The 'exclusivity' chat

[Frazzledmum37]

Hi ladies. New to dating after a 10 year marriage. Been single a year and online dating for the last 2 months. Met a lovely guy a month and half ago and we message and call daily. We have seen eachother twice a week since this began and get on so well, shared values etc. We are both still on the dating app and I have told him I don't have sex with anyone until its exclusive (ie neither of us are dating or sleeping with others). He was fine with that. Looks like a spa break is on the horizon and I want to know if he is exclusive with me or not. He asked me if I was on a date last week (I wasnt) and I panicked and told him joking he shouldn't ask that. I then backtracked via message and told him that I would be happy to come off the app if he was, he responded he was only joking about asking about the date. I appreciate its early days but I'm too old for bearing around the bush. Equally I don't want to scare him off.... what do I do?! My gut tells me he might be on a date tonight and that makes me feel a little sick.

I agree with LadyLimpet too, it’s Men’s actions that cause us to think this way.

I meant to say I agreed with @annielouise!

I agree with other pp too, getting mixed up!

So, I messaged him and he says he still wants to get to know me better and wants to take me out again when he is back. What a head f**k.

What did you say in your message to him? The one he replied to with that I mean?

Basically that I didn't want to progress things whilst he shops around for a better option. That it had been fun but wasn't what I was liking for and therefore wanted to part company.

No that’s not fair. Don’t accept that. It’s like you’re on trial.

You've made your decision then OP, are you going to stick to it?

Don't be reliant on the other person making up their mind about you when you've obviously been in different headspaces.

Well I was set but now wondering if I'm rushing things in that it has only been a few weeks really. I don't know. I mean how long does it take a guy who is dating to decide to stop dating around and be exclusive with one person...
One thing I have done is arrange a date with someone else. I'm not hanging about and waiting.

You're right not to hang around waiting but if I was him I absolutely would not go exclusive with someone I'd only been on eight dates with and hadn't slept with. No way I would be committing to something after a handful of dates and no intimacy.

Most people on here will say stick to your boundaries but I think you're asking an awful lot personally.

Just seen you've got another date lined up. How can you be annoyed he has done similarly?! You've asked him to be exclusive (a big ask!) and now he says he has to think (he's allpwed his own boundaries) you're going after someone else! Be consistent

And in answer to your question about how long does someone need to go exclusive - it varies but I reckon four months of solid dating/hanging out/sex for me. Maybe more or less depending on circumstances

He's being honest so if you like him, carry on seeing him but don't get invested until you know that you're exclusive. It takes me a long time to like someone. He's putting in a lot of effort to see you and isn't lying to you to get a shag. But carry on dating other people. That's what I'm doing. Not going to get over invested in someone I barely know.

Newnamewhodis1 I was ready personally to see him for a bit and hold off dates with others to see where it could go. He isn't and has told me so, I'm therefore not going to sit around in an ivory tower waiting for him to reach a decision, I'm going to get back on the horse and see others too.

'Nah, so long and thanks for all the fish'

Then block his game playing sweet shop mentality arse

So an update. After the "I'm still dating around" chat, I finished with him. He told me he liked me and enjoyed our time but that he couldn't commit due to not knowing whether or not he was going to relocate abroad for a month (which I knew he was toying with previously). I told him again i thought we wanted different things, giving him an 'out' and he responded he wanted to carry on seeing me and that he liked me. I replied that maybe we should have a face to face conversation about expectations. The levels of contact have slowly decreased and I get the vibe he has gone off me entirely... these games! Just let me go then when I give you a way out then?!

I don't understand why you are giving him the power to decide whether to 'let you go' or not. You're making yourself really powerless for some reason.

Why are you waiting for him to make up his mind? He's got exactly what he wants and you're waiting for him to want you enough. Don't do that to yourself.

If after 6 weeks you are still on apps I would be wary. If it's meant to be you know surely ... in my case he deleted his in the car after our first date!

I still maintain all this is stupid until whether you know he's a decent shag!

@NaughtyLittleElf

Yes but the speed varies... after a month we were inseparable, I would marry him except for the minor issue of both of us being technically married to other people due to Britain's arcane divorce laws! If it's right it's quick

Stick to your standards. You barely know him after only eight dates and @cherrypavlova is talking some old-fashioned sense.

I agree with the others. Move on. He wants sex but isn't willing to make you his only relationship to see how it goes. That's a pretty low bar that he's failed.

He can't "let you go" because he doesn't have you!

Don't give him a "way out", find your own way out!

You sound lovely but I want to shake you OP, you're a grown woman - take control of your life and ownership of your decisions.

You've been seeing each other two months and have had a number of conversations in which is has explicitly said he doesn't want to be exclusive.

He's been honest rather than playing games, it's just every time you've set a boundary he's proposed another one and you've accepted it / carried on seeing him.

He's said he likes you and wants to carry on seeing you but doesn't want to be exclusive. That's honest.

You are playing games in that you want something different to what you know is on the table.

You absolutely do want to see him exclusively but aren't walking away despite knowing he doesn't want that and him communicating that over and over again.

Why are you giving him so much headspace? It's not a big drama - you have known him for eight weeks and want different things. Meh, life goes on.