How can I tell if he’s a narcissist?

[SillySupply]

I have name changed.

I have a long standing ‘friend’ who I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist and/or is exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, or whether he’s just not a very nice person who isn’t interested in a relationship with me.

In the beginning he showered me with attention and I felt amazing. It’s like he was the first man I had ever met who was genuinely interested in me as a person. He wanted to know everything about me. I thought that we were attracted to each other but we both had partners at that stage so nothing concrete happened.

Over time he always gave me enough crumbs to keep me interested. Then about 6 months ago he changed somewhat and did less of the initiating of conversations and meetings. I hadn’t changed at all. It was like he had got tired of me for no apparent reason.

He shows no empathy. He wanted me to do a couple of things that I wasn’t comfortable doing but he pushed and pushed until I went along with it.

I suspect that he just really wanted my attention all along but now has no need for it.

I’m really confused. Does he sound like a narcissist?

Because he can never acknowledge that anyone else is his equal. maybe. He wouldn't want an equal, he'd want someone he can use as a puppet. I fear he'll be back, though.
I agree that he doesn’t seem to want an equal. His last long term relationship was with a very timid woman who agreed with everything he said. I’m not like that. I stand up to him to an extent and challenge him a bit but I thought he enjoyed that.

Heathcliff! It's classic isn't it, that such a man has a certain magnatism? Many romantic anti-heroes in literature, film etc are like that.
I do love Wuthering Heights! I sometimes think I read too many classic romantic novels as a teen and they brain damaged me!

Christian Grey- maybe you're a bit of a submissive?
I don’t think so but I do like a manly msn these days and my friend is certainly very masculine.

It's also to an extent what we're told a man is- toxic masculinity.
True.

Was your father emotionally unavailable?
Yes but not in an unpleasant way. I liked him not telling me what to do.

Or were there other unpleasant childhood experiences?
My mother was angry, aggressive and controlling.

I think unless you have a pattern of getting into these guys like I do, you could just chalk this one up to having met someone who's a narcissistic twat. If it's a pattern, or you're really worried about this one, you could see a therapist and discuss your feelings etc. xxx
I’m seeing a therapist and it’s helping but I’m keen to speed things up.

He would make your life hell.
I know. You’re right. His most recent partner seems like a shell of a person and I don’t want that for myself. A foolish part of me thinks that he just hasn’t been in the right relationship yet.

OP distance yourself from this man and work on your own happiness. You're putting so much focus on why he doesn't want you. The plain fact is he sounds like a complete twat, who gives a shit if he's a narcissist? Get some better friends and work on yourself esteem. You'll be much happier.

Well you sound trauma bonded to him, so that seeks of narcissism!
Block and delete him and go no contact.
Get rid of any reminders of him, photos, trinkets, give it to charity.

Detox him out of your life.

These 3 pieces of relationship advice help me and hopefully it will help you too:

1. You can not force someone to love you.
2. The only behaviour you can control is your own.
3. The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

Write down all the shitty things he did to you and read it whenever you think he was wonderful.

Each time you want to contact him or start thinking about him go on YouTube and watch videos from:
Inner integration
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani Durvasula
Richard Grannon
Sarah Speaks
Narc Survivor

Take him off the pedestal and put yourself up there instead.😊

Does he arrange to meet you and not turn up, not text, not answer your phone, then make you feel special the next time you meet?
Does he begin statements with 'women shouldn't/should blah blah.
Does he make comments designed to make you decide to 'improve' yourself?
Does he scan the room and make remarks that he earns more than bloke A or dresses better than bloke B or is fitter than bloke C.
Does he talk and talk about big fancy life plans that have not actually begun yet.
How often/does he talk about money? Narcs are often consumed with money being a Big Thing.
Does he tell you about how well he treated xyz women. Trips, gifts etc...
If you mention, "I had such a laugh with Fred today.." does the name Fred get brought up 2 days later?
How is he with animals? Pets? Narcs cannot stomach you having feelings for a pet. Too much competition.

Well you sound trauma bonded to him, so that seeks of narcissism!
What’s trauma bonding? We haven’t been through an actual trauma together though.

Block and delete him and go no contact.
But that’s so hard because I really like him and have the potential to love him.

*1. You can not force someone to love you.

1. The only behaviour you can control is your own.
2. The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.*

I agree with 1 and 2. Although I have been guilty of trying to make him love me. 3 I find hard. I get a huge amount of happiness from a relationship and I want a mutually fulfilling one. I think a good relationship will make me happier.

'I’m seeing a therapist and it’s helping but I’m keen to speed things up'

You could try EMDR. I've had quite good results with it. It supposedly does more in fewer sessions than 'normal' therapy. You and the therapist target the painful memories using a machine/technique and eventually they lose any excessive charge. This also has a knock-on effect on your self-esteem, which also has an effect on your relationships, what you put up with from other people etc. Would recommend! Only specialized therapists do it, so you would probably have to change therapists if/when you want to try it out. Best wishes xxx

' 3 I find hard. I get a huge amount of happiness from a relationship and I want a mutually fulfilling one. I think a good relationship will make me happier.'

It might, but when you get that you don't want to rely on it for your happiness. Because, as I think a PP said, you can't control other people's behaviour, it's better if your root/baseline happiness depends on yourself- ideally that's a more solid. reliable foundation. Any other stuff, food, relationships, etc, should be a bonus rather than a crutch or a rug you're standing on that someone else is holding, and you're hoping to god they won't pull out from under you.

Does he arrange to meet you and not turn up, not text, not answer your phone, then make you feel special the next time you meet?
No, he’s reliable and will turn up if he says he will.

Does he begin statements with 'women shouldn't/should blah blah.
I definitely think he’s a misogynist. He says a lot of shocking stuff about women, their clothes, etc.

