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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has never told me he loves me

105 replies

KerrySebandDanny · 11/01/2020 16:41

And it’s starting to become a problem. We have been together for a few years and he has never said ‘I love you ‘.

I said it to him after we’d been together for about a year and he didn’t answer.

He has said that he will probably never tell me that he loves me. He then said that he would only tell a woman he loves her if he was about to get married to her.

My problem is that he will say that he loves other things (like pop stars, his dog and various activities). I know this is different but the lack of telling me how he feels is a problem for me. I’ve told him how I feel and asked him to try to be more affectionate but he hasn’t done a single thing except buy me a chocolate bar.

I got a bit upset last night because he was saying over text how much he loves a certain pop star. I jokingly messaged him back and asked him how come he could declare his love for her but not me. He messaged back with a link to a music video where the pop star is in underwear for most of it saying ‘because she does cool stuff like this’.

It’s not a jealousy issue I don’t think, it’s more that I’d love him to tell me that he loves or even cares about me.

He has said that I’m ‘batshit’ to be upset by this and that he was talking about her singing abilities....

Sorry I just needed to vent I suppose. Am I being batshit (as he calls me)? Or do I deserve better?

OP posts:
LumpyPillow · 11/01/2020 20:10

I know it feels hard to stand up for yourself and end things but it is essential.

Let yourself be more important to you, rather than him being who you are putting thoughts and energy into. Even just doing that is a step towards being kind to yourself, learning to like yourself, healing.

He is a waste, of thoughts, time and energy. You need to put everything you have into yourself. It sounds like you're off to a great start with speaking to someone.

QueSera · 11/01/2020 20:31

He doesn't love you - so why do you stay in a relationship with him?

itcamefrombeckyvardysaccount · 11/01/2020 21:17

I was in a relationship like this. I ended it as I always felt a bit sad about it all. I never felt secure thinking about it.

It felt one sided emotionally.

Day before I moved the other side of the country said he loved me.

It was too late then. Which was a shame as he was great just had some growing up to do. Broke my heart at the time.

olivertwistwantsmore · 11/01/2020 22:34

He's in his mid 40s? He has the emotional maturity of a button.

Get rid. Find someone who will treat you well and love you.

olivertwistwantsmore · 11/01/2020 22:41

Op, this is one of the saddest things I've ever read: I actively hated myself... I had to pull my car over the other month to be sick because I caught sight of my reflection in the car mirror.

My love, this is in no way normal. I bet you are an attractive woman who has no reason to feel this way, apart from a useless boyfriend who's doing his best to grind you down.

Even if you are hideous, you should not feel this way. If you are with a good, loving man he will make you feel a million dollars even if you are not the most attractive woman in the work. It's all about attitude.

Sweetie, get rid. Then do the Freedom Programme.

Glamgran59 · 11/01/2020 23:11

I think he loves you. Someone has let him down in his life, probably in childhood. He's afraid to admit what he feels, hence the music star joke. Do you love him? If you do, tell him, every day, remind him that you are ok with saying it. Occasionally tell him that it hurts not to be told you're loved....but keep the emotional temperature down. This man is hurting.

JKScot4 · 11/01/2020 23:13

@glam
That’s the worst excusing if poor behaviour I’ve read, this woman is at rock bottom with her self esteem and you’re telling her to shore up a man who treats her with disdain.
OP ignore this utter shite 😡

pallisers · 11/01/2020 23:14

I think he loves you. Someone has let him down in his life, probably in childhood. He's afraid to admit what he feels, hence the music star joke. Do you love him? If you do, tell him, every day, remind him that you are ok with saying it. Occasionally tell him that it hurts not to be told you're loved....but keep the emotional temperature down. This man is hurting.

this is laughably bad advice. The OP's purpose in life isn't to cure some hurt man (not that he is - he is just a fucker). She deserves far far better than this awful advice.

He doesn't love you OP. That is why he doesn't say it. He isn't nice to you. Get rid and then do the freedom programme. I think you might find you like yourself a lot better and can deal with your self esteem issues a lot better if you are without him.

daisychain01 · 12/01/2020 03:59

Look, OP, it's your life. You can stay with this person if you want, your choice.

You can tell us he doesn't show you affection, doesn't initiate meet-ups, doesn't show you he cares, there's no law in any land that says he must.

Only you can decide if this situation makes you happy or sad, or frustrated. It doesn't sound like you're about to change things any time soon. OK, your choice.

Original poster
KerrySebandDanny · 12/01/2020 10:56

I won’t be telling him I love him. It was too painful the first time I said it and he looked at me like I was insane.

I have a lot of work to do on myself I know that. But I’m stronger than I was two months ago. I can feel the first green shoots of my old self growing back.

Thanks to you all.

OP posts:
SpidermanAbdHisAmazingFriends · 12/01/2020 10:59

Tbh, I'd have walked away from this situation long before now!

