step daughter regularly but concerned that he is distant from his daughter. Helping your child with money for property is normal if you can afford it but giving money to a high earning adult child is a bit odd.

You sound like you both have very different ideas of what it means to be a parent.

This is who he is. Only a fool goes into a relationship hoping someone will change.

hacks me off that we have to go out for meals with her and her bf and she's not even his daughter

Id be horrified if my step dad had a girlfriend & she thought that of me. My stepdad raised me from being 1 years old . He split with my mum when i was 15 and still sees me and my kids every fortnight or so. Just because he didnt help make me biologically, hes still my dad

I actually think you sound really entitled. Youve been with him 18 months and your complaining about his daughter of 29 years? You cheeky git!

And actually, why are YOU going our for meals with him, his daughter and his son in law if you dont want. You dont have to, your choosing to! And then complaining about it!

would love to get to know her and for her to be part of our life. the thing that really pees me off is that he has a step daughter who he IS very close to Funnily enough my dad doesnt speak to his biological daughter, neither do me and my sister. Shes toxic like our mum and a compulsive liar too, maybe he has a valid reason for not being close to her? This reeks of it being about blood to you, which is absolutely bizzare considering youve been on the scene for less than 2 years!

The transferring her money and things at this age is a bit odd, but if he likes to financially look after her why does that bother you? This has been a longterm thing by the sounds of it, he doesnt have a problem, neither should you

You sound jealous

Why dont you tell him you dont like going out for meals with him and her when shes not even his daughter? Tell him and see what he thinks about it, but your not going to are you?

Btw im not the daughter before anyone asks, my life was pretty shitty up until a few years ago and im no surgeon

How much older is he than you? Are you closer in age to his step daughter? Sorry if I'm wrong but from your writing style that's what it sounds like.

Do you and him go out together by yourselves?
I’d be a bit pissed off by this.
She will be loaded and has no moral compass re monies.
You don’t have to go out with them. You can be busy.
He’s happy to pay - she’s happy to take.
Do you pay your own contribution to these meals and if this is so does the boyfriend pay for his own meal?
If you can’t cope with it long term you will need to end it.
I understand where you are coming from though.

I first meet my daughter when she was 3, I grew to be her Dad and will always be though there's no blood between us.

I find your attitude abhorrent.

Sounds like a good man who is continuing the supportive relationship he started with this girl from the beginning- she's clearly determined and hardworking, it's not a walk in the park to be a surgeon! It really does sound all about money and your size of the potential pie. Why not ask him directly when he plans to 'sever ties' ( what a cold comment!!)

"yes it is but i guess I need to know how long it will continue and when we eventually live together as I hope we will, would it be unreasonable for me to object?"

It depends. If your contribution to the household is equal to his and you work as a team then yes it's reasonable to have a discussion about it.

If you're sat dictating to him how he should spend his money because you want him to spend it on you then that's not reasonable.

As long as its his money he's spending its fine. She may be a surgeon and presumably well enough paid but she's still 'his little girl' and by the sounds of it is happy to play along. If you're sticking with him you'll just have to get used to it. She may well be taking the mick financially but it seems to please him and at least the 'ow' hes spending his money on is his daughter.

I thought no you will find he loves bed his step daughter, and his nurturing side is nourished by being able to help a child he raised.
This is not a bad thing, it means if you love him he will be a good partner.
Never get between a man and his children if your so new to a relationship, you will always loose.
Become the bad SM and she will get you removed.

I hope your a troll op. My dad wasn't my bio dad but even as an adult I was still his daughter and my kids are his grand children. You sound jealous and pathetic

Lots of wealthy people still give their adult children money (it's how wealth is passed on!).

The only weird thing in this scenario is he spoils one daughter and doesn't even see the other.

Hmm no the only one I'm seeing here in this situation that is horrible is the shite dad.

He barely sees his biological daughter. Doesn't have a good relationship with her, doesn't even try to have one. Assuming he doesn't pay for things for her either.

And then you've got his step daughter. Spoils constantly, buys things for her at a moments notice, builds a relationship with her, says he is very proud of her. But not of his actual, biological daughter.

I couldn't be with him for how different he treats them. It's disgusting. Fair enough if he spoiled both, but he treats them so differently, and the main reason seems to be because one is successful and one isn't. That's horrible 'parenting'. I'd dump him for that.