Does he make comments designed to make you decide to 'improve' yourself?
Possibly. He says I’m not up to doing xyz and I try to prove him wrong.

Does he scan the room and make remarks that he earns more than bloke A or dresses better than bloke B or is fitter than bloke C. Does he talk and talk about big fancy life plans that have not actually begun yet. How often/does he talk about money? Narcs are often consumed with money being a Big Thing.
He doesn’t boast about money but he wants a bigger property and a bigger car. He seemed visibly upset when I was with my previous partner and I told him he got a good pay rise. He was also shaken when he saw my car (quite big and expensive). I think that money is important to him. But I suspect he’s also quite mean with money. He wears very old, cheap clothes. He likes a bargain but has a decent income to be able to afford more than the cheapest trousers/shoes/aftershave available.

Does he tell you about how well he treated xyz women. Trips, gifts etc...
He never mentions other women. Even when he was with his previous partner he rarely mentioned her. He’s not a show off. He probably despises and judges show offs.

If you mention, "I had such a laugh with Fred today.." does the name Fred get brought up 2 days later?
Possibly.

How is he with animals? Pets? Narcs cannot stomach you having feelings for a pet. Too much competition.
He loves his pet. He seems to have trouble expressing or showing any love but it all gets released via the pet.

It might, but when you get that you don't want to rely on it for your happiness. Because, as I think a PP said, you can't control other people's behaviour, it's better if your root/baseline happiness depends on yourself- ideally that's a more solid. reliable foundation.
Oh I definitely have this already. I live in a happy world in my head a lot of the time. I also get a huge amount of happiness from being outdoors, watersports, etc. Just being at one with the natural world. Also true friendships. I am so lucky to have some amazing friends. And I love my job and am seemingly good at it :)

'He wears very old, cheap clothes. He likes a bargain but has a decent income to be able to afford more than the cheapest trousers/shoes/aftershave available.'

Ha! My semi-narc is like that lol. He has some narcissistic traits, but claims he cultivated them to get over avoidant traits (he's a therapist.) He spends money on things he wants though- collects stuff to do with certain genres, whisky/gin etc. For instance, he owns a 1st edition of The Lord of the Rings (he's into stuff like that.) He also claims to earn more money than he actually earns, and/or is just really tight. I know he saves a lot, but I think that's partly because his health is poor and he wants a buffer for if he's ever unable to work.

He actually genuinely is a genius, and I think some of his mode of dress might be so people aren't intimidated by him, they find him approachable. Maybe your narc slightly dresses down so people underestimate him and he can sneakily get one up on them when they aren't expecting it. Or maybe he just spends money on other stuff. :)

'Oh I definitely have this already. I live in a happy world in my head a lot of the time. I also get a huge amount of happiness from being outdoors, watersports, etc. Just being at one with the natural world. Also true friendships. I am so lucky to have some amazing friends. And I love my job and am seemingly good at it'

Awesome. Sounds like you have some self-esteem. So you might be attracted by a wanker as we all can be attracted to someone's personality, looks etc in some ways, but in theory you'd never let yourself be fucked around for long.

I think my friend has a decent income but also lots of outgoings. I don’t think he has masses of spare cash. I think he’s quite prudent with money, unlike me. I think he sees clothes as body covering garments rather than a way to express himself so he doesn’t mind if they’re old or inexpensive. I don’t think he’s using them as a tool.

He also collects something that could be expensive.

In theory I wouldn’t let anyone f¥ck me over. I have some pride. Some dignity. I do let men get away with treating me poorly though and I’m working on that.

OP unless someone is a psychologist or psychiatrist, and has analysed him in person no-one can say he is definitely a narcissist. However as everyone exhibits narcissistic behaviour at points in their life, you can easily say the behaviour he's exhibits to you is narcissistic.

Regardless he simply isn't a nice person and that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it simply means you need to stay well away from him for your own well-being.

Why does it matter exactly what flavour of bell end he is?

^This. The world isn't divided neatly into wonderful people and narcissists! There are plenty of ok people and just plain arseholes. The question is why on earth you are interested in someone who's clearly an arsehole, and why the fact he behaves like an arsehole somehow makes you think there's something wrong with you rather than him!

A foolish part of me thinks that he just hasn’t been in the right relationship yet.

Give that very foolish part of yourself a damn good talking to. An arsehole is an arsehole, whichever woman he's in a relationship with. You know he's horrible. So why on earth do you think you have the potential to love him?!

I am very confused by your posts OP - there is a lot of contradictory descriptions of feelings and perceptions. I do however, recognise the type of relationship and the fantasy of being just what he needs...

Whatever traits your 'friend' is displaying, it is an unhealthy, emotionally immature relationship. It may be that your parents prepped you for your acceptance of his shitty behaviour (your description of them suggests so as does your need to be validated "why am i not good enough?" hint you are!).

I would recommend a book I have seen advised on here "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and I have found transactional analysis very helpful for developing more emotional maturity and understanding healthy boundaries.

Life will be brilliant without his shit. He's not nearly as interesting as he seems right now. I cringe now when I think of mine...

OP I am cringing for you.

This man is not worth your time but you're analysing him to the nth degree.

Are you sure this post isn't a way of trying to get tips to attract him to you more.

Good points everyone.

@ColaFreezePop 'OP unless someone is a psychologist or psychiatrist, and has analysed him in person no-one can say he is definitely a narcissist. '

Yep, and of course the average true narc would rarely seek help, at least, not directly for their narcissism.

I struggle to understand what you see in him to be honest, he accidentally called you one of his admirers! How does a person accidentally do that, and say you are very easy to influence, wow he’s a charmer ain’t he! Complete bellend! I think you should turn on ya heels and never look back, you are worth so much more