Discovered I'm the other woman

[gold20]

I'm broken, I've lost my DP and best friend.

My DP's (of two years) ex got in contact with me. I was surprised and told DP. He flipped out, broke things off with me and told me to say nothing to her. This was very out of character for him.

This made me hugely suspicious so I replied to her message, had a long telephone chat and was devastated to discover that they are still married and he has been living a double life. The amount of lies he has told are astonishing. I was under the impression that they had been long divorced as he had his own place and we had been on holiday several times.

He has of course been thrown out of the family house, divorce proceedings are underway and he is livid at me as he believes that I answered her out of spite, in revenge for him dumping me. Of course, this is not true, I answered as her message made no sense within the story he had told me. She is grateful for me answering as she has discovered a truth that she has long suspected. We are both relieved to know that we are not crazy.

Now he has gone into full self destruct mode, won't speak to anyone and although I am angry at him, I am extremely worried. Has anyone ever been in the situation? I haven't got anyone to talk to this about, I am too humiliated that I've been hoodwinked and the last two years of my life have been a lie. Around six months ago I suffered a miscarriage (not been trying) and at the time I was broken but now I am relieved.

I am genuinely worried about him and I don't know what to do. He has gone through a pattern of blocking me, unblocking me and messaging me all sorts of things. Now I have radio silence but am beside myself with worry. To have the capability to lie like that for years points to huge mental issues, and although I cannot help him, I would like him to find some light at the end of the tunnel, not for himself but for his children.

I've been on the other side of this. My exDH of 20 years had been in a relationship with a poor unsuspecting woman for over a year. She got suspicious and ended up contacting me.
Believe me when I tell you he will play the wounded dog, he will blame everyone else and will skulk back to you if his wife stands her ground and refuses him back.
Don't feel guilty and stay strong, from my experience the only person these men care about is themselves x

He is not your DP, he is her DH (although no longer D), and afther to her small children.

He does not have mental health issues. His actions have caused him a great deal of stress.

He is a liar, a cheat and a bastard who dumped you immediately because he intended to try to stay married.

Get a grip. You must not waste a single second more of your life on him. Keep looking forward and put him behind you - never turn and look at him again. You deserve better. It does not matter why he did any of it, but the reason is because he wanted to and because he could. He is a shitty human being.

Another who has had the same but I was the wife.

My absolute shit of an ex husband was leading a double life. His OW thought she was his only partner but that he was a very busy working man with overseas commitments. Those commitments were the thurs-sun every week he was back home. I thought he was working away mon-thurs. well, he was, but he was going home to here where she thought he lived. He had two lots of clothes, keys, he was in a close relationship with her young DD and her parents (he’d met, been to family occasions with, etc, thought he was marvellous.

She knew he was divorced but thought it was down to MH issues on my part. I’ve never had MH issues. And we weren’t divorced.

In fact we had been trying for a baby for 3 years and were undergoing IVF. On my third round, he was going throw the motions with me when his OW was pregnant and having a termination.

Nice, huh?

This will rock your foundations. But you will recover. I’m married to a nice, normal man now and we have a family.

Typos sorry I’m multitasking but didn’t want to read and run

You are worried about him but look at the facts, despite fucking over two women, he doesn't seem to give a shit about either of you, does he?
He has young children yet his main priority has always been himself.

He flipped out and ended things with you...
Then still had the cheek to dictate who you can and cannot talk to?

Sorry, hit send too soon.
He’s trying to save his own arse. He can’t keep either of you going if you talk and realise what a prize he really is!

He has gone through a pattern of blocking me, unblocking me and messaging me all sorts of things. Now I have radio silence but am beside myself with worry.

He’s manipulating you into worrying!

There’s nothing wrong with him.
He won’t do anything stupid.
He is not on self destruct mode.
He is in attention seeking mode.

^^This – he’s a skilled liar, so it would be easy for him to let you think he could do something stupid. The fact that you are worrying about him shows his manipulation is still working. My ex tried to lure me back with “suicide attempts”, and they were just an act. In fact, I caught him out in a bare faced lie, and I have black and white evidence on this. He doesn’t know I know.

