Discovered I'm the other woman

[gold20]

I'm broken, I've lost my DP and best friend.

My DP's (of two years) ex got in contact with me. I was surprised and told DP. He flipped out, broke things off with me and told me to say nothing to her. This was very out of character for him.

This made me hugely suspicious so I replied to her message, had a long telephone chat and was devastated to discover that they are still married and he has been living a double life. The amount of lies he has told are astonishing. I was under the impression that they had been long divorced as he had his own place and we had been on holiday several times.

He has of course been thrown out of the family house, divorce proceedings are underway and he is livid at me as he believes that I answered her out of spite, in revenge for him dumping me. Of course, this is not true, I answered as her message made no sense within the story he had told me. She is grateful for me answering as she has discovered a truth that she has long suspected. We are both relieved to know that we are not crazy.

Now he has gone into full self destruct mode, won't speak to anyone and although I am angry at him, I am extremely worried. Has anyone ever been in the situation? I haven't got anyone to talk to this about, I am too humiliated that I've been hoodwinked and the last two years of my life have been a lie. Around six months ago I suffered a miscarriage (not been trying) and at the time I was broken but now I am relieved.

I am genuinely worried about him and I don't know what to do. He has gone through a pattern of blocking me, unblocking me and messaging me all sorts of things. Now I have radio silence but am beside myself with worry. To have the capability to lie like that for years points to huge mental issues, and although I cannot help him, I would like him to find some light at the end of the tunnel, not for himself but for his children.

Why are you worried about him? He’s been caught in a lie so is spitting his dummy. Don’t waste your energy.

The issue is he’s a pathological liar 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t worry about him - he doesn’t deserve it. He sure as hell wasnt worried about his wife or you whilst he was being a cheating bastard. So what if he is depressed or whatever else. He is the master of his own demise.

I think you need to let him sort his own shit out. You did nothing wrong.

His choice and he’s not even taking any responsibility for his own actions.

You really don't owe him anything.

What an arse. Why did he have his own place if he was still with his wife? How did he get away with going on holiday & spending time with you, if he had another family all along?

PS. I’ve been duped by a cheating bastard, I know what they are like - they despise you and think you are a fool (If they respected you they would treat you honestly). He doesn’t like the fact that the fool has tumbled his deception.

Trust me. He'll be fine. You need to start rebuilding your life and concentrating on you

Why are you still calling him your DP?

Why are you worrying about him, he's a liar and a cheat that got caught out.

You should be raging with anger your entire relationship was a lie, and he has the cheek and audacity to blame you for his marriage breakdown because he got caught.

Please give yourself a shake.

Yes, the issue is that he’s a big fat lying wanker and he’s been caught fair and square.

So now of course it is your fault and he’s throwing a little hint if tipping himself in there just in case.

Now is the time for steely resolve OP. Repeat after me “fuck right off you wanker” and you’ll be A-ok.

He's making this all about him as per, OP. Even you're worried about the POS even though he's been lying to you and his wife for years. Get an STD check as god knows where he's been. Block him on all forms of communication and social media.

Dont waste your time. Just walk away.

Block him. Dont reply to any contact he manages to make. It's over. You wont be going back to him and now you need to move on.

Despite what he did, you are still mourning what you considered a serious, steady relationship. You need to mourn that, you cant just be angry and forget it but that's ok. Grieve like you would the end of any relationship you were happy in and then pick yourself up. But you really need to do it as if he doesnt exist anymore.

So t worry about him. He can look after himself. He is angry with you as he bought he was too clever to be caught. He will blame you for wrecking his marriage and not see that the fault lies with him for cheating on his wife with you.

This happened to me years ago. His other gf found out about me and confronted him and then got in touch with me. He was furious with her. It was as if she was the one that hurt me. And not him. He was really just angry he'd been found out. He'd gotten away with it so long he thought he was invincible.

I think, possibly, you're so caught up in the emotion of the situation (understandably) that you aren't seeing the chain of events objectively. The truth is that you found out your DP was lying to you and is in fact married, then he's had a tantrum and has ignored you. I don't think you need to worry.

Don't worry about him. A skilled manipulator like that will be just fine. Sadly.

It doesn't point to huge mental issues. You're making excuses for a lying cheat.

Dont spend another second thinking of this idiot. Block him on everything. You're holding on to the 'him' he let you believe me was but that person is a fabrication. I appreciate the embarrassment but let it go and reach out to friends and family who I'm sure will be just as shocked.

I know blaming it on some kind of mental health issue is helping you cope, but it's not accurate. He made horrible choices that have hurt you.

There's no basis for you to be worried about him. What's stopping you blocking him so he can't keep messing with you?

He’s not mentally ill, he’s a lying, cheating scumbag who didn’t give a toss about you or his wife. Especially you! He dumped you the minute it all came out and is now trying to put the blame on you so he doesn’t have to put it on himself. Don’t let him keep block and unblocking you. Block him. Delete everything that gives you a means of contact. Tell friends (you have nothing to be ashamed of and need people around you for support), get counselling if you like. What happens to his relationship with his kids is not your problem to get involved with. His ex wife will sort that.

Walk away from it all. Focus on yourself.

You can't rescue him.

Focus on saving yourself.

He’s also testing the waters. If his wife won’t have him back he’s edging his bets with you.

I haven't got anyone to talk to this about, I am too humiliated that I've been hoodwinked and the last two years of my life have been a lie.

Please don't let his lies become your issue, don't hide his deception. Please tell someone IRL because you will need support. But ideally you need a friend to cry with, scream with, eat cakes with, drink cocktails etc etc with.

We are a group of strangers on this forum, with lots of experience of recovering from broken relationships and will support you when you need it.

You will get through this and you will be ok.

Don't be a doormat. He has lied to 2 women over the last few years. You have wasted enough time on him. Let the thought of him go, the person you knew does not live up to the reality. You block him, enough drama and playing the sympathetic woman to a scoundrel, move on.

Be honest with people around you, because you deserve support. You e done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.