DH attitude to my inheritance

[Boringista]

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

This just all seems odd to me. DH & I have our own bank accounts but view the money we each earn as a “total” pot of money. We pay various things out of each a/c and money over, is there for either of us/both of us to spend. He’ll give me cash or put money in my a/c and I’ll do the same, as necessary. I don’t think I could live with someone where I was always having to divvy up money according to some ratio. Either you’re a family/partnership or you’re not.

do you see the annual mortgage statement?

Good lord OP - he sounds awful!
This is not a partnership, or any semblance of what a relationship/marriage should be like!
There is so much to unpick here about how you arrange your finances, his abuse of the situation and of you (financially) etc.
If I were you, I would NOT be buying any gifts, holidays, watches, jewellery etc - I'd be keeping that money safe, and saying goodbye to this awful man who doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your relationship.

In my house we dont do 'family money.' We have a joint account for our bills/rent/shared household expenses. We both pay in 50/50 to cover these. We then both have our own bills that we cover such as phones, credit cards etc. He also covers his CMS and I pay for anything to do with my car. As far as we are concerned this works for us. If I were to come into a lump sum and could use it to buy a house/pay off a mortgage then we would have it in writing via a solicitor to protect that amount should we separate. If we were paying 60/40 as you are that would be how the remaining equity would be split. We try to be as fair to each other as possible, while both still being financially independent. Not all households have 'family money' but I would take precautions to protect that sum for the future just in case. If you didn't and you split then you could lose quite a lot! That said it should be a discussion between the two of you, not him demanding or just refusing to pay the mortgage any more because you have this money. That's childish and a bit grabby. Are both names on the mortgage?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy- I dint know WHY but he just didn’t - said he didn’t want to.

What are his reasons - says he’d wants to keep his own money separately.

What is he spending on- his should I know? I don’t follow him around or check his pockets for receipts. Maybe I should.

RedskyAtnight- no the 60/40 split included the mortgage & all other bills

The situation now is that I am still paying 40% of the bills but 100% if mortgage

So you repeatedly keep saying.

What do you want from this thread OP? For all of us to tell you he's a twat? Your 2 sentence posts remind me of another poster who went round in circles, kept repeating themselves and nothing was resolved. What outcome do you want?

*how should I know...

@TheClitterati 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Doesn't bode well.

Is your marriage happy in general? I think this is bullying behaviour.

He could leave you and get half the equity if you sold up, so maybe suggest putting the house on your name only if you pay off the mortgage. That should put the cat along the pigeons.

Do you have DC?
If not and I've understood correctly he's been paying the mortgage plus 60% of bills for years then I can see why he's pissed off

I don't think he's being financially abusive to want to even the scales - I don't see why a grown adult should expect her partner to subsidise her mortgage.
However he is unreasonable not to have had a sensible discussion about it. I suspect he resents paying for things whilst you work P/T

@gamerchick - I am just clarifying for posters who have not RTFT. I’m not deliberately repeating myself!

@Veterinari - at the risk of incurring @gamerchick ‘s displeasure I will say again - I was paying 40% of everything (including mortgage)

(Just helpful if people are commenting on the actual facts...)

Of course gambling includes lottery/cards!

@Boringista fair point, does seem to be some confusion in the thread or thread not being read.

That said, did you want suggestions on how to approach this situation to get more financial clarity?

Or just wanted to vent and have people agree he is being unreasonable?

OP, are you happy with the way finances usually work? You don't feel that it is unfair apart from the mortgage?

(I mean, I think it's absolutely monstrous not to know how much he earns and what money he has left to himself while you only work PT and earn "practically nothing" due to ill health, therefore shouldn't be paying as much as 40%. And that all the bills come from your account, conveniently, so that you're dependent on him paying you... But you don't seem to think that's too bad.)