This man here is not having a breakdown. He’s just turning it all back on you and his wife because he’s been found out.

Don’t be surprised if he tries to win her back and if that doesn’t work out, he’ll come running back to you.

^^And this. He’s invested a lot of time in you and his wife, to build the relationships he wants. From his POV, it would be easier for him to try and rebuild with one or both of you, than spending a year or two starting over from scratch with someone new.

Given how much he’s lied, I think it’s good that you’re getting an STI test. That’ll be one thing out the way. And I see you can access counselling, so hopefully it’s onwards and upwards for you. You do need to grieve the end of the relationship you thought you had, and to process what has actually happened.

The ability to have an affair doesn't point to mental issues it points to the lack of a conscience which, unless they're a psychopath, is more of a personal failing than a health one.

Don't worry about him. He is absolutely fine.

How has this turned on its that that YOU are worried about HIM???

He is a pathological liar and cheat.

Block the cunt.

*it's head

Having the capability to lie for years points to being a consummate liar, it doesn’t point to mental problems. He’s probably busy looking for his next victim, preferably some unfortunate woman with her own place ready for him to move into

This happened to me. I dated a 'divorced' guy for a year. He even proposed to me (luckily I said 'It's too early' as I wanted to pursue career before settling down). He met all my friends, we vacationed together, spent nights at each other's place. According to him, his ex-wife was a 'crazy possessive bitch' which led to their divorce 'completed 2y before we met'. Then, one day at work, I receive a phone call from her - she screamed at me nasty words. Turns out she found our messages in his phone and only then realized he was cheating. Also, he was not only still married but she was expecting their second child. His response - ghosting, so I never got the pleasure of telling him EXACTLY what I thought and felt about his behaviour. This damaged me severely - took me 5 years to start dating again.

You don't owe him ANYTHING. You owe yourself some love and care and making sure you get through this with the least possible damage.

You don't care about him (you don't know the real him, clearly), you care about the man you thought he was.

Be selfish and consider yourself only.

Don't be a doormat. He has lied to 2 women over the last few years

At LEAST two women - who knows if there are a couple more that he is grooming in the wings, so to speak . . .

He is not mentally ill - he is a manipulative abuser and is even now trying to control you with his blocking/unblocking etc tactics.

You need to protect yourself now - this has been a hard lesson for you, but don't waste it by worrying about him.

He will be fine, I promise you - he'll find some other poor woman to lie to.

Whatever he is going through, you cant help him with it as his behaviour has caused his problem, and he is struggling with facing the consequences of what he has done. You need to steer clear - there is nothing good for you about being involved with this man. As others have said, it is not necessarily mental health issues (I work in the field) - sometimes people just behave badly because they want to.

PLEASE, PLEASE don't take that scumbag back. I know you said you wouldn't, but I watched my nan do this year after year after decade after decade and I HATE my bastard grandfather for how he treated her.

Have to agree with pps- you were in love with the man you thought he was. He sure as shit wasn't your best friend or partner.

Doesn't make it any easier for you though. It's great you're getting counselling. Cutting him out completely is the only way to heal now. Remember; YOU DONT NEED TO HEAR HIS EXPLANATIONS and YOU CANT HELP or "RESCUE" HIM. HE IS NOT THE VICTIM.

I'm sorry you've been treated like this. Hope you know you deserve better

Lots of excellent advice here.

He absolutely wants you to believe he has MH issues. He will very likely try and weedle his way back in to your life. Resist any temptations to see him, is my advice.

I wouldnt give two shits abouts him...he knows you and knows rightly you will be sitting worrying...focus on getting on with your life..

Why isn’t he worrying about you? Why isn’t he worrying about his wife?

Because his only concern is minimising the damage to himself.

I can only echo what the others have said. There is nothing wrong with him apart from he has been found out and his wife no longer wants him.

No thoughts or cares for you, as far as he is concerned you are to blame. Not him.

Block him so he can't contact you.

If he is unwell he has a wife and family to support him, if they want. Not your place. Sorry.