Discovered I'm the other woman

[gold20]

I'm broken, I've lost my DP and best friend.

My DP's (of two years) ex got in contact with me. I was surprised and told DP. He flipped out, broke things off with me and told me to say nothing to her. This was very out of character for him.

This made me hugely suspicious so I replied to her message, had a long telephone chat and was devastated to discover that they are still married and he has been living a double life. The amount of lies he has told are astonishing. I was under the impression that they had been long divorced as he had his own place and we had been on holiday several times.

He has of course been thrown out of the family house, divorce proceedings are underway and he is livid at me as he believes that I answered her out of spite, in revenge for him dumping me. Of course, this is not true, I answered as her message made no sense within the story he had told me. She is grateful for me answering as she has discovered a truth that she has long suspected. We are both relieved to know that we are not crazy.

Now he has gone into full self destruct mode, won't speak to anyone and although I am angry at him, I am extremely worried. Has anyone ever been in the situation? I haven't got anyone to talk to this about, I am too humiliated that I've been hoodwinked and the last two years of my life have been a lie. Around six months ago I suffered a miscarriage (not been trying) and at the time I was broken but now I am relieved.

I am genuinely worried about him and I don't know what to do. He has gone through a pattern of blocking me, unblocking me and messaging me all sorts of things. Now I have radio silence but am beside myself with worry. To have the capability to lie like that for years points to huge mental issues, and although I cannot help him, I would like him to find some light at the end of the tunnel, not for himself but for his children.

Not only have you lost your bf, you actually came second in the line. When it became apparent she might find out he finished with you. He's probably coming back to you because his wife won't have him back,

You do not want to be second best. That's not even taking into account he's a lying, dirty, scumbag.

People like this do not self-harm (if that is what you are worried about)
What they do is they give the appearance of being in 'self-destruct mode' in order to deflect your anger and make you worry instead.
You will find that he stays in this mode for just as long as it takes him to judge how much trouble he is in, and how to get out of it
Don't let him manipulate him any more than he has. He is not the man you thought he was. He is a stranger, and you owe him nothing

It's difficult, if you continue trying to support him then you can't move on with your life. Of course there is a chance he could do something stupid, no one on here knows. It's up to you op to do what you think is best.

am beside myself with worry.

I'm very sorry that you have been treated so badly. Forget about 'worrying' about him, he has done nothing to deserve it. Your focus now should be on yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Look for things, even very simple things to do for yourself.

Take time to grieve the life you thought you had then start to rebuild your own life.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Get yourself STI tested.
Don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.
The ONLY person he cares about is HIM.
Your thoughts about mental illness and him 'doing something stupid' are part of the shock and denial stages of loss. He's not mentally I'll and he won't do 'something stupid'.
If you need help to access your anger, think about this - would you have consented to sex with him if you'd known he was married? No? And I bet he knew that when he had sex with you.

Help the cheating bastard?

What about his wife & kids??!!

He was never your best friend OP. You didn't actually know him.

His wife was obviously more important to him than you, he dumped you.

Open your eyes, he's angry at you, not her. Block him.

My F. was a more than serial deceiver, he sometimes had 3 or 4 women on the go, along with his wife and her. DM found out rather late but when she did she left him (she was lucky because she loved another man though he was married ).

She is now 92 and still hates his guts. But is quite happy otherwise. Some people, mostly men, IME seem to enjoy duplicity and living dangerously, it must give them some kind of thrill. I can't understand why they do it otherwise.

He’s conned you all this time and you are worried about him

Delete/block/no contact with him. Get angry and vow to move on. He’s a piece of shit and whilst you are worried about his dc, his wife is perfectly capable of dealing with them and it isn’t really up to you to worry about them.

This should be an ad for reasons why you should always tell the wife when you find out you're the OW.

OP, please stop giving a tiny shit about this arsehole, who lied and used you (AND HIS FAMILY) for 2 years of your life, which you'll NEVER get back. What an absolute shit head!

Please, turn the page and go enjoy your life. He's an attention seeker who's ignoring everyone due to a dented pride.

After two years of loving someone, getting pregnant to them & planning a future, it’s very difficult to switch that off - even when they’ve been complete bastards.

I get that. I’ve been there. I wish I’d had MN in those days, my ‘pick me’ dance was quite spectacular 🙄 I would be too embarrassed to admit it, but I do because I hope it’ll help someone else not do the same thing!

Whatever you’re hoping to gain by worrying about him and not just blocking him, won’t happen. He’ll keep you hanging on his coat tails, blaming yourself, soaking up his bullshit and hoping for a future with him.

He may have MH issues, but it’s WAY more likely he just has ‘want my cake & to eat it too’ issues.

Really think about what he has done here. He lied many times every day, about everything. He treat you both like idiots, he told you both he loved you.

