He has never told me he loves me

[KerrySebandDanny]

And it’s starting to become a problem. We have been together for a few years and he has never said ‘I love you ‘.

I said it to him after we’d been together for about a year and he didn’t answer.

He has said that he will probably never tell me that he loves me. He then said that he would only tell a woman he loves her if he was about to get married to her.

My problem is that he will say that he loves other things (like pop stars, his dog and various activities). I know this is different but the lack of telling me how he feels is a problem for me. I’ve told him how I feel and asked him to try to be more affectionate but he hasn’t done a single thing except buy me a chocolate bar.

I got a bit upset last night because he was saying over text how much he loves a certain pop star. I jokingly messaged him back and asked him how come he could declare his love for her but not me. He messaged back with a link to a music video where the pop star is in underwear for most of it saying ‘because she does cool stuff like this’.

It’s not a jealousy issue I don’t think, it’s more that I’d love him to tell me that he loves or even cares about me.

He has said that I’m ‘batshit’ to be upset by this and that he was talking about her singing abilities....

Sorry I just needed to vent I suppose. Am I being batshit (as he calls me)? Or do I deserve better?

Well then you really need to work out what you want in your life. Because currently you’re just giving this man all of your time and love. And he’s pissing on you and enjoying it.
He has no respect for you. Which btw is NOT your fault. So don’t go down that road.
He’s a nasty fucker and he would be a nasty fucker to anyone.
You’re one of the people who stuck it out for longer than others.
Which means you need to work on your self esteem urgently.
People who like /love themselves DO NOT put up with this for years.

I am seeing a counsellor which is helping with my self esteem. I think it is going to be a long process though.

I actively hated myself up until around a month ago and am still struggling. I had to pull my car over the other month to be sick because I caught sight of my reflection in the car mirror. I’m working hard on this though, as this scared me.

Kerry.
I can guarantee that if you get that fucktard out of your life, your journey to liking yourself and being more content will be 10000 time’s easier.

I tell you what. Why don’t you try 3 months of not seeing him and see if you feel better or worse about yourself.

And that's the rub with these types. They convince you that there is something lacking in you. After all it's a 'weakness' to need love and affection in your life, hence the batshit comment when you critise his lack of both. Good for you with the therapy. It will help you to get away and regain 'you'.

I think your self esteem would improve a lot faster if you weren't having your negative feelings about yourself continually reinforced by this man. It's like trying to heal sunburn whilst lying on a sunbed.

Oh goodness, he sounds awful. Do you live together, if not, seriously just end it!

We don’t live together. I moved into his briefly but it wasn’t working for me. I have my own house, job and money.

If you met me, you’d think I was a relatively successful person. However, I’m a total mess.

Thank you all for taking the time to support me. You have bides the difference it makes to me.

*no idea not bides.

honestly @KerrySebandDanny,

I PROMISE YOU being single is better than this. You don't collapse, you don't die, you focus on your friendships and your hobbies

and you don't feel the crushing shame of his contempt and discard. Of course he is not holding back during 'intimacy'

He would have to pay for it, otherwise. You are a wonderful person and YOU DON'T NEED him putting you down and keeping you down.

For men, love and respect are linked. The more you take it? The more he disrespects you. It is a bad vicious circle of shame @KerrySebandDanny

You are lovely. He is not.

Sod this. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't love you.

I just knew he'd be over 40.

He.. He'll have sex with you.. on his terms.. but he won't hold your hand?! Fuck that shit. Get rid of him, why are you scared to do so?

You're missing out on being truly cherished. If your partner doesn't think you're the best person in the world then he doesn't love you.

I asked him how he thought he showed me he cared about me and he said that he had bought me the chocolate bar

I am speechless.

Please do yourself a favour and get rid of this nasty, horrible man. I'm sure you feel much better very soon after.

Every update is worse. You deserve better than this.

He's horrible.
If he's in a relationship with you he can't fail to know how low your own opinion of yourself is. If he had any genuine feelings for you he would be trying to help you work on building up your own self-esteem. His behaviour is clearly intended to do the opposite. He wants you to keep feeling like shit, so he can keep having you around to treat badly.

Maybe part of you wants to stay in this relationship, because being treated badly somehow feels right, because imagining a whole, healthy, caring human being caring for you feels impossible, because being alone is scary too.

Honestly you are worth so much more than this? How can I know this when I haven't met you? Because everyone is worth so much more than this. And because you are the one going to counselling to get fixed. When 2 people are in an unhealthy relationship it is always the better person that can see they may have faults or problems that need working on.

Oh no! He is absolutely awful this man, he doesn't deserve to even be your friend let alone anything else. It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship to end? I would just block him and avoid. See how he likes it.

It’s great that you have your own house, job and money. You are not tied to this loser. Please find the strength to do what others have suggested and LTB.

You have to get rid of this man. He’s using you and devaluing you

My self esteem would be shit if I was with a guy like that too. Please don’t waste anymore of your life

Hi op. I have lurked for years, posted once for advice.

Something about you and your posts wants me to beg you to listen to me. This is the very first thread I have ever replied to. Please walk away from this guy. He's not a good person, and no matter how bad you feel about yourself, he will never make you feel good about yourself. Sending you lots of hugs x

I'm not surprised you have self esteem issues. You've decided that you don't deserve more than this arsehole. But you do, you know. This was such a depressing read. Do you want another 2 / 5 / 10 years of this? You're afraid because it's safer to stay with what you know. This guy is a major part of your problem. He reinforces your poor self image, and while you're still with him it'll be so much harder to help yourself.

Do yourself a favour and tell him you need a break. Just take a couple of weeks and then re-evaluate.

When I read your OP I thought "bet he still wants to have sex though" and lo and behold!

You will never be content in your skin while you are with this man. He doesn't love you. He treats you like shit and he reinforces all of your negative opinions about yourself.

If you want to be happy and healthy, you need to leave him.

You don’t live together, no ties, just bin him he’s dragging your self esteem down.