To phone police for abuse?

[inthedarkX]

Last week ex told me he would come see baby today whilst other kids are in school, I agreed. Then he cancelled on me this week saying he's busy with his gf. So I said ok. Then my friend invited me and my children to her house straight after school after school as her primary school children go to same school as my primary school kids . My older children who are in high school were meant to meet me at my friends after they finished after school club. ( they know where it is as we've done this before and bus stop near her house)
Anyway he text me 'I'm at xxxxxx and xxxxxx school picking them up. I told him no we have plans and he had 0 plans to pick the kids up or even come over!!! Anyway he picked them up and a lot of commotion was caused and I ended up having to go home. And our night cancelled! He then text me calling me evil saying I'm stopping him seeing kids coz I wouldn't let him in to see them baby!
That's not the cAse
He then sends me a 'meme' saying baby mamas are spiteful That they can't have you back a baby mother world with you and is consistent
So what he's saying is I have to put my life on hold for him to turn up whenever he wishes!!!
Then I thought let's see if his gf is busy because I think he only wanted to come coz she's busy ! So one look at her Facebook profile with her story has public she's busy with her family ! So he only wanted to come coz she's busy and ruin my plans
Am I being unreasonable to report him for this as it's just abuse now!

Actually, my now ex husband raped me and got me pregnant. Then got with his new girlfriend and emotionally abused me to the worst extent possible to get a termination. I was moved to a refuge to get away from the man and had the termination pretty much against my own wishes when I was over 3 months pregnant due the scale of abuse I was getting. They are still together.

Am I behaving like you? No I'm fucking not.

I wouldn't give a toss if he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant by the way.

@annielennoxstuckinmyhead yes you went through an horrific time.
The thing is he turns up WHEN HE WANTS! That's why I want set days because otherwise he'll just turn up. How can I get over this and move on if he just turns up when he wants! If he gave me set days and stayed away and let me get on with my life the rest of the time I wouldn't be behaving like anything
It's the fact he's turning up for the school run, making a scene so I let him in that's stopping me from moving on!

The point I was originally trying to make was that my ex is military. So as you can probably imagine, his contact is not always regular. I do have to fit it around him, even though I can't stand the bastard. Yes, it affects my ability of being able to work as much as I'd like, because I have to care for our son and be available when his dad has to cancel and rearrange or wants to see him the next day cos he's buggering off for months. It's fucking annoying. But you have to just suck it up mate. You chose to have those kids so they come first.

The way you're projecting yourself is very much fucked off because of the girlfriend. But I can probably bet all my money that if you actually got her on side, and met her and worked WITH her you'd get further than you are with the constant bickering and fighting with the ex.

And I'm saying this with confidence because I've done it. Both my kids have different dads. My eldest kids step mum is now a seriously good friend of mine, once I grew up and realised that my problem didn't lie with her. Do you see where I'm getting at???

For instance right, I'm now I'm good terms with my ex husbands girlfriend. My ex didn't allow me a choice in whether our son bet his girlfriend. So I just embraced it. And now he's not gonna see our son for 3 months cos he's buggered off for his job my son is currently having a visit with the girlfriend! Because he adores her!!

And in the meantime... I've just had a weekend free!

Am I making ANY sense?!?

Whether our son met his girlfriend*

OP you've already been given advice on this thread on how to go about organising child contact with your ex.

You've been given advice to contact Gingerbread for advice on that. For legal advice contact Rights of Women. For safety advice and your legal options to keep him away from you, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or your local DV organisation.

Before taking this to court, it would be a good idea to get advice on how it's going to work in reality.

Show downs and bad behaviour when your ex turns up are harming your children. Perhaps they should be kept at the forefront of all this. It's easy to get bogged down in arguments but keep an eye on the bigger picture. He is their father and he has a right to see them. If he's abusive or threatening you then get advice on your legal options. Try contacting the police on 101 and finding out what you can do. The National DA Helpline can also give you advice on that as can Rights of Women.

Gingerbread
Rights of Women 020 7251 6577
National DA Helpline 0808 2000 247
Search for your local DV organisation

You have the choice of whether to let him in or not. You are giving him power all the time. If he is really making a scene outside your house then call the police. He needs to know you’re serious.
Try and get the money and get the ball rolling for court, I agree with you that it’s not fair that he comes and goes as he pleases. I would definitely send him an email stating that you want to know exactly when he intends to see the children (as in which days and times each week), the more reasonable you are the better it will look for you in court. He sounds like a complete tosser but you need to be adult about it all.

op, I'm sorry you are facing this from your ex.

My advice: don't let him in. Don't be there when he demands you are there. Stop communicating wtih him, except by email. And then only about the children.

