How can I tell if he’s a narcissist?

[SillySupply]

I have name changed.

I have a long standing ‘friend’ who I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist and/or is exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, or whether he’s just not a very nice person who isn’t interested in a relationship with me.

In the beginning he showered me with attention and I felt amazing. It’s like he was the first man I had ever met who was genuinely interested in me as a person. He wanted to know everything about me. I thought that we were attracted to each other but we both had partners at that stage so nothing concrete happened.

Over time he always gave me enough crumbs to keep me interested. Then about 6 months ago he changed somewhat and did less of the initiating of conversations and meetings. I hadn’t changed at all. It was like he had got tired of me for no apparent reason.

He shows no empathy. He wanted me to do a couple of things that I wasn’t comfortable doing but he pushed and pushed until I went along with it.

I suspect that he just really wanted my attention all along but now has no need for it.

I’m really confused. Does he sound like a narcissist?

Yep, just google narcissist & you’ll get loads of info. Quora is really good for it. My ex is a complete narcissist, they are the most soul destroying people & should be locked up for what they do to people’s lives. RUN while you can

Thanks. I have been reading about narcissists loads but I don’t know if he really fits that picture or if I’m just demonising him because he clearly doesn’t want to be with me. In the past I have thought that maybe he’s a narcissist or mean or cruel or whatever but then I see him in person and he’s so lovely, handsome, warm, funny, etc. And then I think maybe I was just kidding myself. Actually he’s wonderful but just doesn’t want me???

Are there any sure fire signs? I know the lovebombing and lack of empathy are typical. But surely that can happen in a normal relationship too??

He also accidentally called me one of his admirers. And another time said that I was very easy to influence 😳.

I should also add that I’m a chilled out person who others describe as very kind. I think I have high levels of empathy.

I have a long standing ‘friend’ who I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist and/or is exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, or whether he’s just not a very nice person who isn’t interested in a relationship with me.

Why does it matter exactly what flavour of bell end he is?

Ha!

I suppose it matters because I currently feel really awful and totally rejected. If that’s because he’s a narcissist rather than because I just wasn’t good enough then that helps me. Was I just not pretty enough, slim enough, funny enough, clever enough, sassy enough???

I think you were not stupid enough to be duped by him

Another thing is that he has a friend who did something that he disapproves of morally. He’s making it a bit of a mission to teach that person a lesson rather than just think that it’s none of his business.

He gets a lot of moral outrage generally. He’s not religious and not perfect himself.

I think you were not stupid enough to be duped by him
But I haven’t acted any differently. How would he know this?

Another thing is that in the beginning he was full of praise and compliments about me. Then for no apparent reason he started negging me a bit. Now it’s like I barely exist.

'He gets a lot of moral outrage generally'. Well now he can be morally outraged at someone else. And you can go and find someone who actually wants to have a longer term relationship with you and doesn't treat you like their shadow.

I wouldn't worry about whether or not he's a narcissist either, just chalk it up to experience and run away. Fast.

Well now he can be morally outraged at someone else.
He’s never morally outraged by me because I’m a typical ‘good girl’.

I wouldn't worry about whether or not he's a narcissist either, just chalk it up to experience and run away. Fast.

I think it would help me to know and will help me to pine for him less.

Ok, so let’s say he isn’t a narcissist. Why would that mean there’s something wrong with you that is causing him to be an asshole to you? Even if you had some kind of ‘flaw‘ that doesn’t give anyone the right to mess you about and play games. Even if you looked like the back end of a bus it would be zero reason for anyone who was a decent person to treat you badly.

I know that I will sound pathetic here but I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want me.

I have been told that I’m attractive, he has told me himself that he thinks I’m beautiful. I’m more conventionally attractive than his most recent ex.

We have a huge overlap in interests unlike anyone I have ever met before.

I’ve seen him looking all doe eyed at me before. When I went away for a long time he cried.

I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him. It’s a massive head f¥ck.

He’s cold, cruel, heartless, selfish, emotionless. He would agree with that list. I have no idea why I love someone like that. I must be really damaged. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want me, because I have the capacity to love him. And maybe he hates himself.

