How can I tell if he’s a narcissist?

[SillySupply]

I have name changed.

I have a long standing ‘friend’ who I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist and/or is exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, or whether he’s just not a very nice person who isn’t interested in a relationship with me.

In the beginning he showered me with attention and I felt amazing. It’s like he was the first man I had ever met who was genuinely interested in me as a person. He wanted to know everything about me. I thought that we were attracted to each other but we both had partners at that stage so nothing concrete happened.

Over time he always gave me enough crumbs to keep me interested. Then about 6 months ago he changed somewhat and did less of the initiating of conversations and meetings. I hadn’t changed at all. It was like he had got tired of me for no apparent reason.

He shows no empathy. He wanted me to do a couple of things that I wasn’t comfortable doing but he pushed and pushed until I went along with it.

I suspect that he just really wanted my attention all along but now has no need for it.

I’m really confused. Does he sound like a narcissist?

I suspect he wasn’t blameless in these break ups. I doubt he was a bastard but maybe he was cold or neglectful or withheld love or something.

His second ex is a friend of a friend of a friend and I have obviously never asked for any details but I hear that she’s a really nice person.

Yes, it certainly sounds as if he has NPD. The love bomb at the start is highly significant as is the sudden devaluation after 6 months. 6 months us very key for a certain school of narcs.

He has changed tactic, subconsciously because hes not aware, simply now to draw negative fuel from you.

I'd imagine that at one point he might have been considering you for a Primary intimate partner. I suspect that when he recruited you to hurt another on his behalf; that might have changed how he views you.

You see, he was attempting to ascertain if youd function as a Lieutenant for him. Ok, you did but created a fuss so you're not Lieutenant material.

Two questions, have you hern blocked on social media?

Have you been sexually intimate in any way? Including mutual sexting, dirty talk, that kind of thing?

I doubt he was a bastard but maybe he was cold or neglectful or withheld love or something

You don't say.

Think back to how he was with you at the beginning of your relationship. It was all an act to reel you in. The person he is now is the real him.
That’s so sad. I thought he genuinely liked me. I know I sound naive and pathetic.

My last relationship was with narcissist.

Definitely had the idolising stage
He pretty much admitted 6 months in that he would love me to be pregnant/ move in together/ marry

Then came the criticisms

Always VERY opinionated about other women (strangers) and female colleagues

Controlling behaviour but made to feel like it was 'only because he was being honest' / for my own good

He liked to think he was one of the well off/ intelligent ones in the room

Very charming when he wanted to be

You could see the under surface simmer of disapproval when I did something he didn't like

OP you're caught up in the drama, the past (infatuation stage isn't his true self) and he has you doubting your worth!

If you went on a dating site tomorrow it sounds like you'd have plenty of people interested, get yourself distracted with one of them

Please OP people like this suck you in and leave you a shell of a person. You're not the special one to change or tame him. It's not worth the risk!

Red flag bunting op, this guy is bad news.

You're walking willfully blind into a train wreck for the sake of appeasing your own ego....

Surely you have something more constructive to do with your time than spend it obsessing over and analysing this sorry wanker??

.

OP, I think you should shift your question to: why do I want to be with this guy? Why have I not binned him off?

You're not painting of a life partner here, are you?

I think to be fair here though, the guy has completely backed off - is that right? It isn't like he is pursuing the OP and then treating her badly? Or is that wrong?

OP FWIW, the lies you describe are white lies and the expected behaviour in some social circles, mine included, to be honest. You say he is good at it - well, isn't that the point, to not offend people? People usually give a bright and breezy "fine" with people they don't know, even if they feel like shit. He was showing you his real self because at that time he trusted you, possibly, and maybe he has now distanced himself because he has realised that deep down you don't think highly of him (or his exes) or maybe his opinion has changed about you? I don't know.

By the way - "admirer" - it is the sort of thing I would say about men who think they are in love with me, but who really don't know me. Me saying that it isn't being arrogant, and it is a sort of sardonic quip because I am unhappy about the situation, and I am dealing with it with humour. Again, that isn't what he is saying to you, but it is just an example of it being said when narcissism and meanness are not in the picture.

I am just trying to give you different perspectives.

75Renarde

Is the devaluation at 6 months a thing?

What’s negative fuel?

I suspect that when he recruited you to hurt another on his behalf; that might have changed how he views you.
What, so I did what he insisted I do but now he doesn’t like me for it? He gave me no choice. It was do it or not see him.

What’s a lieutenant in this context?

We never connected on social media which in itself is odd.

No sexting, no sex, no kissing. However we did talk about a lot of intimate things like sex, porn, masturbation, etc. But not saying we wanted it with each other. We never crossed that line. I have never discussed such private things with an ordinary male friend before.

Stella8686 reading your post, that’s exactly what it felt like. Almost word for word.

It’s actually really knocked my confidence. How could someone who seemed so perfect for me (soulmate material) be so cruel and just discard me when I haven’t done anything. How can I trust anyone else?

Surely you have something more constructive to do with your time than spend it obsessing over and analysing this sorry wanker?? 🤣
Funny you should say that as that’s the consensus among my friends too.

Why do I want to be with this guy? Why have I not binned him off?
Good point. I will have a proper think about that.

Thanks mashaetmichka. I’m very willing to consider the option that he’s a great guy but just isn’t into me.

