My husband is getting, nasty, paranoid and controlling since my gastric bypass

[LoosingFaith]

Last year I had a gastric bypass and have lost a lot of weight. My H was amazing, he cared for me just like he always did. But most recently he is becoming controlling. He moans or goes in a mood when I say I want to visit my friends, or I have been invited to see my friends. It's getting to the point now where I have to ask him for his permission!!!

Today he over saw me talking to my friend and became annoyed as he thought we were bullying an old friend which was non of his business. He got up and just said. I'm moving out with my son. I don't have feelings for you anymore. We will get a divorce. I asked if he was being serious he said yes. Then half an hour later before he act like nothing had happened. I just walked out of the house as I was so upset. He text saying he didn't mean it. He wanted to make me feel bad for bullying an old friend??? Apparently he loves me with all his heart and doesn't want to lose me. I think he is so paranoid. He always says I'm texting and he's asking me what I am doing. I am step mum to his son. He also said all this Infront of him. He's getting so paranoid and controlling. He has no friends apart from the ones at the pub. Where as I go to see mine and we do things. He always wants to do stuff together. He then makes me feel guilty. It's not the first time he has told me he doesn't love me anymore. Then next minute begs me to forgive him. Please help

Really need some advice

Were you bullying your friend?

Did he like it better when you were overweight and unhappy?

No my friend sent me a picture of a girl I used to go to school with and i sent a comment only because she isn't the nicest person. Well wasn't. My H doesn't know them.

Unfortunately this is a well known marital side effect of bariatric surgery. Husband is used to you as you are and starts getting shitty when you become more attractive with the weight loss. They cannot cope with the change and think they are going to lose you. Some of them walk out.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/17/bariatric-divorce-why-extreme-weight-loss-leads-to-break-ups
I had bariatric surgery last year. I got divorced long before that for other reasons but I lost a lot of friends because I wasn't the person they knew before and couldn't cope with the change. I've let them go because in my opinion they should like me whatever I look like and not be jealous and weird.
But I've found people really resent you when you lose a lot of weight, it's weird.
You might have to go to couples counselling if you want to save your marriage. Good luck.

And this has only started happening since you had the surgery?

I’d leave him for threatening divorce. That isn’t even joked about in my house.

I have a feeling he did yes. I get alot of attention from men when walking down the street. I just feel trapped and feel like I shouldn't see my friends just to make him happy and not treat me like dirt.

In all honesty, if a man lost weight then started going out alot, was always on his phone....most people would be saying he was having an affair.

If my dp and his friends were slagging off an old friend, plus all the other stuff, I would wonder if he was the sort of person I wanted to be with. Wether dp thought it was my business of not.

Some people, do change when they lose weight.

If you really feel you havent changed and and arent acting dodgy and its definitely him. You need to speak to him and if he doesnt change, it's probably the end of the road.

Show him the door you are worth so much more than an emotionally abusive twat like him

I'm not on the phone more than normal now I have lost weight and I'm not going out more than normal either!!! I'm exactly the same as I was, just a little more confident.

I just feel trapped and feel like I shouldn't see my friends just to make him happy and not treat me like dirt.

Which is coercive control.

The increase in your confidence means you're harder for him to control and he's feeling less powerful because you're less dependent on him. Hence the ramping up.

That's worrying. It's a bit of an extreme reaction to threaten divorce. He doesn't sound stable tbh. Time for a meaningful chat?

I'll try meaningful chat. And it normally goes with I can't be arsed. He will throw his wedding ring. Storm off then apologise a day later. Just sick of feeling on edge all the time. He doesn't work. I'm the only one providing for h and his child. I chose to because I love him and his son dearly. I just don't know how.much I can take.

He wants you fat and housebound and friendless. Makes him feel more secure...
Tell him to crack on with the divorce. He will look a prat asking a judge for one because you are not fat anymore...

@LoosingFaith He sounds pretty awful to be around, and I agree that is sounds like he prefers you to be fatter and less attractive to other men - in his opinion.

However, whilst people on here are going on about people being 'different' with them, and getting jealous of them losing weight, there is another side of this...

And that is the fact that some people who lose weight, become self absorbed, and obsessed with their weight loss, (and their fitness,) and they seem to bring their 'weight loss' into every conversation, and insist anyone who is getting fed up of them, must be JEALOUS of them.

Some people who lose weight do become crushing bores, and people are not always jealous.

So whilst the OP's husband does not sound great, I'd like to hear HIS side of things.

Woman loses weight, man starts compaining about her going out and she has to ask permission - and then she says she feels like not going out because it causes trouble (classic signs of the effects of a controller) and it's her fault for being boring about her weightloss, and we need to hear his side of it????

Err, no.

OP, you've changed the dynamic of the relationship. You were invisible from male attention before. He doesn't like that other men notice you now. He has no reason to be concerned you would have an affair, and yet he is. If weight wasn't involved, the thread would be full of people calling 'projection'.

madcatladyforever is on the money - and the article she links to.

He won’t leave because he’s on to too much of a good thing. However, you need show this bullying, controlling arse the door.

Whatever ever his issues are, they aren’t yours to resolve, your responsibility begin and ends with limiting your exposure to his nastiness.

Here hang on - you are the only one in work and support him and his son?? And he’s being an arsehole?? I think you’ve done enough for him don’t you - who does he think he is eating your food and using your utilities AND pouting when you see your friendS. I’m really angry for you!

I really wouldn't want to be a orb a man who would regularly say they didn't want to be with me.

I'd split up with him

To be with a man*

I don't know where the orb typo came from sorry

Does he have no income?

He sounds like your new found attention (? And enjoyment of this) has made him very insecure.

I lost a lot of weight (over 100lbs) a couple of years ago and we had a wobble too. He felt like he couldn't live up to who I was now.

We were compassionate towards one another and worked through it.

No he's doesn't have an income. Currently on the sick and applying for benefits.

So he has recently had an income?

Why doesn't he work? Sounds to me he's worried he's going to lose his easy ride and feels threatened. A pp said. He wants you fat, housebound and friendless. Just there for him and his kid. You've unsettled that.

Personally, the next time he throws his wedding ring. Take it and tell him he can leave any time he wants or he can pack it the fuck in.