'He wanted me to do a couple of things that I wasn’t comfortable doing but he pushed and pushed until I went along with it.'

What happened? Of course, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. xxxxx

'He also accidentally called me one of his admirers. And another time said that I was very easy to influence'

Ohhh, I don't like to call someone a narcissist usually as I think the word is thrown around too much, but this is classic narc, bigging himself up and putting you down etc. Who but a narc talks about having admirers?

'Another thing is that in the beginning he was full of praise and compliments about me. Then for no apparent reason he started negging me a bit. Now it’s like I barely exist.'

Hmm, IMHO, he'll be back, 'hoovering' you in. That'd be the stereotypical narc behaviour. Don't let him.

'Another thing is that he has a friend who did something that he disapproves of morally. He’s making it a bit of a mission to teach that person a lesson rather than just think that it’s none of his business.

He gets a lot of moral outrage generally. He’s not religious and not perfect himself.'

I'm no expert but IMO this may be some other personality disrder trait, Borderline or something, the desire for revenge. A lot of people (esp personality disordered people) have a mixture of different traits. Of course it could be 'just' another narc thing, his ego somehow feels threatened by this friend, and wants to bring him down a peg or two to make himself feel better. Is his friend more conventionally attractive or successful than him or something?

I think your instincts are right. He's already used his charisma/your vulnerability to manipulate you into doing stuff you didn't really want to. He could make you do something worse next time, or take advantage, or generally fuck you up. I would keep him at arm's length.

Thanks Interested.

What happened? Of course, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
I think it’s too outing to say but he wanted me to do something. I said I really didn’t want to. I said it’s difficult for me. He said it’s not difficult and railroaded me into it. It’s something that involved disrespecting a third person and I just didn’t want to do that, mostly to protect myself. He didn’t see the problem with it and disregarded my feelings. Then it happened twice more. I could have put my foot down but I knew he would say we couldn’t be friends anymore otherwise and I didn’t want to lose him so sucked it up.

Who but a narc talks about having admirers?
Yeah, I thought it sounded off. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t deny it but just looked away and we changed the subject.

Hmm, IMHO, he'll be back, 'hoovering' you in. That'd be the stereotypical narc behaviour. Don't let him.
He has weirdly high levels of pride and fear of rejection (imho). He doesn’t seem to like initiating contact, even when it reflects badly on him to not initiate contact. For example if I was seriously ill and he needed to check on me. So I don’t think he’ll try to hoover me up. I think he’ll just discard me.

'I don’t know why I’m not good enough for him. '

Because he can never acknowledge that anyone else is his equal. maybe. He wouldn't want an equal, he'd want someone he can use as a puppet. I fear he'll be back, though.

'He’s cold, cruel, heartless, selfish, emotionless. He would agree with that list. I have no idea why I love someone like that.'

Heathcliff! It's classic isn't it, that such a man has a certain magnatism? Many romantic anti-heroes in literature, film etc are like that. Christian Grey- maybe you're a bit of a submissive? It's also to an extent what we're told a man is- toxic masculinity.

'I must be really damaged. '

Was our father emotionally unavailable? Or were there other unpleasant childhood experiences? I think unless you have a pattern of getting into these guys like I do, you could just chalk this one up to having met someone who's a narcissistic twat. If it's a pattern, or you're really worried about this one, you could see a therapist and discuss your feelings etc. xxx

his ego somehow feels threatened by this friend, and wants to bring him down a peg or two to make himself feel better. Is his friend more conventionally attractive or successful than him or something?

His friend had an affair and my friend was very upset and angry about it and he wants to teach them a lesson. My view is that it’s his friend’s business. His view is that it’s his job to teach them a lesson.

He's cold, cruel, heartless, selfish, emotionless. He would agree with that list.

When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

I just don't understand why he doesn't want me.

Thank your lucky stars that he doesn't. Why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with someone who openly admits that they are cold, cruel, heartless, selfish and emotionless, and who makes it a mission to teach people a lesson?

He would make your life hell.

*'your father' of course lol- tho mine kind of was too