If he'd done to me what he did with the pop star video, I'd definitely be gone. Not a chance.

ofay · 12/01/2020 11:34

This man is disastrous for your self esteem. Did it take a dip after you met him or did you feel validated because he reinforced your own view of yourself?

funnylittlefloozie · 12/01/2020 11:46

Glamgran, that is atrocious advice.

Kerry, do you walk round the supermarket ankle-deep in sick from the other people who look upon your face? I bet you don't, because you aren't sick-makingly ugly, you are a lovely attractive woman, whose main fault is not that she has a face like a diseased hippo's bum, but that she has hitched herself to a man with a soul like a diseased hippo's bum. You arent the problem, my lovely, he is.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/01/2020 13:34

OP ..my husband is the worst ever at I love you's...I have had 3 in 10 years! However ,he ruffles my hair,pulls me close for a cuddle and drops a kiss on my head and shows his affection and love for me in so many other ways...I feel he loves me....he doesn;t need to say it cos I know.It makes a huge difference.I went through a bit of an insecure stage a while ago and I said ..do you love me? he said why do you ask that?and looked shocked I said but you never say it..He said I told you once I loved you ..I will let you know if ever I change my mind!!! He still hasnt changed his mind! I feel warmth,respect,admiration and kindness from him every day....Life shouldnt be as hard as it is for you right now..I am sorry but your man seems too selfish to know what love actually is...

Original poster
KerrySebandDanny · 12/01/2020 13:44

I actually had fairly ok self esteem before we got together. For the first year or so together I was fine. It’s just been gradual you know?

I know objectively I am not as ugly as I imagine. It’s just been quite a difficult few years.

@Sallycinammon i would be ok with that. If he said that he loved me but didn’t like saying it I’d be ok. The way he behaves you’d think I was demanding constant declarations of love from him.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/01/2020 14:01

I actually had fairly ok self esteem before we got together. For the first year or so together I was fine. It’s just been gradual you know

So leave him and get yourself back on track before he destroys you completely.
You are in a lucky position to have your own place/money. Just walk away.

misskatamari · 12/01/2020 14:42

So glad you don't live together. Honestly, cut your losses. He is dragging you down. I'm sure you will feel a million times better about yourself with him out of the picture. He doesn't sound like he adds anything positive to your life. You would be well rid

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 12/01/2020 20:55

OP you sound really nice and he doesn't.

HelloDeidre · 12/01/2020 23:39

You have to leave this man

I am sure he has good points and probably does suffer from some childhood issues, etc. I bet he is even nice to his friends

But you have to put yourself first here.He is not thinking of you in his behaviour and what is more his disdain for you is probably growing as he sees you as weak because he can treat you any way he wants and you put up with it .

What will happen if you continue like this is every year it will get a bit worse and you will get a bit sadder until he eventually finds another woman to run off with or have an affair with

The real problem is this guy doesnt really love himself..that is why you are together ..you are both on an emotional level..except you want him to love you to feel better about yourself and he only knows how to hurt you or be emotionally cold

There is only one way out ....leave him and stand on your own two feet and learn to love yourself
No one can give you what you cannot give yourself

Original poster
KerrySebandDanny · 13/01/2020 19:52

At the request of my therapist I’ve been making a list of things that I want in a relationship. He doesn’t give me any of them.

I am working towards ending it, I promise. I haven’t contacted him since Friday.

OP posts:
starry7 · 13/01/2020 20:21

Hugs, OP.

So glad you're getting rid of him. Sounds like you need lots of time to love yourself again. This arse is a dead weight around your ankle.

rosajosephine · 13/01/2020 20:28

Kerry this makes me so upset for you. You deserve better and you are worthy.

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor. Keep looking at that list to motivate you to leave. You say you haven't contacted him since Friday, so I assume that he hasn't contacted you? I'm guessing you initiate the contact mainly? Stop doing this and use the gaps to find a way back to yourself... reconnect with who you are and what you want. Please don't wait too long to end it, you can't let this to continue to erode your self esteem Thanks

Original poster
KerrySebandDanny · 13/01/2020 20:31

@rosajosephine he hasn’t been in touch. I told him that his message had made me feel inadequate. He always gives me the silent treatment if I try to assert any boundaries.

OP posts:
rosajosephine · 13/01/2020 20:34

So he uses silent treatment as a form of control. Which is a abusive. Most abusive men do the nasty/nice cycle. He doesn't even bother with the nice.

You're worth so much more, and life without him would be so much better.

Elieza · 13/01/2020 20:37

You keep on with what you’re doing OP. You know you want to leave him when you have a little more confidence. I think that’s sensible. You’re totally right.

If he loved you he would have told you. If he wanted to hold your hand he would have done so. Of course he wants sex from you - how he likes it. It’s all about what he wants and needs and not about what you want and need. He doesn’t care about that, only himself. Sorry. You deserve better.

Look after yourself and look ahead to your future doing what you want and what makes you happy. Not him. A fresh start for you will be great, with your councillor to give you confidence it won’t be long until you are ready to tell him you no longer want to see him.