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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is getting, nasty, paranoid and controlling since my gastric bypass

108 replies

LoosingFaith · 11/01/2020 15:49

Last year I had a gastric bypass and have lost a lot of weight. My H was amazing, he cared for me just like he always did. But most recently he is becoming controlling. He moans or goes in a mood when I say I want to visit my friends, or I have been invited to see my friends. It's getting to the point now where I have to ask him for his permission!!!

Today he over saw me talking to my friend and became annoyed as he thought we were bullying an old friend which was non of his business. He got up and just said. I'm moving out with my son. I don't have feelings for you anymore. We will get a divorce. I asked if he was being serious he said yes. Then half an hour later before he act like nothing had happened. I just walked out of the house as I was so upset. He text saying he didn't mean it. He wanted to make me feel bad for bullying an old friend??? Apparently he loves me with all his heart and doesn't want to lose me. I think he is so paranoid. He always says I'm texting and he's asking me what I am doing. I am step mum to his son. He also said all this Infront of him. He's getting so paranoid and controlling. He has no friends apart from the ones at the pub. Where as I go to see mine and we do things. He always wants to do stuff together. He then makes me feel guilty. It's not the first time he has told me he doesn't love me anymore. Then next minute begs me to forgive him. Please help

OP posts:
Hepsibar · 11/02/2020 11:08

Does he have a drink problem? Or just cant hold his drink without becoming a nasty piece of work.

I agree with the person who asked if it is because you now have grown in confidence whereas before he could be the amazing, hero of the hour, but possibly a bit suffocating?

He probably didnt think either of you were covering yourself in glory and sort it as bitching about an old friend and told you : suggest not having these conversations in earshot if you dont want comments!

MzHz · 11/02/2020 11:15

love, he's just playing the game until you are safely under his thumb again.

he changed when you got married and lost weight. that's classic controlling arse.

Move back out, tell him to get his life in order and move etc so you can carry on bringing up your child.

strawberry2017 · 11/02/2020 11:19

You feel guilty because you are finally putting your feelings first. He sounds like a man child, can't bear the thought that his wife is getting her life back doing things that make her feel good about herself.
He probably had more control when you were overweight because he convinced himself nobody else would want you. He can't bear it that you can leave and move on. He will hate that he can't claim certain benefits because if your wage because you are effectively in control now.
You shouldn't have gone back.
You should leave, heal and find someone who appreciates and deserves you.

PepsiLola · 11/02/2020 11:20

I believe the only person who should feel guilty is him (he won't however, he will blame and play the victim).

Original poster
LoosingFaith · 11/02/2020 11:26

He doesn't have a drink problem but when he drinks he is worse. It's his son not mine. He is my step son x

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 11/02/2020 14:59

you might be doing your DSS a favour - showing him that unhealthy relationships don't need to be endured, that each person in a relationship has agency.

it doesn't sound like he's going to get a healthy perspective from his father...

willowmelangell · 11/02/2020 18:32

Hello @LoosingFaith
It is all a bit overwhelming isn't it? So start with the absolute rock bottom must haves. A reliable roof over your head that you can afford. An income that will support you.

At some point...you will think about separating from your H. Maybe right now is too soon to try and think about all that.
Can you stay with your DF while you think about your options?
Who owns the house you live in with H and SDS?
Do you have savings that would pay for your moving to (say) a one bed flat near where you work?
You have been so brave asking for help from online strangers.

Keep talking to us. When you remember odd things that stayed in your mind or niggled at you, talk to us.
I will be absolutely honest with you, if a DH threw his wedding ring away, for me, that would be it, the end, finished, no more tip toe-ing around his manipulating tantrums.
How has your day been?

Original poster
LoosingFaith · 12/02/2020 19:26

So an update for you all here. Today I spoke to my dad, sister and friends. They basically told me to sit him down and tell him my feelings. So today that's what I did. I sat my husband down and explained since all this has happened and although I love him and his son very much, I am no longer in love with him. I told him how it is making me depressed and I am just not happy. His response was not aggresive. He broke down crying, shaking. He said he is heart broken and he loves me so much. He doesn't want me to move out as he couldn't take it the last time. He wants us to try and work. I asked him how? He said he doesn't know. I looked into marraige Councilling but I can't afford it. We are pennyless at the best of times. He keeps hugging me, kissing me and crying. I keep asking him if he is ok. And he isn't and cries.

I feel like the devil. Like I'm the worst person in the world. I am always the one who has had the brunt conversation of "I don't love you anymore" it's devastating. And now I am inflicting this on him. Please advice your thoughts.

Thanks for all your replies it means the world.

Really struggling right now

OP posts:
Therebythedoor · 12/02/2020 20:43

Some might say that is all part of a script to keep you from leaving him. You've told him how you feel now he's trying another tactic. It's no wonder you're struggling. You are a nice person and that's what he is relying on; relying on you falling for his 'vulnerable' act. He might be all soft as butter and nice as pie but the question is whether it will last.