If he was truly abusive, then you tell him that if he turns up at your house again, you will count it as harassment and you will tell the police. And then carry through your threat. Otherwise he thinks you are just messing with him. He will not take you seriously and it looks like you are thriving on the drama. He and everyone else will just think you are a pushover who wants him back.

ime the ONLY thing that works is the police. Otherwise it's just empty threats and no one will take you seriously at all. And if he is abusive, and violent, why would you even tolerate him in your house? And near your kids?. I echo others, get the advice from the agencies on this thread - protect your children. Move forward.

or alternatively carry on engaging with him and enjoy the drama.

Yes he's got ALL the power. He turns up at your house, contacts you, and generally has no respect for you at all. He doesn't care what you think, or he doesn't believe it. And maybe you don't mean it. (and that's what he thinks).

If you want him out of your life, out of your kids' lives, then take back the power.

I advertised a phone on Facebook market place to sell. I cAnt make they advertisement private, it has to be public to sell. Anyway my exes girlfriend screen shotted it and sent it to my ex and my ex was using it to harass me and him questioning me selling this phone. It's because I've asked him to pay regular maintenance and now because of his gf he's using this as an excuse not to pay and he's messaging me saying 'you got caught'

Ffs, why arent you going through CMS for maintenance? That way you'd be able to sell whatever you like, without him interfering.

Block gf and ex?

Honestly OP, this stuff isn’t difficult. If you block them you don’t see them, they don’t see you.

I've blocked them on social media but they create new accounts to find me which my I can't control. And I can't block him entirely because of the kids

You say Women's Aid agreed you were/are being abused.
You say you need a letter from someone to say you were being abused to get legal aid to sort out a contact agreement.
Ask Women's Aid to write that letter/provide evidence.
Job done

It seems that you are making a lot of excuses to not sort things out.

OP, i'd be very bitter if i were in your shoes, i absolutely agree. He's a shit, and it hurts to see him being happy. BUT the thing about bitterness is, it only hurts you. It stops you moving on and being happy. And he knows you're bitter and suffering, and he enjoys that.

So dont sit hugging your bitterness. I know its hard, but you have to move on. Stop game-playing with him, get contact put in place formally through court, and get your maintenance sorted through CMS. That way, you can dial right back on contact with him. It will make you happier in the long run, i promise.

OP, I get it. I am stalked by both my ex and his gf. Same as you - social media accounts (lots ) as well as other avenues.

You do realise that you're still hooked on this and that this is his way of keeping you hooked.? That he uses the gf as a flying monkey, a tool, to keep you hooked in the relationship, the drama. And it's working!

And you can't let go. Because you are hooked. (And he knows it).

But you need to disengage. Leave them to it. Ignore the social media. Phone the police if he turns up (because otherwise you are giving him and everyone else the message that you can't disengage). Sort out CMS. Get a non-mol. Stop engaging with him at all. Any engagement(including failing to take these steps) tells him that you are still hooked. The only message he will receive is that you are still interested. Because you are. He doesn't care whether he receives a positive or a negative response from you. Any response is a good one for him.

Suzy Lamplugh trust will help.

OP you can shut your social media down to 'private' only. That means that only friends can see your timeline and your accounts. You can sell mobile phones on Gumtree or Ebay and there are other places such as Amazon.

You can make a claim for child maintenance via the Child Maintenance Service (CMS), there is usually a charge for this. You can read about how to do that here.

Regarding harassment from your ex and his girlfriend. Keep all messages. Block them where you can. Report the harassment to the police, dial 101. You can also make enquires about a non molestation order against your ex. If they continue to harass you under various new accounts (even though you've closed down who can see your social media and are not adding people you don't know) then complain to the ISP. Make sure you disable any geolocation or tagging on your SM and devices.

SM is an easy fix.
Delete all of it.
If you REALLY have to have it. Make a profile that has absolutely no identifying details, a fake name, a picture of some flowers, extremely tight security and very limited people on it, people you can 100% trust.
Set up an email account for him to use to communicate with you about the children then BLOCK everything else! Don’t allow anyone to add you to their SM.
That should all stop any SM harassment.

I've been a victim of coercive control and domestic violence so I do understand how you feel he's using seeing the kids to exert control. The only way to get take that control away is to have a regular schedule of contact. You tell him what that is and then grey rock him at all other times.

How old are the kids? You let school know the agreed schedule and that he is not to take them outside of those times.

Make all SM private. Set up a different account for selling things on FB market that doesn't identify you in any way.

Have him muted on your phone and only respond when it's an emergency to do with the kids. Otherwise with factual responses and only about the kids. Do not respond to anything else.

Don't let him in your house. That should be your safe space. He can see the baby outside of the house only.

You can take back control but it needs you to be firm and consistent.

Also you can't control what he does with his gf. You might not like it but you have zero say. Accepting that will be a huge step for you on feeling powerless. Concentrate on the things in your gift.

You go to the CMS and get at least some money that way. It'll be a set amount that you can count on.

You ask your solicitor to write a letter stating the set days/overnights etc for contact.

You make notes of everytime he lets the children down by not coming, being late, not sticking to the schedule.

You try to save up for the Court Order and then do it.