Having separate accounts only works if you're both honest about what you're earning. (I say that as someone who has separate accounts).
You need to take the heat and emotion out of all this. Arrange an appointment for both of you to meet with a financial adviser - together obviously. Your DH needs to be open about his salary. Then you can start to figure out split for bills, access to money for 'fun', sums for saving and whether there is anything to invest. Paying off the mortgage isn't always the most sensible way to spend an inheritance.
There's no one-size fits all. When DSIS was given a lump sum, she did pay off the mortgage but her DH then paid her some of the money he would have paid into the mortgage so she still had access to extra funds. When I received an inheritance, DH was definite it was mine and I could spend it how I wanted - which ended up going towards a dream holiday we'd always wanted.

I was in a similar situation. My husband and I had planned to buy a house using mainly my inheritance. A good part of the reason I didn’t want to do this was his attitude to money. I put off buying a house and instead we continued to rent. I fell pregnant in that time and he started working less and less and got angry about anything I spent money on for the baby and we were just disagreeing on everything. I knew that if all my money was in a house I’d be reliant on him with a baby and his income and he’d have all the power financially which would not have Been good. It was a bad marriage and I ended up leaving when my son turned three. During that time I spent some of my inheritance in childcare and living expenses but had I not, I would have had a baby, no money and been under his complete control. I have now left with my inheritance and am buying a house on my own. I think sometimes you know insitinctively what will happen. You’re keeping him in the half way house but don’t do it to your own detriment. Limbo is not a good place and it’s an expensive place. See a solicitor, buy your own property and use the rent from it to contribute to the mortgage and living expenses with him. Do not follow his lead on this. Equality is a load of tosh, when your husband is beating you over a head with a sick baby and withholding money and you have no place to go then equality means shit, money in the bank in your name however means something,

This sounds like a really stressful situation Boringista, in an ideal world what outcome would you like?

It doesn't sound like things were ideal before your inheritance, the money has just highlighted the issues. Is this a relationship you want to remain in?

Do you have children together, does he care and provide for them?

@Faithlulu just wanted opinions - I don’t think I’m selfish. Personally I think he’s the selfish one here.

What sort of DH lets the house go rotten and doesn’t prioritise essential maintenance or saving for a rainy day?!

I feel like I’m married in name only and am shouldering the burden if keeping the house up together alone (and prior to inheritance) in a complete shoestring.

ok. Overall he sounds like a twat but there are two key questions:

How much does he earn proportionate to what you earn?

How much does he pay of combined mortgage plus bills compared to the proportion you pay?

Apologies OP (and gamerchick) yes I just saw that. Regardless the point still stands - he's been covering 20% more of all bills for years. It's not unreasonable to expect you to even out the contribution.

You seem to expect him to subsidise your lifestyle and also to keep your own personal money

You haven't mentioned any figures : which is crucial in deciding if he's being unreasonable.

If you inherited £1M and the outstanding mortgage is £50k, then I'd agree with your DH.

If you inherited £10k, and your outstanding mortgage is £150k, then he is being wholly unfair.

That aside, I do find your set up very strange. Now, I know most folk on MN think if you're married everything is shared, I actually would agree with this when you get together young and start out with nothing, but I do think it's entirely different if you get together later in life and bring very different assets to the table.

Do you have kids? If so, I'd say regardless of how long you've been together, he needs to be supporting his family. If not, yes, perhaps a 60/40 split was fair (can't say without knowing figures obviously).

Highly odd that you have no idea what he earns. Why is that? I bet he does have savings. At the very least he will be saving what he used to pay to the mortgage. It suits him to keep you in the dark.

I have no idea why you are letting him get away with this? Tell him you're paying your half of the mortgage, and if he doesn't pay his half you will be going into arrears, which will result eventually in eviction.

My DH is due to inherit a HUGE amount at some stage in the future. I would never just assume that I could stop paying my half towards stuff.

@PoppyFleur I just wanted to talk about it abs see what people thought.

I’m unsure why people are demanding ‘what I wanted from the thread’ as if I’ve offended by posting this.

What does anyone want from a thread?? Opinions, food for thought.... that’s all.

Can I ask why you aren't thinking of leaving him?

you're not wrong @Boringista that's possibly the best interpretation of all this. Your marriage seems to get you a 10 percent top up on the bills to get you to paying 50 percent of them and nothing else. You've got no idea how fair this is as you don't know how much your DH earns.