DH attitude to my inheritance

[Boringista]

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

I think if you were in a happy marriage and secure you wouldn’t be discussing this on mn.

Trust your gut.

Do you see yourself with him in a decade or with kids ?

(Also I haven’t posted in AIBU!)

Right, so what are you going to do about it?

I know several women who have been in the same boat, and every single one of them has ended up with nothing post divorce. It was all frittered away.

I'm a little stumped at you not knowing his salary. Not sure how you can be in a committed relationship with someone and not know how much they earn? Have you asked him?

Wow posts like this makes me appreciate my late husband more. When we met he had an ex family and he earned a out 20x what I did. Though I paid the deposit on our home (from the sale of my house- he'd given all the equity in his previous house to his ex wife) he paid all the bills. When I gave up work after our second child he paid off my credit card every month too. He was totally transparent about his salary and where the money went. He put x amount into joint account and never questioned how I spent any money. He paid for everything and it was my own hang up ti deal with feeling dependant after so many years of self sufficiency.
But I agree alot if women seem to think his earned money is family money but their own is theirs. Seems your husband is not being fair in general, but I think your inheritance should be included in total family financial planning.

Stop paying the mortgage or only pay half

@Boringista unfortunately you are.

It appears you have very different priorities/life goals which can cause a strain in addition to how to manage finances.

Perhaps you could speak to him from a place of concern and how you are unhappy with the state of the house?

If that does not work it appears the other options are to live like this for the rest of your life or really push to get what you want in life at the risk of separation.

I've been forced to live in a shit hole

You are in denial about his financial abuse, yet everything you post is about his financial abuse.

Please speak to a financial adviser

I'll tell you what we do, OP. Perhaps it could help as a starting point with DP.

We have a joint account for bills only. Pay a regular amount each in for the direct debits, plus extra for groceries, and a padding amount for irregular expenses like school trips and what have you.

We have joint savings accounts for stuff like the house, car, holidays etc., and treat those savings as one of the 'bills' from the joint account.

We each have separate accounts we are paid into, and spend out of. Clothes, make-up, lunch at work, haircuts, lottery tickets, going to the pub - all that comes from personal accounts so neither of us are looking over the other one's shoulder. We have equal spending money each month.

Use the money to leave. Use the money to set up a pension for you.

You'll be so much happier.

OP, people have repeatedy asked you what your relationship with him is like other than the financial stuff. Is he a good DH in other ways (I very much doubt that), do you love him and want to grow old with him.
If I were you I would be keeping what money I have left and leaving him, he is taking the absolute piss out of you, and you are letting him. If you are not prepared to leave him, find your balls, tell him how it is going to be from now on and tell him if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is. Why are you bowing down to him on this? I genuinely don't understand .

I feel like I’m married in name only and am shouldering the burden if keeping the house up together alone (and prior to inheritance) in a complete shoestring.

Do you want to be with him?

Sorry OP I see you answered my questions earlier and I missed it.

He’s using money to control you - refusing to pay the mortgage so you have to use your inheritance for it, refusing to contribute to bills, keeping you down relative to him. That is abuse.

Does he have good points?

OP, your DH is financially abusive. I was stuck in an abusive relationship with financial abuse included, and finally left with nothing. I'm now tight with money because I have very little once I've looked after the DC, and my ex (sadly we weren't married, my mistake) has not paid any CM since we left. His primary relationship appears to have always been his wallet.

I think you need to leave, because it isn't going to get better. You don't know his salary, or how much he has in savings (and I bet he has savings, whatever he tells you). He doesn't want to support his family, sees you as the cash cow (my ex did that, squirrelled his money away and I ended up with nothing at the end of every month because I was buying everything).

Your husband is financially abusive. There is no doubt. You dont know what he earns, he doesn't share what he see’s as his money.
He will not give you any of the savings he will make
He has stopped paying the mortgage you have to
If the roles were reversed he would spend the lot on himself.

