Discovered I'm the other woman

[gold20]

I'm broken, I've lost my DP and best friend.

My DP's (of two years) ex got in contact with me. I was surprised and told DP. He flipped out, broke things off with me and told me to say nothing to her. This was very out of character for him.

This made me hugely suspicious so I replied to her message, had a long telephone chat and was devastated to discover that they are still married and he has been living a double life. The amount of lies he has told are astonishing. I was under the impression that they had been long divorced as he had his own place and we had been on holiday several times.

He has of course been thrown out of the family house, divorce proceedings are underway and he is livid at me as he believes that I answered her out of spite, in revenge for him dumping me. Of course, this is not true, I answered as her message made no sense within the story he had told me. She is grateful for me answering as she has discovered a truth that she has long suspected. We are both relieved to know that we are not crazy.

Now he has gone into full self destruct mode, won't speak to anyone and although I am angry at him, I am extremely worried. Has anyone ever been in the situation? I haven't got anyone to talk to this about, I am too humiliated that I've been hoodwinked and the last two years of my life have been a lie. Around six months ago I suffered a miscarriage (not been trying) and at the time I was broken but now I am relieved.

I am genuinely worried about him and I don't know what to do. He has gone through a pattern of blocking me, unblocking me and messaging me all sorts of things. Now I have radio silence but am beside myself with worry. To have the capability to lie like that for years points to huge mental issues, and although I cannot help him, I would like him to find some light at the end of the tunnel, not for himself but for his children.

He has fucked you about for 2 years.
Yet you are one worrying about him??
There's nothing you can do except be kind to yourself while you wait for your rose tinted glasses to fade.
He will be fine, he's very capable of lying and being in denial to further his own needs. Those skills will continue to serve him well.

I understand you can't turn your feelings off for someone overnight so of course your still worried about him but it's time to put yourself first OP. Scream, shout, break something, write down how awful he's made you feel and when your ready it's time to pick yourself back up. You can do this ❤️

Don't start making excuses for him. You should be livid rather than worried.
What on earth does "he's gone on self destruct mode" mean? He's off getting pissed or what? How selfish.

I really think you're desperate to get in touch with him so he can fill you with the excuses you want to hear.
You'll swallow all his shit about his mental health, his wife not understanding him, his terrible upbringing that caused him to lie blah blah and take him back.

He is livid at you?

Good grief, the bare-faced cheek of the man. How dare he be angry with you for replying to a message from his wife. He's been cheating on the pair of you.

How did she find out about you, did she say?

You have nothing to be ashamed of. But you have had a shock and you need to deal with the shock. You will go through all the classic stages of dealing with a shock - denial, anger etc. Have you got real-life support to help you deal with this?

I found out recently that a man I know walked out on his wife about 3 months ago, started OLD and is now seeing a new woman. Apparently he told her he "used to be married". I only wish I could contact her and tell her the truth now - he's still very much married and is not dealing with the situation he has created

It doesn't point to huge mental issues. You're making excuses for a lying cheat

^agree

This happened to me - he wasn't married, but when I was at uni, I spent (wasted) the whole 3 years with a man (boy) who had never really broken up with his suicidal ex. He very much lived a double life. I had suspicions the whole way through but he jkust kept telling me she was crazy and wouldn't accept it.

Of course you feel worried about him because you are probably a good person and good people don't just abandon those they care about because they've been total fuckwits. But abandoning someone who does this to you doesn't make you a bad person either.

This will probably take some getting over - I had intense anger about it all for years afterwards (actually I only found out the truth about 2 years after we had split up). But essentially, it felt like he'd literally stolen those years - uni years - from me and it was all based on lies.

After he broke up with me (at the end of uni) he called the next day apparently expecting to be friends. I said no and that was the end of it. I ran into him a few years later and confronted him about it, but didn't really get anywhere.

My only advice is to get some counselling if you can and to face any feelings head on. And to fuck him off out of your life! Next time he unblocks you, take control and block him on all channels and don't look back. You don't owe him shit and you've had a lucky escape. whatever he does now, he's in a pit of his own making. Leave him there.

Agreeing with the majority here - don't waste your worry and sympathy on this cheating bastard.

For all you know there might be yet another woman out there with whom he is now staying and telling her all sorts as well!

Let it (and him) go, get on with your life and be bloody grateful you didn't get further enmeshed with such an awful man.

