The 'exclusivity' chat

[Frazzledmum37]

Hi ladies. New to dating after a 10 year marriage. Been single a year and online dating for the last 2 months. Met a lovely guy a month and half ago and we message and call daily. We have seen eachother twice a week since this began and get on so well, shared values etc. We are both still on the dating app and I have told him I don't have sex with anyone until its exclusive (ie neither of us are dating or sleeping with others). He was fine with that. Looks like a spa break is on the horizon and I want to know if he is exclusive with me or not. He asked me if I was on a date last week (I wasnt) and I panicked and told him joking he shouldn't ask that. I then backtracked via message and told him that I would be happy to come off the app if he was, he responded he was only joking about asking about the date. I appreciate its early days but I'm too old for bearing around the bush. Equally I don't want to scare him off.... what do I do?! My gut tells me he might be on a date tonight and that makes me feel a little sick.

You haven't had the talk though , have you as he has not indicated how he feels about it ? You are still guessing about what he is up to.

I'm so bad at this!!

@CherryPavlova - I think your “moral code” goes back to the days when it was that that sex was something men “did” to women and denied that women had needs.

The “code”was often a sexist tool.

Sister and l are both in our 40s. She has been married for years to someone she had sex with, within 2 hours of meeting; they met at wedding in an hotel. There is no right time, it’s about passion and chemistry.

StarlightLady There is a difference between needs and wishes.

Yes, it’s probably seen as old fashioned but having sex as soon as looking at someone and having multiple partners at the same time is very high risk behaviour. I don’t think because you waited until you knew a little about each other that it meant women were necessarily done unto. I think understanding each other leads to greater equality.

So what did he say when you said that @Frazzledmum37?

He said he got it and that he agreed in that he wouldn't want to sleep with a woman who could potentially be sleeping with others. But no mention of me in that or us. I stupidly didn't question further.

He wanted to book a hotel tonight. I'm seriously wavering as I sense he is cooling off after whatever he was doing last night; that he has had his head turned. We are meeting tomorrow so will be interesting to see how that plays out

So you've been clear you won't have sex with him until you're both not dating Other people - but when he asked you were on a date with someone else you told him he couldn't ask that?

When he asked you over to his place And you reiterated your 'no sex till we're exclusive' piece how did he respond?

It sounds as though the exclusivity thing for you now is about emotional involvement, regardless of sex.

And no, I wouldn't use the phrase 'next stage' or 'taking it up a level'.

So you mentioned again about not sleeping with him til your exclusive and he never actively agreed right there and then after 8 dates to go exclusive...

When I had my first date with my current boyfriend we decided there and then we were both coming off the apps. If it's meant to be then it should be easy - he asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of weeks after that first date and we've been together 6 months. You should join the dating thread - there's lots of advice and knowledge

Perhaps next time you repeat the no sex until we’re exclusive, you should add “so I presume we’re exclusive?” You have implied that you’re not ready for exclusive by not wanting to stay over.

Generally these days you move from dating to exclusivity dating (so only seeing each other but still only dating) to exclusive, then bf/gf/relationship, the last might happen together) so several stages, which I understand is alien to anyone who's been in a relationship for the last 20 years, it was to me when I was first single. It works though, if you communicate properly you know exactly where stand, if you play games and don't answer questions like "were you on a date ..." honestly it doesn't work.

Personally if I liked someone enough to go on 8 dates I'd be wanting to have sex with him, if he ended things after sex then his loss and I had some nice dates and hopefully some good sex.

The idea that a woman lets a man have sex with her and then he's won, or whatever that nonsense is belongs in some previous decade.

So because he was on WhatsApp u til 1am you think he is chatting to another date ?
Maybe he’s just chatting to his mates ?
It sounds like if you do become exclusive you will be monitoring him all the time and prob push him away anyway !

@NaughtyLittleElf what's the difference between exclusively dating and exclusive?!

He already knows you don't want to shag until exclusive.

He asks you to stay over - implying he wants to shag you.

You knock him back - what you said has been interpreted as you're not ready to go exclusive.

Why are you making this so hard OP?

Do you actually want to shag him?

If so, text/call and say, 'hey I would LOVE to stay over tonight. Sorry if what I said wasn't clear yesterday - I'm not seeing anyone else. If you're not either lets do tonight! I'll bring the wine.'

CHILL OUT.

I think you are giving him mixed messages - TELL HIM you want to be exclusive with him. From his point of view it seems like you aren’t ready to be exclusive - as you knocked him back yesterday. I also agree with a PP that he was prob talking to mates at 1am on Whatsapp last night. Good luck!

It's a rock and a hard place risk, telling them you don't have sex unless it's exclusive. Because a lot of them then pretend to want something exclusive. Then backtrack once you've slept with them once or twice.

What does your gut tell you about him?

For me, if was dating again. I'd sleep with them whenever it 'felt' right. And just treat it as fun. That way, if they left I wouldn't be all broken up about it. If you create rules around sex, some guys just take it as a challenge. Best to find out which ones are wasting your time before you invest your heart.

Obviously don't do anything you aren't comfortable with though.

He sounds keen though. And I would definitely have the exclusivity talk asap.

I hope you're getting shagged sideways right now OP?

I went with him to a hotel last night . He told me he is dating other people. He knows my stance on things.... not sure he feels the same way so may be chalking this one up to experience.

So you shagged him anyway?

So you slept with him knowing he is dating other people? Hope you feel ok today. I find the day after sex can be a minefield of emotions. Especially given what he has told you.

Didn't sleep with him luckily.

That news killed the passion somewhat.

Place marking

What's that mean?