The 'exclusivity' chat

[Frazzledmum37]

Hi ladies. New to dating after a 10 year marriage. Been single a year and online dating for the last 2 months. Met a lovely guy a month and half ago and we message and call daily. We have seen eachother twice a week since this began and get on so well, shared values etc. We are both still on the dating app and I have told him I don't have sex with anyone until its exclusive (ie neither of us are dating or sleeping with others). He was fine with that. Looks like a spa break is on the horizon and I want to know if he is exclusive with me or not. He asked me if I was on a date last week (I wasnt) and I panicked and told him joking he shouldn't ask that. I then backtracked via message and told him that I would be happy to come off the app if he was, he responded he was only joking about asking about the date. I appreciate its early days but I'm too old for bearing around the bush. Equally I don't want to scare him off.... what do I do?! My gut tells me he might be on a date tonight and that makes me feel a little sick.

Well, you just talk. 'Hey I think this is going well, and I'm not dating anyone else. Are you? I'd like to move it on to the next stage.'

Although I'm of the opinion you definitely do have sex before going exclusive. What if its shit? I think you're probably fairly unusual with this rule.

Tricky. I was always clear that there would no be shagging until we’d agreed exclusively.

Trouble is you never know if they have an fwb or two or are still dating. I think you have to be clear and take a leap of faith. Or create a fake profile and see if they still on the apps.

Yeah, what if the sex is crap?

Try before you buy.

Thanks xx I might just ask him where we meet Sunday. So awkward...don't want to scare him off

With the sex thing, guess I didn't want him to s*ag and run x

You've already said you won't shag before exclusivity - of course you need the chat to shag! If you scare him he's not the guy for you.

OP - anyone can run at any point; after the first shag or the hundredth

I’d want to be exclusive. But I wouldn’t call it ‘the next stage’ or bf/gf. More of an intermediate stage in between us to see how it goes.

There's no guarantee that he won't agree exclusivity just to get in your knickers and dump you after anyway. Or you know, sometimes you like someone well enough, but the chemistry just isn't there in bed. You can't stop this sort of thing from happening, it's a false sense of security.

It won’t bother him running just because you agreed to be exclusive.

If you have sex he can still send a text after saying he’s not feeling it. Waiting until your exclusive doesn’t mean he won’t shag and go.

Or you know, sometimes you like someone well enough, but the chemistry just isn't there in bed

This 100%. I had sex with someone I had a real laugh with and had been chatting to for a month or more. The sex was terrible. I never saw him again.

If he runs it just proves his guilt!
But as pp said, some men are happy or even enjoy playing the long game and then scarpering once they have had sex.

It's a minefield. Think I'll have the chat sooner rather than later.

Stick to your standards. No sex until exclusive. It's not try before you buy. If he's crap in bed, you can always break up. The standards for men have become rock bottom.
Don't worry about scaring anyone off. If they're for real, they'll stick around.

Why would you want to consider exclusive with someone you have not had sex with?

Not exclusive as in boyfriend and girlfriend but as in I'm not going to be that intimate with someone who could potentially be sh*gging most of Bumble. Health reasons plus I don't wanna get that emotionally invested if I'm one of many he is dating, I'd rather know.

I'd hope you're planning on safe sex anyway, surely?

Exclusive meaning we date for a while and if it doesnt work, we date others (like the good old days) rather than we both see others , sh*g others simultaneously. I was fine with him going on dates and staying on the app earlier but now it's ramping up and I like him, I'm not so fine and before I get really intimate, I feel I'd like to understand the playing field

Re the safe sex comment, of course.

Then talk to him. You've been dating six weeks and have seen each other 12 times. I think he's been very patient waiting for sex if indeed he does want to shag you. Doesn't sound like he'd be phased by you casually asking what the score is. I would hope he's keen to move it on!

If he is scared off by you wanting to only have sex with a bloke who isn't sleeping with others then he's not the one for you. No matter how charming he has been so far, who wants a bloke who is still shagging others at the start of a relationship?

I don’t really understand the whole dating rules nowadays. When I was young there was no discussion re exclusivities; there didn’t need to be. If you went on a second date with someone you then stopped dating anyone else. Basic moral code was you didn’t date two people at the same time.

That said, we didn’t have sex just after meeting either and I still find the idea of having sex with someone you barely know abhorrent and high risk. You sound sensible and reasonable. I’d be concerned he wasn’t prepared to be upfront about his commitment or otherwise.

You're making this more difficult than it needs to be. This is someone you've been seeing for a brief time, FGS dont overthink it, just enjoy it and do what feels right when it feels right. I'm assuming he is an emotionally stable mature man with his shit together, in which case does scaring him off come into it?
I would just say to him can we chat about something? I like you and I'm enjoying spending time together. I think I'd prefer to continue this but without any outside distractions. Im interested in seeing where this could go if we concentrate on dating only each other. How do you feel about that?
And the sex thing.....you can have sex when ever you want. Waiting until the exclusivity thing would put to much pressure on it for me. Just go with the flow. Do what feels right when it feels right and cut all the other crap out.

Thanks all. Dates wise we have only been on 8 as he was away for a bit on business. So he called last night to ask if I wanted to stay at his tonight and I casually reiterated the fact I don't sleep with guys who are actively dating others and that when a point is reached when its decided we pause using the app, that's fine. Glad I've has the talk say gut tells me he was on a date earlier in the evening and got back late and that it had gone well. He was online on WhatsApp messaging someone until 1am. Not that he has done anything wrong as he is still single but think I've dodged a bullet. Think this fizzle out anyway as since his 'date' he seems less engaged...apart from asking me over for sex.

Should read "as my gut"