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Original poster

DH attitude to my inheritance

351 replies

Boringista · 21/01/2020 11:36

I inherited a sum of money a while ago. I work part time and DH (Main earner) works full time

Since I came into receipt of this, DH has stopped paying the mortgage, and said I should pay the mortgage off using the inheritance money. I didn’t want to pay it all off, but instead paid off a lump sum towards it and have been paying the monthly payments out of the remainder for the past 5 months.

We have separate bank accounts, with all the bills coming out of mine. He pays in a set amount each month towards bills (minus the amount for the mortgage).

I don’t think this is very fair but he says I’m being selfish not to (pay the mortgage).

I have spent some of my money on him also buying gifts and a holiday, so don’t think I’ve been selfish.

I have bought a nice watch and several items of jewellery for myself, as I wanted to have something in memory of the person who left me the money.

What do others think?

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 21/01/2020 13:20

OP pays 40% of the bills

(prior to the inheritance) DH paid 60% of the bills and ALL the mortgage

None of us have any idea whether this was a fair split or not.

If some/all of the inheritance is coming off the mortgage the most logical thing to do is to change the bill split (as DH is now paying no/less mortgage). Have you suggested this OP?

SunshineCake · 21/01/2020 13:22

DH was given an inheritance of £10k and I received £2k from my relative. He spent all his on legal fees mainly, actually all the reason was me whereas I spent mine on treating everyone and then saving in my own account.

The difference is we communicated fully. That is the only inheritance I will get whereas he will get more in the future. I've been at home with the children for 18+ years. We are a team.

TheClitterati · 21/01/2020 13:23

sonds like he doesn't want you to have a nest egg - possible escape fund. He prefers it when you are financially dependent on him - think about that.

username9959 · 21/01/2020 13:23

if the house has rotting timbers and falling masonry, my priority would be that, because good luck getting money out of and selling a house in that condition, unless you live in central London where the land value on its own is going to sell it.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 13:24

@RedskyAtnight- no the 60/40 split included the mortgage & all other bills.

The situation now is that I am still paying 40% of the bills but 100% if mortgage.

OP posts:
cabbageking · 21/01/2020 13:24

Is he paying half the bills or all the bills and the mortgage normally?

LizB62A · 21/01/2020 13:25

If you treated the inheritance as if it was earnings from working full time then split the bills and mortage 50/50, how long would your inheritance last ?

If it would last until the mortgage is paid off (or close) then might that be an option as you'd still have your safety net (and ensures that he pays his way and doesn't piss his money away)

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 13:25

Why would he want me financially dependent on him?! Confused he never gives me anything anyway.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2020 13:25

He’s not abusive, just mean!

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it so what is it?. DO not stay with him just because of the kids or even worse what people like your parents or inlaws may do/say if you were to separate.

What is your definition of abuse?. He does not have to hit you to hurt you; he is hurting you financially. You have not heard of financial abuse until today have you?. Doing this gives him power and control over you. He wants YOU to live from month and also wants to keep you in penury.

He is financially abusive towards you and in turn any DC that you have.

LizB62A · 21/01/2020 13:26

@meorthem

Why wouldn't you share all the money?

Because he doesn't share his money

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 13:26

I am currently paying 40% of all bills.
And also paying 100% of mortgage.

Prior to inheritance the mortgage and bills were combined and DH paid 60% and I paid 40%.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2020 13:26

Why would he want me financially dependent on him?!

It gives him power and control over you; this is what abuse is all about.

If you were to look at his parents closely you may well find that his own father treated his mother similarly. Abuse like this is often learnt behaviour.

Faithlulu · 21/01/2020 13:27

@Boringista did you see the mortgage application?

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 13:27

DH does not share his income with me.

and you don't know how much he earns, you're just guessing.

Yet he wants you to pay off the mortgage with your money.

Ask to review all finances, and make it split fairly.

If he won't, leave him.

Seriously. You cannot continue in a marriage where you are being financially abused. You will suffer more the longer it goes on. You will not have a secure old age with a man like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2020 13:28

He is not being open about what he earns and this man does not want to share at all. He is truly both a selfish and self absorbed individual who is acting in his own self interest, not that of his family unit.

Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 13:28

I do remember him saying his father gambled. I don’t think DH does though, unless you count lottery / cards etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boringista · 21/01/2020 13:29

The mortgage application was years ago and he’s now in a new job.

OP posts:
Faithlulu · 21/01/2020 13:31

You should read this article...
www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2020 13:31

There are quite a few questions that you haven't answered, OP.

WHY won't he tell you what he earns?

What are his reasons for not wanting a joint bank account.

What is he spending all his spare cash on!? And if you don't know, why not?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2020 13:31

Was the mortgage application in joint names?.

He is keeping you in the dark deliberately; such men do not want to share at all.

caringcarer · 21/01/2020 13:31

Mortgage is a joint commitment. You can use your inheritance for whatever you want. It was left to you not jointly. Open a separate account and keep it in case you separate if you pay off mortgage then ever separate you will still only get half of value of house. Your h sounds selfish. You have been generous and paid off some of mortgage and bought him gifts and paid for holiday. He sounds a dick. He wants your money to all be spent so you remain financially dependent on him. Think carefully and protect yourself.

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2020 13:32

You don't seem to know what he earns, what he spends his money on, or anything.

And living in a family is more than just 'bills'. How does anything for the DC work? You need to cost up the full true expenses of a year as a family, and get him to pay up more.

Look, if the 'bills' involve anything like his mobile bill, a TV subscription he fancies, anything like that, then tell him you're no longer paying those. Cancel the contracts.

Fuck, he sounds awful, OP. Really.

PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 13:32

Why would he want me financially dependent on him?!he never gives me anything anyway.

So that you can never leave him.
Pure ownership.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2020 13:33

Boringista

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Did your dad treat your mother like you are being treated now?.

TheClitterati · 21/01/2020 13:33

he never gives me anything anyway.

He likes it that you only have your part time earings. Suddenly you have this inheritance/independent wealth - so if you decided you wanted to leave it it is a lot easier to do this if you have some money.

It's a threat to him because he knows his behaviour towards you is despicable & he is being financially abusive, even if you aren't seeing it yet. He perceives your indepdent wealth is a threat to him as it empowers you to be able to leave. When you are poor/without funds it can be much harder to leave.