He has never told me he loves me

[KerrySebandDanny]

And it’s starting to become a problem. We have been together for a few years and he has never said ‘I love you ‘.

I said it to him after we’d been together for about a year and he didn’t answer.

He has said that he will probably never tell me that he loves me. He then said that he would only tell a woman he loves her if he was about to get married to her.

My problem is that he will say that he loves other things (like pop stars, his dog and various activities). I know this is different but the lack of telling me how he feels is a problem for me. I’ve told him how I feel and asked him to try to be more affectionate but he hasn’t done a single thing except buy me a chocolate bar.

I got a bit upset last night because he was saying over text how much he loves a certain pop star. I jokingly messaged him back and asked him how come he could declare his love for her but not me. He messaged back with a link to a music video where the pop star is in underwear for most of it saying ‘because she does cool stuff like this’.

It’s not a jealousy issue I don’t think, it’s more that I’d love him to tell me that he loves or even cares about me.

He has said that I’m ‘batshit’ to be upset by this and that he was talking about her singing abilities....

Sorry I just needed to vent I suppose. Am I being batshit (as he calls me)? Or do I deserve better?

I’m not getting much out of the relationship. He always has an explanation for his behaviour though.

He doesn’t have any difficulties as far as I am aware.

Throw him back and stop wasting your time waiting for a less uptight and weird version of him to show up.

Doesn't he take you out to places, meals and things?

'Explanations' are often a defensive mechanism to prevent you getting close enough to see what's going on underneath. I really had no clue about the extent of my ex husband's issues with intimacy because he never shared his thoughts and feelings. However, his behaviour told another story - didn't make any declarations of love and affection, stonewalling and disappearing if I criticised or tried to sort out an issue, going to bed late and getting up really early to avoid intimacy, workaholic and overinvolved in hobbies. Are any of these things ringing true for you? Also never discussed future plans together, didn't show anger, passive aggressive point scoring?

This is sad.

We go out occasionally but normally only if I organise it.

We go to the pub most weeks for an hour. He doesn’t like to spend a lot of money.

He is a bit of a workaholic. However, he doesn’t avoid intimacy - in terms of sex. However it’s always got to be on his terms.

That's another one, controlling with money. I went out with another type avoidant for six months , never once bought me a meal, always had to go 'dutch' although I was happy to treat him.

Sex without affection isn't really intimacy.

Why are you putting up with this crappy relationship? You would be better alone than with this heartless manchild.

Find the strength to walk away and find someone who actually gives a shit.

He’s just not that into you. Tell him so and find a person that is.

Sounds like you're being used.
What an arsehole.

Ask him how he feels about having kids and marriage u will.soon see

I have to agree with other posters putting up with this 'non-relationship' will wear you down eventually. You are fighting for crumbs off his table when you could be having a feast from someone else. I suspect he has intimacy issues from what you have said. Has he ever been in a committed relationship? You can find someone better.

HE sounds batshit! Not you, not you at all.

A controlling, robotic manbaby with everything on his terms. The best thing you could do to start this year off right is to leave this man. You're in your 30s, you deserve to be told you're loved, and why you're loved, to be cherished, supported and given basic affection too. He sounds horrific to be honest.

I really hope you can see from everyone's replies that he is not normal or acceptable in his behaviour towards you. Time to leave, and on YOUR terms. You don't even have to give him an explanation. 'sorry, I only give explanations to why I'm ending things to someone I'm about to marry'.

He’s done a real number on you. He’s worn you down so much that you’re accepting this treatment from him.
Bin this nasty bastard OP he had no respect or love for you. Why would you stay with someone who treats you like you’re nothing to him?

Why are you with him OP? He sounds horrible.

Oh my god I thought you were going to say he was about eighteen. He said
because she does cool stuff like this uuugh. He's cringe OP!

Can you see from the replies on here that you are absolutely not batshit, he is an arsehole. You would be batshit to stay with him though!

Do you feel like ending it is even a possibility at the moment or does it feel like too much to get your head around?

You must do it at some point, the sooner the better, or he'll chip away and away and away at your confidence for however long you're together.

I am a little scared to end it but I don’t know why.

Think of it as the thrill you feel before you go on a rollercoaster, rather than the fear you feel when you do something horrible.

This man is awful - honestly, you deserve so much better.

This can’t be real. I mean you’re a grown woman

I don’t understand the face @Thefaceofboe?

If you have concerns report me. @MNHQ can confirm I’ve been around for a while.

Sadly it is real.

Good advice from HollowTalk