Discovered I'm the other woman

[gold20]

I'm broken, I've lost my DP and best friend.

My DP's (of two years) ex got in contact with me. I was surprised and told DP. He flipped out, broke things off with me and told me to say nothing to her. This was very out of character for him.

This made me hugely suspicious so I replied to her message, had a long telephone chat and was devastated to discover that they are still married and he has been living a double life. The amount of lies he has told are astonishing. I was under the impression that they had been long divorced as he had his own place and we had been on holiday several times.

He has of course been thrown out of the family house, divorce proceedings are underway and he is livid at me as he believes that I answered her out of spite, in revenge for him dumping me. Of course, this is not true, I answered as her message made no sense within the story he had told me. She is grateful for me answering as she has discovered a truth that she has long suspected. We are both relieved to know that we are not crazy.

Now he has gone into full self destruct mode, won't speak to anyone and although I am angry at him, I am extremely worried. Has anyone ever been in the situation? I haven't got anyone to talk to this about, I am too humiliated that I've been hoodwinked and the last two years of my life have been a lie. Around six months ago I suffered a miscarriage (not been trying) and at the time I was broken but now I am relieved.

I am genuinely worried about him and I don't know what to do. He has gone through a pattern of blocking me, unblocking me and messaging me all sorts of things. Now I have radio silence but am beside myself with worry. To have the capability to lie like that for years points to huge mental issues, and although I cannot help him, I would like him to find some light at the end of the tunnel, not for himself but for his children.

Don’t give him another thought! He’s a cheat and a liar and sounds like he might have a personality disorder! Let him self destruct. He’s not your problem anymore. You should block him on everything. He’s taken you for a right mug!

Block him OP , he will come crying to you for a home when he hasn't got a pot to piss in and he has to give his place up. What a tosser you & his wife deserve so much better.

Wow, you’re worried about him?!

He’s not worried about you is he. He values his relationship with his wife more, dumped you as soon as she found out...I’ve never seen a woman fulfil the ‘bit on the side’ cliche as much as you. I don’t mean it to be nasty, but you need to open your eyes. He’s gone quiet on you because you aren’t who he wanted. If anything, he’ll probably try winning his wife back as soon as the dust settles. You are already forgotten.

So do yourself a favour op and forget about this worthless, entitled, selfish prick. He’s wasted this long for you, don’t allow him another minute of your time.

it's come out of the blue, and it is hard to just turn the tap off of caring for him, eventually you will be able to do so, but he's a big boy now and the fall out from what's happened is something he'll have to deal with
After all, that time being faithful you have to have an STI test, that sucks big time, while you will miss him, heck, I missed my abusive adulterer: try and focus on the things that were not fun in the relationship, and look back and see things in a new light, there may well be things that in retrospect make sense.

Don't take him back however sorry you are for him, in a weak moment, he will just do it again. Sorry you've been taken in by that arse, take a break from men and do things for yourself, and start making new memories

Another one saying he isn't mentally ill. He's just a lying, manipulative scumbag. Oh sure, he may have some sort of personality disorder but he's not ill, he's not curable. He's just scum.

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a similar situation for 6years! He made me divorce my husband, concentrate every aspect of my life on him and constantly talked about 'us' and the future. He spoilt me with hotel nights and big meals. Turned out it was all on company money, he had a joint account with his wife that he never left , because he didn't want to lose the life that he built. And he thought he can just get away with it by walking away from me and I'll just accept that. No I didn't. I made sure to I form his wife with photo evidence from the 6 years, so he couldn't deny anything or say that I was just a fling. Then he called me all sorts for trying to break up his family home! I mean wtf! I was the love of his life, we were meant to be together, we were planning a future together, and he turned ice cold from one day to the other, all for financial reasons. What a bastard.

This man is a narcissist or sociopath who is still attempting to manipulate you as his narcissistic supply. He has no conscience or empathy. Block him.

Ha @gold20 if your DP was Canadian we could be talking about the same person, right down the the timeline. Almost exactly the same scenario.

You have to disengage and do it completely or you’re sunk. Don’t get back in touch with him for any reason. He’s still playing you, just like mine is.

Don’t get drawn in. My kids knew and liked him, so it’s maybe easier in a weird way, as every time they ask me where he is or when he’s coming over, it totally hardens my heart. Bastard.

@Mrsmadevans I have now blocked him as it will make things easier. I'm not sure if he will come running back but I won't even give him the chance.

@Vanhi Thank you

What a bastard. I'm so glad you blocked him. You need to concentrate on recovering from this experience and that means total non contact.

Well it's not normal OP but that doesn't mean he's mentally ill. He presumably is lacking in empathy and has a number of character flaws, but that doesn't make him ill. It does I think stigmatise people with mental illnesses to think that someone who's basically a bastard is that way because they're ill.

Please try not to worry about him. He isn't the person you thought he was. The person you cared for was a facade. The real person does not deserve your love or care. it will take some time to get your head around this and mourn for what you had.

@NurseButtercup Thank you for your kind words, I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's awful.

Gold20 - oh yes, sane people can tell that many lies. They might be pathological liars, but they're still sane. They might be sociopaths but that's not a mental illness, it's who they are.

Please re-adjust your thinking - possibly a very sad wake-up call to you that people CAN be so shit deliberately! - because it will serve you well in the future to know that people are capable of this.

He’s devastated you both
And then he’s the victim everyone needs to worry about
Manipulative man and you already know he’s a liar

Don’t give him any more of your time
Don’t unblock him now

Well done for being strong, I’m sorry this happened to you (and his wife)

This happened to a friend of mine... she was dating a famous cricketer. One of the things he loved about her was that she wasn’t remotely into sport - not a groupie at all. Introduced to team mates and wives, went to official functions, felt special, etc.... They dated for about 18 months and she really thought that he was “the one” until she saw a newspaper on an aeroplane seat, which had a photo of him with his wife and two kids. He said that “everyone knew he had an open marriage.” Her response was “Well I don’t”.

@ohwheniknow is exactly right

justilou - that wouldn't happen to be the blond thatch/weave cricketer, would it?

You've got some really good advice on here, I would say that it's not a waste of two years because you've learnt a lot and hopefully won't fall in love so easily next time. Lots of luck

Agree with those who said he is a narcissist or similar. They are not insane, they just have such a shit personality that there is a name for it. He has no empathy so its easy for him to hurt, lie and manipulate others. It can be really hard to think of anyone being like that, let alone someone you cared for. But he is. Don't doubt it for a second. Read up on NPD and 'hoovering' tactics for when he tries to come back. Also, 'narcissistic triangulation' (when they try to play you off against the other women involved). Melanie Tonia Evans does good YouTube videos. Learn as much as you can! Keep yourself safe, keep him blocked!

No... EW!!!

He is a “family man” 🤮🤮🤮

BTW... nearly 20 years ago

Well of course he's angry. He's been having a whale of a time for the past 2 years hasn't he? 2 women on the go and lying at every opportunity. He would be mad, you've just ended all that and now has no one to manipulate or use at his leisure.

He is no longer your problem. Trust me when I say men like that will be absolutely fine because they are utterly self centred and will always put their own needs above anyone else's.

justilou - at your reaction, I agree!