Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I tell if he’s a narcissist?

110 replies

SillySupply · 16/01/2020 17:45

I have name changed.

I have a long standing ‘friend’ who I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist and/or is exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, or whether he’s just not a very nice person who isn’t interested in a relationship with me.

In the beginning he showered me with attention and I felt amazing. It’s like he was the first man I had ever met who was genuinely interested in me as a person. He wanted to know everything about me. I thought that we were attracted to each other but we both had partners at that stage so nothing concrete happened.

Over time he always gave me enough crumbs to keep me interested. Then about 6 months ago he changed somewhat and did less of the initiating of conversations and meetings. I hadn’t changed at all. It was like he had got tired of me for no apparent reason.

He shows no empathy. He wanted me to do a couple of things that I wasn’t comfortable doing but he pushed and pushed until I went along with it.

I suspect that he just really wanted my attention all along but now has no need for it.

I’m really confused. Does he sound like a narcissist?

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:00

Are you sure this post isn't a way of trying to get tips to attract him to you more.
Possibly. I still feel attracted to him. I still want him to desire me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:01

CambsAlways 🤣

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 16/01/2020 21:02

@Interestedwimsn they wouldn't seek help for anything as other people are the ones who are wrong. However they aren't apparently the only personality type who do this...

Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:04

Are narcs good liars? My friend is an unnervingly good liar. I have witnessed him lie and he is extremely convincing in an almost scary way. I have never seen this before. I don’t think he lies more than anyone else but he lies better than anyone else.

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 16/01/2020 21:05

OP just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you.

I had to put a guy off me as though we were attracted to one another I knew any relationship would be destructive.

RLEOM · 16/01/2020 21:13

What is he like when he talks about his ex? How have his family been about it? If it's a negative answer to both questions, just remember it could be you on the receiving end, getting the same treatment.

This man sounds like he could ruin you, please don't get with him. He's showing you he's a good liar - that in itself is a big no-go. Don't think he's going to treat you any different once the novelty wears off.

Listen to the red flags, don't ignore them.

Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:17

I think the novelty of me has worn off and that’s what I’m on the receiving end of now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:23

First ex girlfriend: his story about why they broke up changed several times. Most recently he said he doesn’t know why but was too proud to ask. He said she was beautiful. I think they were only together for 6 months and in that time he tried to break up with her first.

Second ex he showed me a picture of and she was stunning. They were together for years. She broke up with him. Again he was unsure why but too proud to ask. He said he got over it in a couple of days (same for first girlfriend). He said she was a bit of a nightmare but nice to him.

Third ex I don’t know much about but I think it was a brief fling.

Most recent ex a lot less attractive than number 2. Together for many years. Very timid. He has never said a bad word about her but rarely mentioned her even when together.

He generally doesn’t talk about them as he makes me feel like I’m the only woman in his life, which is clearly nonsense.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:24

He could ruin me. Yes. I think he partly already has. His existence destroyed my last relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:25

How have his family been about what? I haven’t met them.

OP posts:
mashaetmichka · 16/01/2020 21:27

What did he lie about?!

Also - what did he get you to do which disrespected a third party?! Was it disclosing info you had?

I think (subject to your replies on the above) that he has shifted how he thinks about you and has in himself moved away from you and there is nothing you can do about it, other than examine yourself. You could try to label him a narcissist but what help is that to you? There is quite a lot about him you don't understand, and you won't understand unless you get a better understanding of yourself. Is what I think.

lazylinguist · 16/01/2020 21:31

Tbh this is beginning to sound a bit dramatic and self-indulgent, as though asking about whether he's a narcissist is just a way of indulging your desire to talk about him and obsess about him. He sounds like an utter arrogant twat tbh. This 'women who can't resist an arrogant bastard' thing is a tired old trope. You're a grown-up - make a healthy choice for your life and step away from this man.

Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:33

What did he lie about?!
Nothing that exciting. White lies really but lies nonetheless.

Also - what did he get you to do which disrespected a third party?! Was it disclosing info you had?
I don’t want to say as it’s too outing. Again nothing that exciting but it was something I felt uncomfortable about and he disregarded my feelings completely in favour of his.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:35

I think (subject to your replies on the above) that he has shifted how he thinks about you and has in himself moved away from you and there is nothing you can do about it, other than examine yourself.
I think you’re right. I haven’t changed though. Maybe it has become more obvious how I feel about him over time.

OP posts:
mashaetmichka · 16/01/2020 21:36

If it is just a white lie it won't be outing - what sort of white lie - did he say "I like your dress" to someone when you knew really he didn't?

pineing · 16/01/2020 21:36

Why do you think his ex became a timid shell of her former self?

I'll tell you. Because he destroyed her.

Don't be his next victim.

Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:38

lazylinguist I don’t deny it. I do enjoy talking about him, trying to understand why he is the way he is, why he has changed.
You’re right, I need to protect myself.
The thing is that I didn’t fall for a bstard. In the beginning he was utterly lovely to me and I got hooked. For the first 6 months it was like we were fascinated by each other. Then it changed very slightly. And now more recently it’s like he doesn’t give a sh!t.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:41

White lies:

Someone told him something about a friend. Then another person separately told him the same thing and he acted like he had no idea about it but it was freakily convincing.

When I invited him to something once and he didn’t want to go and he pretended he had already made plans.

He told someone that something didn’t work out, like a house purchase, for X reason when I knew it was for Y reason.

That kind of thing. Basically too boring to go into details!

OP posts:
ThatThereWoman · 16/01/2020 21:42

if he's a narcissist, he will be very familiar with the idealise, devalue, discard cycle.

It sounds like you're in he devalue stage. There is nothing to compare with the idealise part of the cycle. You will feel amazing, loved, like you've found a soulmate. That's what hooks you.

It's irrelevant what you label him. If he's treating you badly, if you're not happy, if you can see red flags. Then go.

if he's a narc, he'll discard you soon anyway. And there's nothing so painful as that.

And yes, I'd say lack of empathy is a pretty sure sign of something majorly wrong with him.

Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:42

Because he destroyed her.
Yes I thought that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:45

I hadn’t heard of the idealise, devalue, discard cycle but I think I’m in it. I think I was way up there in idealise for a year. It was incredible and yes I thought he was my soulmate. About 6 months ago I think he started to devalue me with criticisms, put downs, negging. Now I think I’m in discard.

How does the discard phase play out? Does he just disappear?

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:45

He has no empathy

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySupply · 16/01/2020 21:48

Another example of him lying of sorts. I knew he was in a really really bad mood and was having a terrible day but in front of someone else he was as bright and happy as anything. When they left the room (not someone he’s attracted to) he went straight back to his true self. So the front he had put on was just that but it was very very convincing. I had thought he’d totally perked up but it was a complete act and a very convincing one.

OP posts:
blacksax · 16/01/2020 21:49

Oh come on. Wake up and smell the coffee.

He says he doesn't know why his previous relationships broke up, and he was too proud to ask? What utter bollocks. He knows exactly why they broke up, but he sure as hell isn't going to tell you that he was a complete bastard, they reached the end of their tether and couldn't stand the way he treated them any more.

It's not your job to fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. As far as he's concerned he is marvellously fine and dandy as he is.

Don't make a martyr of yourself.

pineing · 16/01/2020 21:55

it was a complete act and a very convincing one You've seen him do it. You've seen him in action with your own eyes.

You've experienced it too. Think back to how he was with you at the beginning of your relationship. It was all an act to reel you in. The person he is now is the real him.