If it helps, you're not inflicting anything on him - he has brought all this on himself.

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 12/02/2020 20:56

It’s the script. To the letter

Don’t fall for it.

Original poster
LoosingFaith · 12/02/2020 21:05

Why is this so difficult!!!

OP posts:
candative · 12/02/2020 21:05

I'm sure you feel bad but try not to heap guilt on yourself. It's his actions that led to this. It sounds as though you've put up with some pretty unreasonable behaviour, had he been half decent you both wouldn't be here now.

And for what it's worth, I agree with others, he's changing tack behaviour wise now that his previous bullshit has stopped working to keep you in check. Don't be fooled, it's well against the odds that he will change in the long term.

TorkTorkBam · 12/02/2020 21:07

He is sad. OK. That is normal.

Does him being sad mean that you have fallen back in love with him? I doubt it.

His reaction is the emotional equivalent of requesting a pity fuck. He wants you to live being unhappy (for many years) so he feels better.

Hugging and kissing after breaking up is weird. Stop.

Asking him if he is OK after breaking up with him is weird. Neither of you is OK. Stop asking.

You are trying to manage his emotions. Don't. Men are allowed to feel unhappy. Women don't have to jump to soothing them. This is an unhappy situation. He can be sad. You can be sad. You divorce. That's how it works.

candycane222 · 12/02/2020 21:31

You were unhappy because of his behaviour. He carried on, being very unreasonable. You have decided to look after yourself and, given that he has a long history of abusive and unpleasant behaviour towards you, you no longer love him and in order to look after yourself you need to be apart from him.

His unhappiness is caused by his own behaviour. It is his responsibility. Not yours. If you stayed you would be giving up your happiness for his benefit. Which would be absurd. Whether or not he can be happy in future is UP TO HIM NOT UP TO YOU.

Your job is to be responsible for yourself, to get yourself to a place where you are free of bullying, abuse, and free from someone clearly resenting your new, healthier self.

Do not hurt yourself in order to do his work for him. It is his responsibility to fix himself, not yours

fuckoffImcounting · 12/02/2020 21:43

He is crying his crocodile tears because he knows this will get to you and he hopes you will stay so he can continue to abuse you. Put yourself first for once.

justasking111 · 12/02/2020 22:01

Women always want to fix things. You do not love him you deserve better. Maybe he deserves better. Put your step son out of his misery it must be awful for him living on a knife edge like this. Where is his natural mother in all this. You are both grown ups, think of the child first and foremost.

SparklingLime · 12/02/2020 22:43

TorkTorkBam’s advice is excellent.
Keep moving forward, OP. It’s very painful at the moment, but you’ll reach calm and freedom on the other side of this mess. Flowers

Peignoir · 12/02/2020 22:53

Leave him and move on with your life. He's trying to control you and simply doesn't want you to have attention. He's on benefits yet he's finding the time to spend money on beers in the pub? Please, he needs to get a life and allow you to live yours. He offers nothing of substance, so why stick around?

Commonwasher · 12/02/2020 23:00

Some people don’t want a partner so much as someone to keep them company in their rut.

Maybe you have been rumbled trying to get out of the rut. If he doesn’t want to change — he won’t want you to either.

Original poster
LoosingFaith · 21/02/2020 23:56

So an update for you all. I have left my husband. He is still continuously texting saying he can change. I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for me. My family on the other hand are very quick to tell me to try and work it out? Go to marraige counselling? I told them everything that has happened. They think I need to think it through. Feeling very down about it all. It is very hard but my family not fully supporting me and giving me advice I don't wish to take constantly.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 22/02/2020 00:01

I'd file for divorce, you've got plenty of examples of 'unreasonable behaviour' on his part.

It sounds like he's always been a bit of a dick but now he's realised you're too good for him and he's shitting himself you're going to realise it too.

Was your weight also because he used to enjoy feeding you? Just a guess...

Weffiepops · 22/02/2020 00:05

Well done op, you know it makes sense. I hate the patriarchal bonds which mean a woman leaving a husband is criticised by friends and family saying she is better off working at it. How many unhappy women have there been over the years because they've been kept in their (wrong) place worrying what others will think Thanks

BitOfFun · 22/02/2020 00:13

This is normal. I do think you need to tell your family to back the fuck off if they can't support you.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 22/02/2020 10:49

Weffiepops has a good point. These fucking stupid ideas that divorce is too easy now and that previously people worked harder at their marriage is bollocks. Divorce is more accessible in order to stop people being stuck in bad situations.

OP, your family don't know what you have been through. Don't take their opinions to heart. You had to leave him and you did. Good for you. I wish you lots of strength.

justasking111 · 22/02/2020 13:27

So sorry but reading this thread, you are doing the right thing.