Yup OP, 6 months is a significant milestone with a Middle Ranging Narc. A Lieutenant in this context is a narc who wants you to deploy Hoover's, such as malignant ones against others. Plus the manipulations and power plays on his behalf. Willingly and without question. You questioned therefore you are not suitable lieutenant material.

And in the kindest possible way, neither were you intimate partner material either. This is a VERY good thing but you may not see it now.

Narcassitic supply, energy or fuel is either positive or negative in nature. I get the impression he backed off just to test your reaction.

When he went quiet, what did you do next?

And can you ring him without it going to voicemail?

When he went quiet, what did you do next?
I went quiet too out of pride. I also wanted to know if he’s really a good friend or not. I’m going through a very difficult time with some family members. Any normal close friend would be checking to see if I’m ok as it’s a serious situation. He just disappeared.

A similar thing happened in the summer after he had a personal set back. I emailed him. He had the set back and he took 6 weeks to reply. Bearing in mind that we’re in contact every few days normally. He made out that it was me who had disappeared. I pointed out that it was him. Then things were good again for a few months. Then he disappeared again before Christmas.

And can you ring him without it going to voicemail?
I haven’t tried. He won’t have blocked me. He has no reason to. I don’t pester him. He wouldn’t even know how to block someone.

Why aren’t I intimate partner material for him?

Well, there are a number of good reasons why I think that.

The first is that the intimate part, I. E sex, never got off the starting board. There could be any number of reasons for this but there is not enough to go on. It's enough to say it didnt.

When you had your crisis, he skeddadled because YOU needed support. Narcs do not support. And when they do, its because something is in it for them. I wish more of MN would bear this in mind. That's why you often read, he did x,y, z but usually hes lovely. Insert eye roll.

Now when he withdrew, he was looking for a reaction. It's a test. Probably you running after him, begging for answers. Which quite correctly, you did not give. Well done you.

Now you are confused. Understandably so.

Its was only ever about your fuel. Nothing about you personally at all. He lied to you. Subconsciously because he is not aware. And can never be made to be aware.

You have had an incredibly lucky escape. You won. He lost. You won because your strength of character and natural intuition stopped you falling into the manipulations.

Celebrate. And block his sorry ass EVERYWHERE.

Thanks 75Renarde. Your posts have really helped. Much appreciated.

Hey no worries. I was in a similiar situation 3 years ago. Mine was intimate. It knocked me for six.

I would have been intimate with him if that had been an option. We were both with other people and although he wasn’t willing to give me up, he didn’t want me enough to give up his steady life of hot meals and regular sex. He’s very black and white about right and wrong and morality. I never wanted to have any kind of affair with him either. I fell for him and would have started a new life with him. Now I feel like a complete idiot.

I have been reading a lot about narcissists tonight and I think he is one now. I’m pretty convinced. He got me to remove my boundaries one by one until I was massively oversharing with him and he hardly revealed anything. I became very vulnerable with him. And now discarded.

He had all the power in the friendship/relationship.

It must be exhausting to analyse every tiny thing and constantly obsess over someone you were never with.

For your own mental health you should block him and find someone who:

Wants to be with you.
Wants to have sex with you.
Isn’t a twat.
Deserves you.

It doesn’t matter whether he can be described as a narcissist, and unless you’re a psychiatrist or psychologist you can’t diagnose it.What does matter is that if he wanted you to be together you’d be together. You’re not so he doesn’t. If you want him as a friend then fine, re-establish your boundaries, But you are not going to sail off into the sunset with this one.

@LellyMcKelley

If course it matters if hes a narc!

For many reasons but the big one is that the OP has picked up one and she will pick up more. The reason the rates of NPD detection are so low is that any questionnaire designed to detect empathy can be frigged. So easily. Unaware narcs will do this subconsciously as they have an innate need to conform to the test to prove they are 'ok'. This response is mimicked. From continual observation of the real world.

An aware person, narc, normal or Empath unless they aren't very bright, will usually see what the questionnaire is driving at. They will direct the responses accordingly. Empaths and normals will usually answer truthfully unless there are extenuating circumstances. Aware narcs will answer with what is the correct response for them at that time. Do you see? Dont worry of you dont with the aware narcs. I only lived with them 39 years. Still learning.

What I do see with you are aspects of the trauma bond. And yes, as a PP said, it IS exhausting to keep on ruminating. Put the baggage down.

If you are holding any stuff from him, get rid if it. Its Everpresence and is toxic. Believe me, purge and you will feel better.

I do enjoy talking about him, trying to understand why he is the way he is, why he has changed.

And yet he doesn't care about you. If you are doing this in real life you will lose friends over this because it is so tiresome.

I hadn’t heard of the idealise, devalue, discard cycle but I think I’m in it. I think I was way up there in idealise for a year. It was incredible and yes I thought he was my soulmate. About 6 months ago I think he started to devalue me with criticisms, put downs, negging

I think narcissist is the new buzz word. Suddenly the whole world is a narcissist. It is actually very rare, peaks in your youth and less intense later in life.

Everything you have described also suggests a relationship that has just run its course.

One of my exes worshipped me to start with. Couldn't get enough of me. Then he started being irritated by me, not caring about things he used to, criticising me, then he dumped me and blamed me for his behaviour.

Was he a narcissist? No! He was cheating and they're married now. He wasn't a narcissist he was a coward who didn't have the guts to end it or take responsibility for what he did.

The behaviour you've described sounds like someone who has just gone off you. It happens and it doesn't sound like a long relationship.

If this man is treating you the way he is and you're accepting it and then you have no one to blame really if it gets worse and he ends it.