He got a hint of it all coming out so he instantly dumped you and now he’s putting the blame on you for talking to his WIFE

Keep thinking about that - it’s YOUR fault for talking to his WIFE

HOW much sense does that make??

I’m in my in laws ate 40’s have been through plenty of my own crap, it’s of friends crap and MANY years of MN crap and one thing I can tell you is that HE will be just fine. He will find someone else to hoodwink.

You need to stop worrying about him and look after yourself.

Don’t be embarrassed to tell people, I know it feels humiliating, but it’s not on you, it’s on him. The more open and honest we are about it The sooner women will stop feeling the they’re ‘not enough/good enough’ ‘to keep the man’

Showing my age here 🤣 but I felt humiliated too and it was Jennifer Anniston being cheated on that really made me realise it wasn’t about the woman being slim either nought/sexy enough/good enough to ‘keep him from cheating’. I mean if some bloke is going to cheat on her, then.....,‍🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s clearly the bloke, not the woman.

I know it’s hard to stop worrying about him, but honestly you need to. He will be totally fine! His type always are.

Jeez, give yourself a shake! He really has played you (and his wife). He is a devious, conniving twat who ABSOLUTELY does not give a shit about you as evidenced by his reaction. Its ALL about him. Don’t be so wet OP, grow a pair and get rid!

My ex of 7 years same story 😅😂 i did believe the wife as he is amazing in manipulation. Just so you know, he is extremely selfish and he won’t change. You should get angry and make sure he won’t get back to you otherwise you will end up like me who wasted her 7 years 🙃 good luck to you 🙂

We don't think there has been anyone else as he physically would not have had time..

I bet you didn't have time to lead a double life but here we are!

There are no mental issues here, just simply a pathological liar who gets off on deceiving people and can't keep his cock to himself.

There is no "Self distruct mode" what he's doing is hysterical bonding with his wife whilst looking for the next victim.

This must be awful for you but FFS wake up and smell the coffee!

Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids by this car crash and BLOCK.

Please don’t waste your energy on worrying about this man. It is all for effect and absolutely a part of the adulterers script. Just back away and treat as you would a ticking bomb!

I am sorry this has happened to you. The quicker you get your head round having nothing more to do with him, the easier things will be for you going forwards. Block him on all types of media, keep yourself busy and what you are feeling now will soon pass.

He's throwing a paddy because he's been caught out. Be glad you found out now. And do spread the word around his friends/acquaintances - or did he introduce you to anyone?

He's a twat who got caught lying and now he's feeling sorry for himself.

Dont be stupid and let him suck you back into his bullshit. He'll do a number on you, then try and convince you it was all lies. They didnt sleep together, she's possessive, unstable. All bollocks to get you to feel sorry for him.

Don’t worry about him, he’s hoping you will be worried and will come running, that’s how these types of people work. He has lied to you and her, he doesn’t deserve any sympathy.

dont worry about him hes an utter tosser
hes shitting himself that hes been found out

well he wants you to fall back on obviously, if he keeps you interested & worrying about him, when his wife definitively dumps him he will have you....
Cut the cord. fast

My friend has recently discovered her dh has been cheating.
For 8 years with 8 women. 3 for 5 years at the same time..
1 has a dc which of course isn't his...

Thank you all. I have ordered an STI test just in case.

I am glad that I spoke to his wife as if the shoe was on the other foot I would want someone to tell me. She is very thankful and has been lovely and supportive.

I do not want him back and I don't think he'll come running but if he does I will not be taking him back. Rest assured. What he has done is disgusting and upsetting and has messed me up big time. I have signed up for counselling and am just going to throw myself into work.

Ditch the worry and get angry.

My dd was turned into the other woman against her wishes by a scumbag. I don't understand how you could even contemplate a relationship with someone who you would never be able to trust again and I'm not just talking about fidelity here.

Sound like a manipulating tactic, to cause you to worry by lack of contact. He will be fine. He has to be quite a prolific liar to have got this far without you finding out. The hurt and pain he's caused it unforgivable. He could have stopped at any time but he didn't want to. He became angry at you for answering but what would he have done?

I'm glad you found out, I'm sorry you suffered a loss. Can imagine what he would have done ? How would he sustained this huge lie.

How awful for you, I'm so sorry. How absolutely devastating.

I know it must be so hard but you've got to not pander to him. This is how he gets away with things, caught so he has to cause a huge drama and have people worry so the likeness he will be forgiven is higher.

Ignore him, block him, forgive yourself for trusting him and don't let this damage you for life. There are decent men out there and there's horrible ones, hopefully you will notice the signs but who would know this was happening it isn't common.

Go find yourself and love yourself because you have been the victim and if he had his way he'd somehow make you feel guilty so don't allow that. Be strong ❤️