He will never change. Why would you love a cunt like this?

To be honest, i’d leave him but I’m not you.
At the very least you need to read him the riot act!

Honestly I'd pay the mortgage off now because by the sounds of things you're only going to be doing it slowly over the next few years anyway.

Your savings will be split if you divorce anyway. They won't look at who's paid what.

And then even if you carry on paying your 40% of bills you'll be better off because you'll have the extra x amount a month that normally goes on the mortgage.

He does need to properly discuss income with you though.

You have a dead-pan writing style OP. As if this is how it is. Nothing will change. Nothing can change.
Why is that? Why didn't you get the money and think, right, divorce now. I'm not staying with someone who refuses to work as a team and share fairly. Someone who is secretive and closed to discussion.
Why does this man appeal to you? Enough that you are locking in for another 30-40 years by paying your 'exit' money into joint expenses.

Normally paying the mortgage is better but if your property is getting to the point of disrepair where you would struggle to sell it in the condition it’s in, then it isn’t.

I’m not sure how many of us wouldn’t want a big discount for rotting timbers and falling masonry - those problems can snowball.

Boringista the reason I asked is because I don't want to say LTB if that isn't something you can or want to do. Equally, if it is something you would consider then there are practical considerations that need to be made.

Unfortunately, inheritance may be taken into account when assessing joint assets. However, any home improvements that you are making, that could increase the value of your home will also benefit your DH.

Equally, the money could be better used to help you, either with any skills training that could better improve your employment status and your life. Or with counselling either for yourself or as a couple.

If you have children, there are ways of protecting the money through a trust set up just for them. But equally that is no help if you need the money now to fund an escape plan.

The best thing about money is that it gives you options (depending on how much you have inherited). You sound ground down by the whole situation, sometimes we spend so long thinking of others, it almost feels alien to put ourselves first.

How much was the inheritance?

Why do you think you don't deserve better in life?

Boringista

There are lies going on here. You DH is a devious.

You are right to be alarmed at his selfishness.

Million dollar question: If you don't know how much he earns how do you know he has no savings at the end of the month??

You can't be sure of the truth of one figure if you don't have the other figure to hand. He is spinning you a web of lies.

For all you know - and I suspect it is the case, he's squirrelling away the majority of his finances to another account.

He is keeping you on the breadline with no hope of any change because he likes to keep you exactly where you are. He's using money as a psycological tool to control you and your DC.

No wonder he's snipping and bitching about the money. He will burn you back to zero faster than you can say inheritance, to get you exactly where you were the last time and fully in his control. This must have rattled his cage no end. I'm sure your relationship has been on the rocks ever since you came into the money.

If I were you I'd go digging and find out how much he earns. There are ways and means. We aren't women for nothing. Why should he know all your finances and you know none of his. He is devious and hiding something.

In fact I cannot believe you'd be so guillible as to not have found out by now. I wonder what job he does, we could certainly make a stab at his salary on here if you'd like to disclose.

You may be stunned once you discover what he truly earns. And then very very angry. I know I was. Trust me, you need that figure.

And once you have it, you don't disclose your newfound knowledge but it changes everything.

And in future if you decide you want to stay with this strange money-grabbing bastard, then you need to learn how to protect your assets. Never mention a salary raise, never mention how much things are, always behave like you're earning just at the breadline. It doesnt sound like fun.

In the meantime I'd magic up a long-lost student loan letter that's suddenly coming hunting for the exact amount you inherited. Look glum and pained but say you'll have to pay it off. Just do SOMETHING to remove the money out of the two of you and squirrel it away. This I feel is exactly what he's been doing all your marriage.

There's not much trust here, is there?

I would see if you can put a charge on the house so that if anything happens and you have to sell the house then you get your investment back in full before anything else is split.

If you start from an open and equal position of trust with money and finances then a conversation would have been had. It feels like there is an imbalance there.