He has never told me he loves me

[KerrySebandDanny]

And it’s starting to become a problem. We have been together for a few years and he has never said ‘I love you ‘.

I said it to him after we’d been together for about a year and he didn’t answer.

He has said that he will probably never tell me that he loves me. He then said that he would only tell a woman he loves her if he was about to get married to her.

My problem is that he will say that he loves other things (like pop stars, his dog and various activities). I know this is different but the lack of telling me how he feels is a problem for me. I’ve told him how I feel and asked him to try to be more affectionate but he hasn’t done a single thing except buy me a chocolate bar.

I got a bit upset last night because he was saying over text how much he loves a certain pop star. I jokingly messaged him back and asked him how come he could declare his love for her but not me. He messaged back with a link to a music video where the pop star is in underwear for most of it saying ‘because she does cool stuff like this’.

It’s not a jealousy issue I don’t think, it’s more that I’d love him to tell me that he loves or even cares about me.

He has said that I’m ‘batshit’ to be upset by this and that he was talking about her singing abilities....

Sorry I just needed to vent I suppose. Am I being batshit (as he calls me)? Or do I deserve better?

OP this is very strange. (Sorry if this sounds patronising but) Are you both quite young? Is this a commitment issue? Have either of you been in a relationship before?

You are not being "bat shit" at all, it's only natural to want to hear that he loves you after being together for this long. In my opinion you deserve much better.
Does he show affection at all in any ways?

Some people just dont like saying it. but may show you they love you in all other ways. however he should be able to tell you this rather than just calling you batshit.

Do you feel loved by him regardless of this? if not then he possibly just doesnt love you and you should move on

Thanks for the replies.

We are not young no. He’s in his mid 40s and I’m late 30s.

I don’t think he does show me affection. We went to the pub a few months back and I tried to hold his hand and he snatched it away from me.

I asked him how he thought he showed me he cared about me and he said that he had bought me the chocolate bar and we had a laugh together. It’s just intensely frustrating to try to talk to him about anything to do with feelings because he essentially runs away.

He sounds like a knob. What are you trying out of the relationship?

He doesn't love you. Are you ok to continue with him knowing that?

Getting not trying

LTB. It amazes me you put up with this for so long.

Op you have the lowest self esteem I think I’ve ever come across.

Well OP he has already told you in a roundabout knobhead way that he doesn't live you. I would get rid of him, he sounds like a twat.

And self respect

He’s being very very weird, and the only conclusion is he doesn’t love you. Honestly, cut your losses and find someone normal

Seriously what are you getting out of this relationship?

Do you have a really low opinion of yourself? Why are you putting up with this?

He messaged back with a link to a music video where the pop star is in underwear for most of it saying ‘because she does cool stuff like this’.

What a dick.

He doesn’t love you.

Sounds like you don’t love yourself an awful lot either if you’re happy to put up with this.

Why on earth are you with him? Get some self respect asap

Raise the bar. You must think you can do better than this emotionally manipulative prick, surely?

Get some self respect and kick this loser to the kerb OP

Yes you deserve better, but I think you know that already

Wow. He's a nutter. I say I love you about 20 times a day as does DP - were not married but we love each other deeply. He's either very very closed off, ashamed of showing. His feelings or doesn't love you and I couldn't live with any of those

You're absolutely not batshit for being upset over this.

If your significant other can't tell you they love you or show you any romantic affection then that means (unless you cheat) that you're not going to get anything like that from anyone!!

He sounds like a total dick head. Sending you pics of pop stars in their under wear saying he loves them for it? Won't tell a woman he loves them unless he wants to marry them? Serious dick head. Why are you with him?

Wow. What a way to control you.

Nasty, nasty man. Tell him you are leaving, since he doesn't love you. And tell him you would never marry a man who doesn't love you, so you are off. Because this is the truth.

I promise you, if you don't leave him, then one day he will be off like a shot with another woman, and he'll be love-bombing her to the max to get her. He's picked up somehow that you will accept this treatment - it's a rare woman who will - most fall for the lovebomb. It's only those with desperately low self-esteem and self-love who will tolerate the love-drought.

OP, you are worth more. Truly, you are worth more. You are so valuable, don't waste yourself with him. You deserve love, and most of all you deserve love from yourself. Imagine yourself as a little girl (or look at a photo). Isn't she worthy of so much love? By loving her, you can come to love yourself. Guard her every day.

And get her away from this man who is giving her a message she is unlovable every day.

I say this because I bet you can't love yourself? but you can love a vulnerable child, even when that child is you. She's still inside you. Loving her will lead to you loving yourself

Sorry but does he have some kind of learning difficulty? This doesn't sound like a normal adult relationship.

Op, have a look at dismissive avoidant attachment style on jebkinnison.com website. Best description I have seen of this type of person. If he is one, I am afraid he's unlikely to change because he has issues with intimacy.