The 'exclusivity' chat

[Frazzledmum37]

Hi ladies. New to dating after a 10 year marriage. Been single a year and online dating for the last 2 months. Met a lovely guy a month and half ago and we message and call daily. We have seen eachother twice a week since this began and get on so well, shared values etc. We are both still on the dating app and I have told him I don't have sex with anyone until its exclusive (ie neither of us are dating or sleeping with others). He was fine with that. Looks like a spa break is on the horizon and I want to know if he is exclusive with me or not. He asked me if I was on a date last week (I wasnt) and I panicked and told him joking he shouldn't ask that. I then backtracked via message and told him that I would be happy to come off the app if he was, he responded he was only joking about asking about the date. I appreciate its early days but I'm too old for bearing around the bush. Equally I don't want to scare him off.... what do I do?! My gut tells me he might be on a date tonight and that makes me feel a little sick.

With men, or anybody really then it’s about their actions and not their words.

Ok, he has just changed his location on Hinge ..... I don't think it changes automatically?! I'm sending the message now.

What’s Hinge?

A dating app

Is this location change to pick up women in a different area?

Meet women I mean

Sounds like he's been 'love bombing' you.

Yeah I think when your gut is so specific that it can say 'he's just had a date that's gone well', you know he's a shit.

Correct.

Don’t let him know that your hurt OP

I'm gutted.

Men...some men.

I understand and I had something similar a few months back and I’m still hurt.

Just message now and say that it was nice meeting him but your actually not ready for a relationship and that you have now realised that your glad that he wasn’t ready either otherwise you’d be messing him about, and then just leave it at that.

So either he will: text reply you 'OK'. As if things didn't even matter. To get you to feel shit and question yourself. OR text you in a wat that implies he actually 'wasn't interested in you anyway' or general dickishness.OR suddenly switch and say he wants a relationship.

Be ready! Stay strong!

I wouldn’t want to go on an overnighter until I was in a relationship and we were both off the site.
Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet.
I’ve got a few friends on these sites, my male friends seem to have much more luck in finding someone genuine than my female ones.
I think once you’ve dated a few times, over a few months that’s it, isn’t it? If you stay on ... why?
His loss x

I'd say something like "Following our talk yesterday, I've realised we're not on the same page, so I'll call it a day here. All the best, [frazzled]"

Yes @Frazzledmum37 it looks like you have to log in to binge in a Different location for that to change.
What did you say when you messaged him?
Don't feel of this as a loss. Think of this as reminder how strong your instincts are and how well you enforced your boundaries.

He's away for a week with work and he's changed his location on the dating app, presumably so he can meet women while he's away? Text him now and tell him you've had a blast, but you're done now, all the best. Then block his number and move on.

When you meet a man who wants the same as you, there won't be this uncertainty. He lovebombed you in the hope of getting a shag and when one wasn't forthcoming, he's distanced himself. He's on the app for footloose fancy-free shagging, and not for a long term exclusive relationship.

Bullet dodged.

I would send something like:

From our discussions yesterday, it seems clear that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with me. If I've mis-interpretated that, do let me know, but otherwise, let's call it a day here as we are looking for different things.

I have never done OLD but I don’t understand the rules here. It’s okay for a man you've seen 8 times to be meeting other women on dates and shagging then at the same time as seeing you? I couldn’t do that.

Thanks xx The location he changed it to isn't even where he is going on business. So assuming he is just in a coffee shop somewhere scanning the local offering, which is worse!!

Ouch if she says that then he may say ‘well I’m still deciding on whether I want a relationship’ and then this could make it go back to square one and esp with the fact that the OP likes him.

Oh op. It's the pits isn't it? I learnt the hard way. It shouldn't be that hard..if you're right for each other there's none of this. Happened to me many times. Men appeared really keen, then they'd go off the boil, but keep you on the back burner. They're like kids in a sweet shop! If I ever did online dating again, I wouldn't waste my time on guys like this. You truly know if they're into you... there's no games. I don't care much for this modern dating. If I like someone, I pursue that until it's end, whenever that is! There's nothing more insulting, than having been on dates with someone, and you realise there still out there looking. Might be normal to some folk, but it just smacks of, they're looking for something better?! I don't know. But don't give up, and give this one the heave ho.

"The idea that a woman lets a man have sex with her and then he's won, or whatever that nonsense is belongs in some previous decade."

But so many women come on these threads saying they think they had sex too early and he's ghosted her straight after and she's really hurt as it seems he wanted one thing - so it doesn't belong in a previous decade. Women of all ages continue to get hurt by men. By and large things haven't changed - men can more easily emotionally have no strings sex. If that's what the woman wants too that's fine but it still happens that a woman thinks a relationship is going somewhere when it's not, and might not have had sex with him if they didn't think it would turn into a relationship.

I agree with you ladylimpet.