And of course you spoke to his wife - ffs - you both deserve the truth. If he comes at you about that, just say you've no intention of justifying your doing that to him or anyone else.

Thank you for all the kind messages. Truth be told, even though he has behaved like an absolute scumbag, I still care for him. I'm really trying not to but it's hard. I do genuinely think there is something wrong with him and just hope to God he doesn't do anything stupid.

After our chat his wife and I have kept in touch a little. She has been extremely supportive and although I don't want to talk with her too much, I have offered to answer any more questions that she has. We don't think there has been anyone else as he physically would not have had time. He spent most of the time with me, passing it off to her as a busy work schedule, and then returned to her on the odd weekend, helping out with his kids. They have not been together for years but from her point of view it was normal as they had small kids etc. His lies perfectly bounced us off one another to the point where we both knew of each other's existence. I thought she was his ex and she thought I was his friend. He even used mutual friends to deflect, telling them that he had separated from her but to not tell her about his relationship with me as it was so new.

It's just all so messy and I'm trying to pull myself together. I have confided in one friend but thought I'd cast a wider net. Thank you

FGS, he has really done a number on you. Lied to you for years, deliberately and systematically, got you pregnant, lied some more, gaslit both you and his wife, and then tried to blame the situation on you because you answered the phone? And then tried to make you worry and feel guilty because he got found out and now he's having a tantrum?

He is not vulnerable. He is well-organised and utterly selfish and he's been conning both of you with military precision. He'd still be lying to you and stringing you along now if you didn't have cast iron proof. Look how he reacted to being found out - with rage, not remorse. He doesn't care who else he hurts. He cares only about himself.

Block this tool asap and thank your lucky stars you found out the truth.

Get angry at the lies. What an awful thing for him to do.

He is still successfully manipulating you. Block him and move on.

Wow, he really wanted to have his cake and eat it, didn't he? And now he's gone and thrown teddy out of the pram because his fun has been spoiled.

Btw I think that both you and his wife have both dealt with this very well, all things considered.

I wonder if you’re the only ow though?.

You still care obviously as feelings cant be turned off like a tap, but it sounds like you feel sorry for him?

You have just wasted 2 years of your life, love and energy to this lying scumbag. Don't waste anymore.

He or the welfare of his kids are nothing to you now. Block, grieve and move on.

If he stops being angry, his feelings settle down and he turns to you it will only be because his wife wont have him. Don't be anyone's second best. Don't believe his lies that you aren't.

Puck yourself esteem off the floor and block him.

You may care for him but he sure doesn't give a fuck about you.

He's not your problem any more.
Block him. No more contact. Ever.

You sound like you want him to pick you, OP. If he does, he'll do this again ...

From your update, it seems like you still have a skewed perspective on this.
You do realise he was still sleeping with his wife? There's no way his wife would kick him out the family home and start immediate divorce proceedings if they had not been together for years Come on, wake up.

He was going to have a child with you and said nothing.

You have lost your boyfriend, your best friend, and the last two years have been a lie.
Do not worry about him.
Rebuild your life. Get support from your friends and family.
You can talk to us on here - the breakup thread can be hugely supportive because you are not alone.

There’s nothing wrong with him.

He won’t do anything stupid.

He is not on self destruct mode.

He is in attention seeking mode.

He has stolen 2 years of your life. It’s up to you how much more of your time you’re willing to waste on him. He will not change. This is who he is. Perhaps some counselling might help you work through this if you haven’t got anyone in real life to speak to.

No advice from me op. I understand how difficult it is. When it happened to me, I moved on with my life. I became happy and didn't really think about the man. I didn't keep it to myself, I always prefer to be open and honest about my life. I laugh about it when I tell people. I like to think that I did nothing wrong, so have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

You have to stop thinking about his welfare. He’s not thinking about yours.

You are going through all sorts of emotions and it will take time to rid him from your mind. But you have to - he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

Don’t be surprised if he tries to win her back and if that doesn’t work out, he’ll come running back to you.

Be strong and cut him dead. He’s a fucking fucker.

You don't care for him, you don't miss him and you don't love him.
You care for, miss and love the person you thought he was. That person doesn't exist.

He's perfectly capable of finding his own tunnels op, you don't have to be his light at the end. He is an unbelievably selfish cheating liar, wasting your life and his wife's, and sod whatever life the children could expect through all this. Stop worrying, find your anger. How fucking dare he!