The 'exclusivity' chat

[Frazzledmum37]

Hi ladies. New to dating after a 10 year marriage. Been single a year and online dating for the last 2 months. Met a lovely guy a month and half ago and we message and call daily. We have seen eachother twice a week since this began and get on so well, shared values etc. We are both still on the dating app and I have told him I don't have sex with anyone until its exclusive (ie neither of us are dating or sleeping with others). He was fine with that. Looks like a spa break is on the horizon and I want to know if he is exclusive with me or not. He asked me if I was on a date last week (I wasnt) and I panicked and told him joking he shouldn't ask that. I then backtracked via message and told him that I would be happy to come off the app if he was, he responded he was only joking about asking about the date. I appreciate its early days but I'm too old for bearing around the bush. Equally I don't want to scare him off.... what do I do?! My gut tells me he might be on a date tonight and that makes me feel a little sick.

I had nothing to add to thread so wanted to watch it so I place marked it, I assume that place mark means what I think it does

Anyway at least he was honest with you in that he could’ve slept with you and then said he was dating others, maybe he is dating because you don’t want to be exclusive yet?

Place marking means the person is intending to come back to the thread. Don't know why they don't just "watch" it, but anyway.

At least you know for sure. I don't know why you did the embarrassed emoji - you've done nothing to be embarrassed about. Are you dropping him?

Inappropriatefemale he now knows how I feel and that I want to be exclusive.

I didn’t know you could watch a thread if you hadn’t posted on it.

See I’m like you in that casual sex does nothing for me, I prefer steady relationship sex but I always have sex with guys before I’m ready and it’s always shit the first time (due to my not being ready) but it always gets better.

Do you feel the same?

Not sure if I'm dropping him but not going to put as much hope/ effort/ focus on him. He said he wants a week to see how he feels on the exclusivity point (he is away on business) but I sense I might be ghosted or receive a "thanks but no thanks" text. That said, he was very sweet last night and took me out for a lovely brunch. I've just got a sense though.

Well at least you didn’t sleep with him which will surely make the ghosting (if it happens) easier.

Good for you sticking to your boundaries diaries. What did he say about being exclusive? 9 dates with you is quite a lot to still be actively dating others imho.

I just think that at least he is honest about dating others.

Oh drop him - if he needs a week to think about whether he wants to be with you, he's nowhere near keen enough. Don't hang on for his answer, just text him and say you're done.

Notcoolmum agreed. And 20 messages a day/ daily calls etc.

Yeah infact text him and say your done before he does.

Oh drop him - if he needs a week to think about whether he wants to be with you, he's nowhere near keen enough. Don't hang on for his answer, just text him and say you're done.

Oh god OP please listen to this - you aren't on the same page because you are ready to decide not see other people, whereas he isn't ready to decide that.

Neither is right or wrong but you aren't equally invested in each other so please don't wait around for him to think about it!

You already know you aren't on the same page, onwards and upwards.

IME if it's taken up headspace like this has for you and you've had to agonise over it a bit / felt anxious etc, it's not a goer!

Yeah sounds like he is stringing you along for the ego boost. I mean seeing other girls whilst texting you that much ect...it's player behaviour. And asking for yet another week to think is like he is putting you on the back foot and setting you up to feel 'never quite enough' if things did continue.

I think I'd bin him now.
And don't be surprised when you do if he suddenly either becomes a total dickhead OR acts like he intact IS super interested, in order to keep things going.

*infact

I really like him . But think you ladies are right. I suck at this dating malarkey. Really thought he was keen.

I bloody hate when you like them and they don’t feel as strongly.

Anyone want to help me compose a message?

Well he could always get in touch and surprise you, you never know!

Tell him someone wonderful has snapped you up!

But you don't trust him, right? And he's fannying you around. I think, no matter how much we like someone, we still have to respect ourself more.

Trust your gut. Hearts pull towards romance and heads over-think. He doesn't seem to be a very nice person. He tried to bed you without agreeing to exclusively, even though he knew that was tour boundary. Not cool. He just isn't a nice person. And it sounds like maybe he likes himself more than he could ever like a woman.

He wants a week to think about it? Charming! I wouldn’t hang around waiting. Make the decision for him.

Another one bites the dust . I've had a great almost 2 months with him. Messaging him now....part of me wants to wait to see if he messages me in case I've got him wrong. My gut tells me this isn't the case though.

FrazzledMum you sound exactly like me in that respect, maybe wait 24 hours then but then you must do it at this time tomorrow otherwise he will think you are just there when he feels like it.

Why do us women seem to always get more invested in men than men get invested in us?

I know... he was the super keen one even talking about mini breaks until Friday night when I had a 6th sense he was on a date that had gone well... hence my original post. I was probably right on that front with hindsight.